Saturday, March 31st, 2012
Well, my time at Best Week Ever is coming to a close. But before I go, here are 37 things I am proud to have done over the last 6 years. Please note that putting this list together has given me life-altering anxiety this week because I can’t believe it’s over! So, presenting THE FINAL COUNTDOWN: 37 Things I Did For Best Week Ever:
37. Fell In Love With Knut. Met Him. Then Mourned Him.
Our journey with Knut was a deep one. We fell in love with the little scamp from birth, as did the other 1000 billion people living in China and beyond. But, like a little Lindsay Lohan except not quite as pale, the attention got to little Knuty, right around the time he started growing up into a less small, way filthy dirtier full grown polar bear.
I was one of the millions to go to Berlin and meet Knut. He was huge, navy brown, and depressed. Nearly a year later to the day, poor baby Knut passed away. And we gave you 50 photos to remember him by. I just hope his girlfriend from Stuttgart is OK.
36. Wasn’t Discovered At Planet Hollywood
You’ve heard the story a million times: Small town girl takes the bus to Planet Hollywood with big dreams, but leaves older, wiser, broken, with nary a single cement handprint plaque to her name. This is the story of how I found out I wasn’t cut out for the celebrity-owned restaurant industry.
35. Discovered Zarf
One of the first major discoveries I had during my time at BWE was a lil character on a small soap called All My Children named Zarf. Kind of like Alf, only this one tucks.
34. Unsuccessfully and then successfully stalked Brad Pitt
First, I hunted him. Unsuccessfully: BWE Exclusive: The Hunt For Brad Pitt
Weeks later, I found him. In a gift shop. Where I bought astronaut ice cream. What You Should Be Thinking When Standing Next to Brad Pitt
33. Invented Juan Mayer
“Tu Cuerpo Es Un Pais De Las Maravillas” is still, to this day, my favorite Juan Mayer song.
32. Fell In Love With Juan Gabriel
31. Wished There Was A Show Called Orc and Mindy
Came up with this concept only weeks after first using Photoshop. I think we can all agree the $700 program was made for reasons like this.
30. Rode The Subway With Anderson Cooper*
Ahh remember this? When I was riding the train to work and Anderson Cooper stepped on? It was back around the time I wore glasses every single day to work because I didn’t give a damn. If you’ve never had the pleasure of having the Anderson Cooper stand over you while you tried to look anywhere but directly into the swirling whirlpool of his jeans crotch seem, I should tell you, it was a very welcome early morning surprise.
29. Put 50 Animals In A Single List
Sure, the internet has sort of burned us out when it comes to mega animal lists. But that’s no reason to relive some of my favorite ones! In a little list I like to call, My Subset List Of 5 Favorite Lists:
28. Don’t Forget About The Fat Animals!
27. And The Super F*cking Fat Animals.
26. But Mich, What About The Babies!?!
Won’t someone think of the babies? And then give me one? Either already born or just waiting to be? #FELLAS
25. Envied The Woman With The Wedding Cake Shaped Like Herself
Ideally, I would get one of these before getting that famous “baby”. Hopefully we can find a baker with an oven long enough to accommodate my 6’1″ frame.
24. Found My Sex Doll Twin
You guys should encourage VH1 to buy one of these things, prop it up in front of a laptop, braless and in sweatpant leggings, and force it to blog. Not that I’m saying I’m not wearing a bra right now, but what I am saying is that my breasts are typing this as we speak.
23. Stood Outside Of Salon Where Britney Spears Had Her Meltdown
22. Installed An Authentic CNN Anderson Cooper Hologram
After our train ride together, it seemed like the right thing to do. I will be bringing this with me to Kathy, don’t you worry about it.
21. Went Into The Real World House And Broke A Bottle Over Dan’s Head
Because it’s my last day, I can say this: I accidentally stole a giant flashlight from the Real World: New York house. I still have it. It’s 48 pounds and metal but I swear it left the Real World house accidentally in my purse and via no other means.
20. Westminster. So Many Years of Westminster.
I covered the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show for 4 thrilling years in a row, honoring each year with its very own “For Your Consideration.” They are thrilling posts, but I bring you my favorite screencap above.
19. Met a Man Named Adam Lambert, And Then His Lovably Insane Fans
Of all the celebrities I’ve interviewed these past 6 years, nobody one elicited even close to the response that my time with Adam Lambert did. Then again, in my defense, I don’t believe any other interviewer out there served Adam straight up fig vodka made from her Grandmother’s secret recipe. (I shant ever reveal it.)
