Celebrity Bathwater

Foxy Brown is a rapper with a long list of legal woes, including spitting on hotel staff because they didn’t have an iron available, to attacking a manicurist over a $20 bill she refused to pay. Here is the dulcet darling attending BET’s Rip the Runway 2011 event, which is a “hip-hop fashion show where music fashion forward”. If electric blue fake eyelashes and contact lenses, and the threat of her gigantic areola escaping is fashion forward, then I’m about to go skin a mountain lion, wear its pelt and live in a cave.

I have a sudden hankering for flapjacks:

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BEST TIMING FOR MID-SONG DIARRHEA

Gwyneth Paltrow


WAXIEST DINOSAUR HAND

Brendan Fraser

SHE’S FINALLY RESORTED TO JUST HOLDING A GIANT BEARD

Hugh Jackman and wife Deborra-Lee Furness (A couple I love)


“I FINALLY WON A FLAAAAAASK!”

David Seidler


For Your Consideration of the 83rd Annual Academy Awards Continues Ahead…

MOST DISAPPOINTED TO FIND OUT IT ISN’T A FLASK

David Seidler

MY 14 YEAR OLD SELF IS SECRETLY CUTTING OUT OF JEALOUSY

Hailee Steinfeld


MOST HOPING TO BE THANKED BY NATALIE PORTMAN AS INSPIRATION

Sharon Stone


BEST GOWN TO EAT LOBSTER IN

Nicole Kidman


STROKE OF GENIUS

Kirk Douglas


THE RUSSIAN PROSTITUTEY BRIDAL GOWN I’VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF

Melissa “F*cky” Leo

PHOTO TAKEN MOMENTS BEFORE DOUGLAS’ EARLOBE BODYSLAMMED THIS DUDE

Kirk Douglas


SURE, PUT THE SPANISH LOOKING GUYS IN VALET SUITS

Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem


BEST SUXEDO (AS IN SUCKS, NOT SUCCEEDS)

Anne Hathaway in Custom Lanvin (drool)


MOST IMPOSSIBLE PEOPLE TO GUESS IN THE GAME “GUESS WHO” (IS HE AN ASIAN LADYBOY IN A CAPE?)

Designer Zaldy and Rufus Wainwright


WORST FABRIC TO GET AROUSED IN

Anne Hathaway and James Skanko


BEST JAVELIN THROW

Christian Bale (RIP Steven Spielberg)


MOST EXTRAVAGANT TOILET SEAT

Cate Blanchett


GAYEST DUEL

Make-up artists Rick Baker and Dave Elsey


WORST OUTSOURCED PERFORMANCE

Zachary Levi, who is Indian now (with Mandy Moore)


BEST OK CUPID VIRAL MARKETING CAMPAIGN

Actor/Writer/Director Luke Matheny


BREASTS THAT COULD EASILY FEED ALL THE CHILDREN AT HER SCHOOL

Oprah Winfrey


LARGEST ERECTION

Sharon Stone


NEW GUINNESS RECORD HOLDER FOR LONGEST WASP QUEEF

Gwyneth Paltrow


BEST PLACED CROTCH CLUTCH

Cameron Diaz and Jude Law


MY FAVORITE DESIGNER WHO CAN DO NO WRONG. OK, MAYBE WHITE SATIN. BUT OTHERWISE NO WRONG.

Carolina Herrera


SHOW LIFE HIGHLIGHT

Celine Dion


DRESS MOST LIKELY TO BE HUNG UP WITH A NOOSE, AS IT DESERVES TO DIE

Hilary Swank and Kathryn Bigelow


MOST HILARIOUS SEX

L’Wren Scott and Mick Jagger
(Also, as a tall lady allow me to add, my fave couple.)


