Celebrity Bathwater

There have been is-she or isn’t-she rumors swirling for the last two years, but fairly reputable news sources are reporting today that Mariah Carey is four months pregnant. Radar Online says:

The Hero singer and husband Nick Cannon are overjoyed but have decided not to talk about the pregnancy publicly.

Despite his public hesitation to confirm the news, RadarOnline.com’s insider says, “Nick has been telling friends how excited he is to be a dad. Mariah has tried so hard to get pregnant.”

The source adds that Mariah has passed the four month mark in her pregnancy.

They’re saying she’s only four months along? That can’t be right. From the looks of it, Mariah Carey’s been pregnant since May of 2009. Unless she’s giving birth to a walrus or a sperm whale, she’s about fourteen months past due. I hope she likes her babies with facial hair and all their adult teeth.

And now for someone who’s not fat or pregnant, Katy Perry on Letterman last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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Exciting news this morning — a solar system containing at least five planets orbiting a sun-like star has been discovered 127 light years from our Earth. Also, Britney Spears was in a bikini yesterday. The two are largely unrelated. The Daily Mail says:

Astronomers have confirmed the presence of five planets and have tantalizing evidence of two more.

The planetary system is believed to be the largest ever discovered beyond the sun.

And it comes as NASA has said that it plans to make an announcement about an ‘intriguing’ planetary system [with more than 700 possible planets] that it has discovered using the Kepler space telescope.

The conference is scheduled for 1pm EDT.

More importantly, with the dawning of this new era into exoplanetary research, scientists at the European Southern Observatory believe they can now pinpoint exactly what planet Britney Spears has been living on for the last eight years. Welcome to the final frontier, bitches!

Britney in Hawaii with boyfriend Jason Trawick:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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Just 23 days into her 90-day treatment program, Lindsay Lohan has been released from her court-ordered rehabilitation at UCLA Medical Center in Los Angeles. Radar Online says:

In a sudden and surprising decision, Lindsay [was] released from her court-ordered drug and alcohol rehabilitation at UCLA Medical Center early. Lindsay Lohan signed her rehab discharge papers on Tuesday.

Lohan had a court hearing scheduled for Wednesday but a plan was secretly formulated to release her Tuesday and avoid a media frenzy. Everything [was] set for her release, including a three-car decoy to get her out of UCLA and away from the media.

Lindsay will continue outpatient treatment at UCLA two to three times per week.

Well, it’s a good thing that Lindsay is gonna score a million bucks for that first post-jail interview, because her rehab was costing her close to forty grand a week. TMZ says:

Lindsay Lohan’s UCLA medical bill was a whopping $40,000 a week… [and] Lindsay’s insurance does not cover treatment at the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Hospital.

Judge Marsha Revel ordered 13 weeks of treatment, which would have brought the bill to $520,000. According to the docs, Judge Revel overreacted and Lindsay was released after only 23 days — almost 3 1/2 weeks. That reduces the cost to a very reasonable $130,400.

Half a million dollars for three months’ worth of inpatient therapy? God, that’s such a load of crap. I’ll personally swing by your house, slap you across the face and scream, “Get your shit together, you stupid fucking bitch!” once a day, and I’ll only charge you ten bucks for my services. I bet you’ll get a hell of lot more out of it, too.

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It seems impossible for someone with an ass that big to have tits that small, but Beyonce somehow defies all known laws of physics. I’ve seen amusement park caricatures that weren’t so anatomically distorted.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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An armed man was arrested early this morning in L.A. after trying to break into Paris Hilton’s home. If only more of us could be as brave as this unsung hero. TMZ says:

Law enforcement confirms that a man in his 40s was arrested at Hilton’s home around 6:30 AM. He was hauled off to a local jail.

Paris told police the man was banging on the windows of the home, but never actually entered the place.

Paris was told the man was considered “armed and dangerous” — and that she was “lucky” the guy didn’t get inside.

Paris didn’t know the man. It’s unclear if the guy targeted her or if it was a random incident.

She later tweeted that the guy was wielding two big knives (or “knifes,” as it were), so that’s probably what went wrong. You’re gonna need a free hand to distract her with a mirror, and then later when you pin her to the ground by her throat. Unless you’re the blue Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle or that guy at the bazaar in Raiders of the Lost Ark, two knives is just one knife too many.

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The agony and ecstasy and magnificent boobery of the nation-themed Miss Universe gowns. (Jezebel)

Aww… Snooki and L’il Kim made a baby! (The Dirty)

Janessa Brazil wants to show you her boobs. Whee. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Proof that Madonna’s thirteen-year old daughter Lourdes wants your teenage daughters to smoke dope. (Celebitchy)

And now, Miss Universe 2010 Jimena Navarette in a sparkly bikini for the win! (Socialite Life)

Jessica Alba forgot pants. And how to smile. (The Blemish)

This chick’s name is Luba Semenova. Hand to God. (Busted Coverage)

Kim Kardashian thinks she can hide her enormous ass with one hand. It’d be almost funny if it weren’t so pathetic. (The Superficial)

Is Angelina Jolie wearing all those hideous flow-y gowns because she’s pregnant? (Anything Hollywood)

Joanna Krupa is a sex kitten, and I wanna be the catnip. (UseMyComputer)

Miley Cyrus busted making fun of Demi Lovato’s smile. (CelebJihad)

I don’t know what it is with Drew Barrymore lately, but she has been looking super hot. (Moe Jackson)

It’s a good thing I love Nightcrawler, because after seeing that suit he’s wearing, Alan Cumming should technically be dead to me. (Agent Bedhead)

5 Things to Say to Make a Woman Want You. Really… you had me at “American Express Black Card.” (COED Magazine)

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She might be box office poison and bonafide man-repellent, but Jennifer Aniston’s personal life is finally starting to look up. Star Magazine says:

Jennifer has reunited with her ex John Mayer!

Jen and John met up for a romantic rendezvous earlier this month in New York City. “The meetup had to be on the down-low,” an insider tells Star. “He paid for a private jet so no one would know.”

After two failed attempts at romance, Jen and John have been working towards reconciliation since January. “She tried to be with other guys, but the feelings Jen has for John are the strongest she’s had since she split from Brad Pitt,” says the insider. “And she can’t give up on that.”

That’s right, Jen. Never give up. You just keep beating that dead horse. And when you start to get tired, well, you beat it even harder. Eventually, you’ll get something out of it. Even if its just the contents of its colon all over your designer shoes. From a single girl’s perspective, that’s just as good as a detectable pulse.

Jen playing “dress-up like a retard” for next month’s Harper’s Bazaar:

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