Celebrity Bathwater

Talented and pretty people weren’t always talented and pretty. They, too, were once in high school, where greasy skin, braces, and the consistent smell of feet (that’s at least how it works in public schools) dominate the hallways. So it’s always a sweet reminder that being born perfect isn’t necessarily the gospel according to celebrities. Because as much as Cameron Diaz and Charlize Theron obnoxiously claim that they were “dorks” in high school (JUST STOP), most adults were actually gross kids once upon a time.

Comedy staples Amy Poehler and John Krasinski were once Boston-area high school students, and the recent surfacing of their high school photos proves that — a ha! — they, too, must have been gawky, aloof teenagers, right? Just like the rest of us? Right?

NOPE NOPE NOPE STILL PERFECT.  F*CKING PERFECT. AMY’S HAIR? PERFECT. JOHN’S SMILE? PERFECT. F*CKING PERFECT!

More goofy/adorable pics of Jon after the jump:

[via Splash News Online/NY Post]

– Eliot Glazer

Enjoy.

(via The Animal Blog)

The winds of persecution are blowing cruelly upon poor Lindsay Lohan, who started her period of house arrest on Thursday. Good thing she’s all stocked up on coke and booze! Says Digital Spy,

Lindsay Lohan has reportedly surrendered to the authorities and has begun her house arrest sentence.

The actress checked in at Lynwood Jail at 5.02am and was fitted with an electronic tag on her ankle and sent to her Venice, CA home.

Sources claim that Lohan will spend around 35 days confined to her residence.

The sentence follows her no contest plea to the alleged theft of a $2,500 (£1,547) necklace.

Lohan must also complete 480 hours of community service, including work at the LA County morgue.

The 24-year-old Machete star was earlier this month given a 120-day sentence by the judge for breaching the terms of her parole and said: “I support the judge’s decision and hold myself accountable for being in this situation.”

Expecting Lindsay Lohan to learn her lesson by putting her on extended time-out is about as effective as putting a 1-year old in the corner and expecting them to understand why they’re in trouble. Everyone knows that little kids need a few light slams now and again if they’re going to pay attention to you. How do you think I’m able to fill in here when I’m running my day care?

A few more freckled bikini pics and another boob slip, if you want to know what a practically transparent areola looks like:

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The South Park writers have targeted a lot of famous people in their 70 years on air: Tom Cruise, Barbra Streisand, Rosie O’Donnell… And now they’re going after …Sarah McLachlan? Huh??? What they’re parodying are those commercials she appears in for pet adoption, the ones that make you suddenly think you can and should build a farm in your apartment because dog eyes are SO BIG AND SAD.

But, still, they claim Sarah McLachlan was famous for “two months,” which is, like, what? Sure, Lilith Fair isn’t necessarily “a thing” anymore, but there are plenty of bicurious men and women getting the lyrics to “Sweet Surrender” tattooed around their ankles in Mandarin. Of all people, is it really necessary to parody someone who aligns themselves with an animal charity? Go after BAD PEOPLE, South Park!

– Eliot Glazer

• Searching for porn
• Searching for porn
• Searching for porn
• Searching for porn
• Researching a local murder because he “just wants to, goddamit! Why won’t anyone let me live my life? I’m seventy-two years old. I’ve seen three wars. Love. Life. Death. Beginnings. Ends. My own children. My children’s children. Two bypasses. Now I’m just taking a vested interest in local history, and suddenly I’m a senile old coot! All it means is that I’m looking to expand my mind. Some people choose adult education. I choose searching for microfiche rolls detailing gruesome deaths near my own damn house. What is so wrong with that? Let me live, Louise!”
• Searching for porn

[via Buzzfeed]

– Eliot Glazer

Early apologies to Lady Gaga, Beyonce, and Kanye West. These major players may have thought they would have the summer jams of 2011 down on lock with their respective albums, but it’s high time they make way for a newbie. Locomotive Curt is a mix of Rebecca Black, Afroman, and Weird Al (not bad!).

He is, indeed, a child, and he and his friends do a lot of walking on railroad tracks and cul de sacs in (“railroad tracks and cul culs de sacs”: SWEET RHYME! YOU CAN USE THAT, LOCOMOTIVE CURT!). But you probably did the same thing, and your time would likely have been spent a lot more wisely if you, too, had YouTube when you were young and confused about stuff, but had a remarkably savvy take on musical parody.

[via Holy Loly]

– Eliot Glazer