WE STILL BLAME THE OLD MAN FOR NOT HOOKING THE HOSTS OFF THE STAGE WHEN HE HAD THE CHANCE

Kevin Brownlow, Francis Ford Coppola and Eli Wallach

MOST SUBLIMINAL FEMININE DEODORANT SPRAY AD

Joan Collins

BEST TRON-SVESTITE

Anne Hathaway

IMAGE WAITING TO GET A PENIS PHOTOSHOPPED INTO IT (NOT SO MUCH REQUEST AS IT IS DEMAND)

Colin Firth


HOLY SH*T, THE GAY BEST FRIEND FROM BRIDGET JONES’ DIARY WON AN OSCAR! NOT COLIN FIRTH, THE OTHER ONE!!

Producer Iain Canning


GOODNIGHT! THANKS EVERYONE! PLEASE DON’T SKEWER ME IN TOMORROW’S PAPERS!!

Anne “Way Too Late” Hathaway


OSCAR HOST DREAM TEAM

Paul Rudd, Mick Jagger, Steve Martin and Judd Apatow


“I’M SORRY, YOU’RE OUT” – HEIDI KLUM TO HER RIGHT LEG AND THEN TO SEAL’S PECTORALS

Seal and Heidi Klum


HOPING YOU DIDN’T HEAR HER FARTIEST

Anna Paquin

CUTEST!!!

The Student Choir from New York City/Staten Island School PS 22


BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE CAN’T CALL YOU OUT AS LIP-SYNCING LITTLE LIARS

The Student Choir from New York City/Staten Island School PS 22


HAIRY MAN MOUNTAIN I WOULD ALSO CLIMB NIGHTLY FOR A TASTE AT HIS MILLIONS

Harvey “Pizza The Hut” Weinstein and wife Georgina “He Has An Amazing Personality! Really! Sob.” Chapman


THIS IS WHAT BEAUTIFUL WOMEN ARE SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE WHEN THEY AGE, AMERICA

Daphne Zuniga, aka “The Druish Princess,” aka 48 years old and stunning


LOUDEST “F*CK” ON RECORD

Donald Trump


MOST DESPERATE FOR LESBIAN OSCAR GOLD

Busy Philipps and Michelle Williams


MOST DESPERATE FOR LESBIAN TEEN CHOICE AWARD GOLD (ARE THEY GOLD?)

Lea Michele and Dianna Agron


FREEZINGEST FOREHEAD

Justin Beiber

“I’M JUST DANDYIEST”

Jude Law


SERIOUSLY, ARE THESE HIS EYES? OR ARE THESE PRANK FAKE-EYE GLASSES???

Robert Downey Jr.


WINNER OF HEFTY’S “JUST MAKE YOURSELF LOOK LIKE SOME TRASH” CONTEST

Marisa Tomei


“SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: CAN WE GET ANYONE WITH BI-POLAR DISORDER TO THE LOBBY FOR A GROUP SHOT? THANK YOU!”

Sharon Stone and Anne Heche


GUESS THIS ASS! (HINT: IT IS A MOTHER ASS.)

MONS PUBIEST

Jude Law’s Hairline


“THAT’S MY MOM’S ASS!!”

Lourdes Leon and Madonna


“THESE VAGINA FACES… THEY’RE MULTIPLYING” — FAKE SCIENTIST

Adrien Brody and John Hawkes


WOMAN AT THE ROOT OF MOST OF THE WORLD’S PROBLEMS

Russell Brand and his mother Barbara


BOYS DO MAKE PASSES AT BOYS WHO HAVE GLASSES (AND ALSO NICE ASSES DUH)

RuPaul, Elton John and Michael Stipe


WAIT, THEY’RE STILL DATING?? DOES JUSTIN KNOW?

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake

I LIKE YOU, RASHIDA. DON’T MAKE ME HURT YOU.

Garrett Hedlund and Rashida Jones

MOST EXPECTED UNDERWEAR TO MAKE AN APPEARANCE

Paz de la Huerta


WHY OH WHY DID SHE NOT WEAR THIS ON THE RED CARPET

Marisa Tomei


STUNNINGEST DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Zooey Deschanel

OH DEAR.

Ralph Fiennes


ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I FINALLY HAVE A CHANCE WITH

Ralph Fiennes


SO WHEN YOUR MADONNA’S DAUGHTER, ARE YOU SHOCKED WHEN YOUR MOM’S ASS ISN’T HANGING OUT OF A GOWN?

