MediaTakeOut got their hands on more leaked semi-nude photos of Rihanna, supposedly texted to a former boyfriend late last year. The Daily Mail says:
One photo shows the 22-year-old topless, clad only in a pair of lacy underwear, covering her breasts with her arms as she poses in a mirror.
Another shows her lifting her shirt open with a finger resting on her tongue.
These may be the most boring topless pictures in history. Even my family Christmas card was more shocking than this. I really tried to put the “ho” in “holiday” this year. God knows Grandma shouldn’t always be the one to have to do it.
If I asked you to rattle off a list of actors that you think are hilarious, it would probably take you a long time to drop Jesse Eisenberg’s name. Now, that’s not because Eisenberg isn’t a really strong comedic actor (because he is!); rather, it’s that his mannerisms and delivery are often created with the intent to underwhelm. By that, I mean his wiry frame and nervous energy don’t immediate bowl you over with laughter like comedians with tremendous physical chops or extreme levels of charisma and confidence. Instead, he relies on blending awkwardness with intelligence in order to sell his material.
So, how does someone whose comedic tendencies lean towards the understated perform as host of Saturday Night Live? Quite well, in fact! Seth Meyers and Lorne Michaels made a wise decision and played to Eisenberg’s strengths; throughout the evening, he played a variety of sexually immature teens and physically slight characters, all to great effect. Unlike, say, Jim Carrey, Eisenberg was content to let the hilarious cast lead the way and support the material however necessary. He proved himself to be quite adept at selling small jokes, even if he didn’t have any truly memorable performances.
Speaking of (not so) memorable performances, why did Nicki Minaj lip-sync the choruses of both the songs she performed “live” on Saturday night? Can she not hit those notes in a live setting? We’ll let you guys hash that out in the comments but, for now, let’s get into how the cast performed this week with our SNL Power Rankings.
1. Kenan Thompson (37 points): With the lone exception of Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson has the longest tenure of any of the SNL cast members. It took him a few years to find his groove, but he has proven himself to be an invaluable and utterly indispensable cast member over the last two years. His Tyler Perry impression during Weekend Update not only went over surprisingly well for the in-studio audience, but it also was a smart and subtle critique at the power structure of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, which nominated more white people for Oscars this year than they had in 10 years. And who would’ve thunk that Kenan’s fake movie poster for Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Internet All By Myself would be followed up by Tyler Perry releasing his very own Black Swan themed poster for Madea’s Big Happy Family just two days later? Also, his Blackenstein is a character that we hope to see much, much more of in the future.
2. Bill Hader (34 points): He may not have “won” this week’s Power Rankings, but it’s pretty clear that Hader has turned himself into the standout member of the cast these days. I mean, watch this Stefon outtake (from a recent dress rehearsal performance that NBC just put online over the weekend) and tell me it wasn’t funnier than everything else that made this (really good!) show this week?
3. Andy Samberg (33 points): While “The Creep” isn’t exactly Lonely Island’s finest hour, Samberg really delivered this week, especially in the last sketch of the evening, “El Shrinko.” Samberg is the cast’s go-to guy to play nerdy and somewhat nebbish teens, which suited him well both in Shrinko and, of course, his ongoing role as Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg.
4. Kristin Wiig (24 points): I’ve spent a lot of time railing on Wiig this season, but even as someone who feels like it’s time for her to leave for greener pastures, I thought her new Spa Talk character was a nice addition to her canon.
5. Jason Sudeikis (20 points): First, he was dating January Jones. Now, the rumor is that he’s making time with Scarlett Johansson. I can’t and won’t begrudge the guy anything, because Wow And Good For Him, but I will say that his output has been on the disappointing side this year. I was really hoping he’d step his game up to make up for the tragic absence of Will Forte, but alas, he seems to be preoccupied with having sex with gorgeous movie stars.
6. Nasim Pedrad (18 points): When I think back on this season, the image of Nasim Pedradhumping a Van der Graaf generator during the “Mr. Wizard” sketch will be one of the things I remember most.
7. Abby Elliott (16 points): She wasn’t terrible this week, not terrible at all! (That pushes my personal limits for the amount of praise I’m willing to bestow on Abby Elliott.)
8. Fred Armisen (13 points): A slow week for Fred, but we’ll always have the image of his breasts bouncing on the treadmill to remember, now won’t we?
9 (tie). Bobby Moynihan, Vanessa Bayer, Paul Brittain (12 points): Bayer is so great! Her Staten Island-y mom in the Spa Talk sketch once again proved that she is one of the show’s most versatile performers. As for the rest of them? Well, bring back Mark Payne!
12. Jay Pharoah (7 points): LOVED his work as a Bootsy Collins-esque mad scientist in the “Bride of Blackenstein” sketch. Lorne didn’t give him many chances this week, but Jay made the most of his camera time, that’s for sure.
13. Taran Killam (0 points): Wow, the season’s first goose egg! Where were ya on Saturday night, buddy? Did you forget to set your iPhone alarm and you overslept? All jokes aside, these things happen. He’s been steady all season long, let’s not blow this situation out of proportion…
(You’ll notice that we didn’t mention the Mark Zuckerberg cameo until right now. That’s because it was simultaneously extremely cool and extremely awkward. I mean, his stage fright paralleled Cindy Brady’s! Get a grip, Zuck; you’re a billionaire, take some media training fer Chrissakes.)