18. Attended the Silent Auction of Marcel Marceau Memorabilia
OK, so I didn’t really “attend,” but if I had, it definitely would have gone… a little something… *silence*
17. Dancing With The Dog Stars
16. Asking Quentin Tarantino If My Feet “Qualify”
To meet two of my top two’s, Stanley Tucci and Quentin Tarantino, in the same night at the Critic’s Choice Awards was already a blessing from God up on high. But to be able to ask Quentin Tarantino if my size 11 feet “qualify” in the realm of his known foot fetish… this may be the most important thing I’ve ever done. I’ve spent the last 2 years wearing Easy Feet Cleaning Shoes in case he ever calls.
15. Screaming Out Random Cities at Celebrities On The Red Carpet
As I’ve mentioned many times, asking celebs questions in the red carpet brings out the rabid in anyone. But I was in particularly mouth foaming spirits at the 2010 MTV Movie Awards, when I resorted to shouting out the hometowns of famous celebrities in a bid to get them to talk to me. I apologize for my laugh in advance, it’s a day ruiner.
14. SHEEPPIG VS. UNICOW
13. My Love Affair With Wendy’s
I don’t want to take credit for Wendy’s recently overtaking Burger King as the second most popular fast food chain in America. But what I will tell you is that my love for Wendy’s has not wavered back when people still didn’t get the whole square patty thing. I’ll also never forget the day I got a random package in the mail and they sent me HAMBURGER COASTERS. To this day, every time someone comes over to house, the first thing they tractor beam over to are those damn coasters. (I love them.)
12. Survived Black Friday
11. Discovered the Best Soap Opera Moment of All-Time
10. I Went On A Cruise With Lifehouse
And also these captains. I wonder what Jason Wade’s shoulders are doing right now? Hopefully a-scrollin’ through this post.
9. Basset Hounds: Sexier In Slow Motion
It all started with some basset hounds running on a beach, and ended with one of BWE.tv’s most successful posts ever: 50 Photos Of Basset Hounds Running Which tells you one thing about the human race: We love flapping dog jowls.
8. Waited in Line for The Price Is Right and Did NOT Drive Off The Set in a PT Cruiser
My lifelong dream of attending a taping of The Price Is Right came true last year, though sadly, I did not actually win anything. Not even a Chevy HHR (Hearsiest Hearse Ride). But I did meet and fall in love with a lovely 99 year old named Cydney.
7. Found My Native American Roots At Coachella
To be fair, I am not a Native American. But I could have fooled you at Coachella, where it’s secretly an undercover Land O’ Lakes convention. If you plan on going this year, do yourself a favor and stay away from the Mexican Diet Pills.
6. Longed To French a French Bradley Cooper
Who can forget the day we learned that Hangover star Bradley Cooper speaks fluent French? I certainly can’t. I’d also like to take credit for having the first ever french baguette erection to air on a basic cable channel. We had some good times VH1!
5. Went to the Chocolate Show, and Asked How Much This Dog Poison Costs?
Get More: Big Morning Buzz Live
It was in this video for VH1′s Big Morning Buzz Live that I realized I have a horrendous poker face when it comes to eating “disgusting foods.”
4. Survived the H&M Versace Sale
If you’re wondering, yes, I still use those shopping bags to this day. The clothes, however? Literally have never worn them. The duvet wasn’t even a duvet!! Just a coverlet. In conclusion, I spent hundreds of dollars on paper shopping bags. It was really nice getting to know you guys.
3. Laughed Many Times At This Schwarzenegger Post
I’ll take a second to thank my co-blogger Dan Hopper for his many years of genius work. Even though his recaps and observations are brilliantly conveyed, it is this post, of Schwarzenegger accepting an orange from a robot, that has kept me coming back week after week for some much needed laughter. And so, it gets its very own number on this completely arbitrary list. Yay Dan!
2. Nearly Fainted In The Presence Of George Clooney
I met George Clooney, and you know what? My bangs looked alright. I also touched Oscar winner Octavia Spencer’s Spanx, which has gotta be worth at least a tiny Spanx statuette.
1. Spent My Youth Writing Mad Men Recaps
My sincerest apologies for leaving right when Season 5 is kicking off. You can just keep reading the premiere recap over and over again while clutching an autographed photo of me.
And that’s it!! Without getting shmaltzy, want to extend my love and gratitude to everyone I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with at VH1 and beyond, way back to the days of Bob Castrone and Alex Blagg, to the current days of Dan Hopper and GIFstress Lauren Deiman. It was a dream job when I got it, and remained that way until this day. Also thanks to all of you for continuing to come back and read our posts! I dedicate this video to you guys along with my still-beating heart in a single white glove.
If you want to keep up with me, follow me on Twitter! I still live there. Thanks again everyone! MISS YOU ALREADY!!!