Madonna and Lourdes Leon

OLYPHANT FANFARE, AS IN, THIS IS WHAT I HEAR WHEN I LOOK AT HIM

Timothy Olyphant


EVEN HE’S SICK OF HER

Cameron Diaz


WHAT ORSON WELLES LOOKS LIKE IN HIS CASKET RIGHT NOW

Rick Rubin


SHE FINALLY OPENED HER EYES!!!!

Donald Trump and wife Melania Trump

THE LUCKIEST LADY IN ALL OF THE LAND

Colin Firth and wife Livia Giuggioli


KITTEN I WILL HOLD TOO TIGHTLY AND CRY INTO WHILE STARING MOURNFULLY AT THE ABOVE PHOTO

This Kitten


GGGGGGGGGGILF

Socialite Barbara “I’m 1000!” Davis


OUR PICK FOR 2012 OSCARS HOST

Paz de la Huerta

Whether or not you believe that the 2011 Oscars were the worst thing since sliced bread*, there is one thing that we can all agree on. Someone in the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences needs to pay (and pay dearly) for snubbing Corey Haim during last night’s Death March In Memoriam segment. Admittedly, Haim burned more bridges than Dylan McKay and wore out his welcome in Hollywood circles long before his untimely passing on March 10th, 2010, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to pretend that The Coreys never existed!

Since those jerks at the Academy had the unmitigated gall to dis our favorite Dreamer of Little Dreams, we figured that we’d put together the tribute to Corey Haim that he so richly deserves.

Awww, Lukoplakia! Lucas wasn’t Corey Haim’s first movie, but it was the film that established him as a sensitive dreamer in the eyes of millions of teenage girls in the mid-eighties. He hadn’t yet morphed into full hunk status, but that didn’t stop Winona Ryder from eye-f#!%ing him somethin’ FIERCE at the end of that movie.

Before Bieber was even a tingly feeling in his teenage father’s bathing suit area, Corey Haim (and, to a lesser extent, his Lost Boys wingman Corey Feldman) was appearing on the cover of Tiger Beat, doing prodigious amounts of blow and scoring with the hottest teen chicks of the late eighties (Alyssa Milano, Nicole Eggert, etc.). For this ALONE he should’ve snagged a mention from those jealous jackanapes at the Academy.

Oh yeah, we forgot, he was also tapping Heather Graham YEARS before she was Rollergirl. Give the man some credit, Academy snobs.

Yes, Corey let drugs, alcohol and more drugs get the best of him for the better part of 20 years. There’s a lesson to be learned there, no diggity, no doubt. But even though his looks had faded, he couldn’t help but look beatific in this trade ad he took out trying to convince Hollywood to give him a second chance. I mean, look at the guy. How can you not want to at least let him audition for your movie?

Even though 99% of the scumbags who rule Hollywood viewed Haim as nothing short of a leper, the directing pair of Neveldine/Taylor cast Corey in what would be his last major motion picture (meaning, something that didn’t go straight to Netflix Instant), Crank: High Voltage. And guess what? He OWNS in it!

Sorry that you caught such a raw deal, Corey. Even though you got snubbed by those pompous jerks who run AMPAS, you can look down from upon your killer afterlife manse knowing that there are thousands, if not MILLIONS, of us who will never forget your status as one of the dreamiest teen idols of all-time. Rest in peace, bro.

*We prefer to eat bread one loaf at a time. To paraphrase Charlie Sheen**, slices are for p_ssys.
**We’re fairly certain Chuck Sheen has never said anything of the sort, but really, at this rate, it’s only a matter of time, isn’t it?

Whether or not you believe that the 2011 Oscars were the worst thing since sliced bread*, there is one thing that we can all agree on. Someone in the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences needs to pay (and pay dearly) for snubbing Corey Haim during last night’s Death March In Memoriam segment. Admittedly, Haim burned more bridges than Dylan McKay and wore out his welcome in Hollywood circles long before his untimely passing on March 10th, 2010, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to pretend that The Coreys never existed!