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE POWER RANKINGS: SEASON 36 TOTALS
1. Bill Hader (424 points; Last Week: #1)
2. Kristin Wiig (393 points; Last Week: #2)
3. Fred Armisen (366 points; Last Week: #3)
4. Andy Samberg (349 points; Last Week: #4)
5. ⇑ Kenan Thompson (317 points; Last Week: #6)
6. ⇓ Jason Sudeikis (290 points; Last Week: #5)
7. Bobby Moynihan (258 points; Last Week: #7)
8. Nasim Pedrad (238 points; Last Week: #8)
9. Vanessa Bayer (208 points; Last Week: #9)
10. Taran Killam (175 points; Last Week: #10)
11. Abby Elliott (169 points; Last Week: #11)
12. Paul Brittain (159 points; Last Week: #12)
13. Jay Pharoah (136 points; Last Week: #13)
Oof, the internet today. Right, guys? There could not be less interesting news in the world of pop culture. Every Blog Headline Today: Charlie Sheen Still a Mess. Thanks, internet! But forget about all that stuff for a moment. This place is dead anyway.
Let’s instead turn to having very important questions answered. “What is England?” for example. And “Why is is different than Great Britain?” That’s another good question. And “How is it that neither of those things are Great Britain exactly?” That’s also a thing nobody in the United States knows.
Would you like to have all these questions answered super efficiently by a guy with no accent? You bet your ass you would. Literally. You do that. You actually have your ass as the subject of a wager in which you have to cede control of it if somehow you don’t want these questions answered super efficiently by a guy with no accent. Hope you win the bet! But, honestly, you have a very strange gambling problem.
I just retained more information from that web video than I did from an entire year of high school geography. Thanks A LOT, Mrs. Egan.
A new disease is spreading in the Southern Hemisphere of this Earth. A disease so debilitating, it can strike up without warning and take hold of even the most innocent of humans. And once it gets hold of you, that’s it. There is no cure. I refer of course to Michael Jackson Tourettes Syndrome. The latest victim? An innocent cab driver found in Brazil.
Take a look at this home video footage and pray that you and your family aren’t infected:
Some ways that you can prevent catching Michael Jackson Tourette’s? Stay indoors after sundown. Wash the hands of your children when they get home from school. Train your dogs to make inside the house. Get your car washed – Shamone! Come on ya! – oh God, sorry, hold on a second — Hee-heeeeee*cough* — Oh no, God, SHAMONE, God no. It’s happening… It’s — Whoo! — I — SHA.. SHA… Call 911. It’s here.*RIPS VEST OPEN* *JUMPS ON CAR* *GLASS BREAKS* *MACAULAY CULKIN STARTS TO RAP*
The year? 2008. The event? The premiere party for the second season of The Tudors. There I was, wearing a black cocktail dress and an expression most succinctly described as “dazzled,” among the cast of The Tudors: Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Peter O’Toole, and a hot British actor known only as Henry Cavill, his name.
Oh, Henry Cavill, he of the perfectly carved face and body, man with an accent so British that no American female orifice is impervious to its charms. I remember back to that day fondly. My plan of action was such: Ask Henry a few questions, but immediately before that, down at least 4 bottles of Zin. Or, as I referred to it back in that post of yesteryear, “Collins’ Liquid Confidence.”
Now, had I known at the time that I was talking to the future Superman, I probably would have held my sh*t together a little better. Instead, this is what happened:
“So,” I sidled, “how does it feel being the sexiest man on The Tudors?” A trick question: If he says great, he’s off the list; If he stumbles, even falsely, he would do just fine. Happily, it was the latter: “Umm… that’s a difficult question to answer! That comes down to opinion, mostly.” Humility! So far, so good.
Onto my next question, “Cod Pieces: Yay or Nay?” He seemed flustered. “Do I have one, or would I like one?” he oozed with the finest of Queen’s English. “Personally or professionally,” I continued, prodding one might say. He thought for a second: “We tend not to wear them with these costumes. I imagine they would be quite uncomfortable.” We went on to discuss his character this season, who he assures us “has grown up now.” Indeed, he has. Before I knew it, Mr. Cavill was whisked away by another greedy-taloned young lady, and I found myself, recorder in one hand, wine in the other, checking Cavill off of my “Tu-Dor List.”
Thus ending today’s lesson: Never drink wine and talk to handsome famous men because someday they will replace Christopher Reeve (and, OK, Brandon Routh) in one of the most iconic superhero franchise of all time.
Codpieces? Really? Thanks, life. — “Brooks Was Here”
Sorry, Pixar, but your Best Animated Feature Oscar streak is about to come to an end — the Taiwanese animators behind the ridiculous cartoonizations of U.S. pop culture news have released their latest bon mot, an animated representation of Brett Favre’s latest sexual harassment allegations:
I was about to joke that someone should make a porno about a character whose d*ck is a gun, but after one millisecond of thought, I’m absolutely positive that 400 of those films exist, and I don’t want to jeopardize my job by Googling it to find the exact number. Or would I be doing my job better, because I’d be being more thorough? DONE. I’m looking at porn all afternoon.