Since those jerks at the Academy had the unmitigated gall to dis our favorite Dreamer of Little Dreams, we figured that we’d put together the tribute to Corey Haim that he so richly deserves.

Awww, Lukoplakia! Lucas wasn’t Corey Haim’s first movie, but it was the film that established him as a sensitive dreamer in the eyes of millions of teenage girls in the mid-eighties. He hadn’t yet morphed into full hunk status, but that didn’t stop Winona Ryder from eye-f#!%ing him somethin’ FIERCE at the end of that movie.

Before Bieber was even a tingly feeling in his teenage father’s bathing suit era, Corey Haim (and, to a lesser extent, his Lost Boys wingman Corey Feldman) was appearing on the cover of Tiger Beat, doing prodigious amounts of blow and scoring with the hottest teen chicks of the late eighties (Alyssa Milano, Nicole Eggert, etc.). For this ALONE he should’ve snagged a mention from those jealous jackanapes at the Academy.

Oh yeah, we forgot, he was also tapping Heather Graham YEARS before she was Rollergirl. Give the man some credit, Academy snobs.

Yes, Corey let drugs, alcohol and more drugs get the best of him for the better part of 20 years. There’s a lesson to be learned there, no diggity, no doubt. But even though his looks had faded, he couldn’t help but look beatific in this trade ad he took out trying to convince Hollywood to give him a second chance. I mean, look at the guy. How can you not want to at least let him audition for your movie?

Even though 99% of the scumbags who rule Hollywood viewed Haim as nothing short of a leper, the directing pair of Neveldine/Taylor cast Corey in what would be his last major motion picture (meaning, something that didn’t go straight to Netflix Instant), Crank: High Voltage. And guess what? He OWNS in it!

Sorry that you caught such a raw deal, Corey. Even though you got snubbed by those pompous jerks who run AMPAS, you can look down from upon your killer afterlife manse knowing that there are thousands, if not MILLIONS, of us who will never forget your status as one of the dreamiest teen idols of all-time. Rest in peace, bro.

*We prefer to eat bread one loaf at a time. To paraphrase Charlie Sheen**, slices are for p_ssys.
**We’re fairly certain Chuck Sheen has never said anything of the sort, but really, at this rate, it’s only a matter of time, isn’t it?

As we all know from being famous billionaires made out of gold that one Sopranos episode with Ben Kingsley, the Oscars “Luxury Lounge” is a place where superrich celebrities are escorted in and showered with endless free luxury items from sponsors because they are famous and it should be that way. It’s a way to reward the world’s richest humans with superfluous side-wealth, and it is completely just and sensemaking.

But check out who, of all people, made it into the 2011 Oscars Luxury Lounge:

I have no idea what Stanley from The Office is doing at a movie awards show in the first place (besides being bored by it right it was bad up top!), but strolling into the luxury lounge and grabbing a giant free Heineken bottle is the Stanliest thing Stanley could ever Stanley, so in a way it also makes perfect sense. Nicely Stanned.

[Full Disclosure: Seeing this pic three years ago, I would've been like "THE OFFICE!!" Now I'm like, "The Office." Not entirely sure what this means, but it's not just that I use fewer caps.]

Let’s begin by agreeing that “memorable” does not necessarily equal “best.” Okay? Okay.

During last night’s big American football match, there was a commercial for Homeaway.com featuring a family packed into a hotel room that was so small — HOW SMALL? — so small that the mother threw her baby against glass window. The baby then stuck against the window for a brief moment before sliding down . You know… like babies do. We all immediately knew someone would make that moment into a GIF. And we were right. Within two hours of the game ending, we had this:

I am so excited for the new subway ads. “Never ever shake your baby. Throwing them against windows is cool.”

This is the closest a commercial has ever gotten to a straight up dead baby joke. Unfortunately, I like my dead baby jokes like I like my coffee… not all over my TV.

Thanks, The Daily What.