Celebrity Bathwater

2010 has been a year of great happiness and great, grave disappointments. But before we all ring in what will hopefully be a much perkier and upbeat 2011, I thought I’d take the time to apologize to some people whose feelings I may have hurt this year. Presenting my Giant List of 2010 Apologies.

Sincere “I’m Sorries” to the following people and things:

• To Lindsay Lohan. For calling you an assh*le on the red carpet at the MTV Movie Awards. Bright side? I did say “Nice pants.”

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• To All The Dogs At Westminster. We are sorry your owners have in-breeded you to the point of r-tardation and that we laugh at your pain. On the bright side, we would crush you to death with affection. (link)

• To Glee. For giving up on you this season. (link)


• To Every Other Celebrity I Attacked On The Red Carpet. Especially you, Quentin Tarantino, for forcing you to look at my feet.

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• To Fans of Chris Brown. I’m sorry you guys got so mad at me for posting photos of Chris Brown fake crying at the BET Awards this year. “It’s not your fault that you’re so gap-toothed.” — Mean Girls. Also, really sorry your idol likes to tenderize lady face meat with his hands. (link)

• To Twilight Fans. Look, you guys aren’t as terrifying as I may have thought. So, OK, you’re 40, you have Robert Pattinson cut-outs in your room, threw your marriage to the wind in the hopes of meeting an immortal hot British man, and, wait *rustle* did you hear that? What was that? *turns around* — Thus ending my new play, “How I Was Murdered By A Twilight Fan.” (link)

• To Jon Gosselin’s Penis. For comparing you to Megan Fox’s thumb and a poached egg. (link)

• To Jon Hamm’s Penis. For doubting you at this year’s Golden Globe Awards. (link)

• To Hayden Christensen. According to the many commenters who chimed in, you had no business being on my 25 Worst Aging Actors in Hollywood list. They like you. They really wanna f*ck like you. (link)

• To Travie McCoy. For getting you pretty much smashed during our Martini Minute together, and for also possibly offering you my hand in marriage. Fig vodka does funny things to a lady.

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• To Every Other Celebrity I Interviewed For “Martini Minute.” For also getting you drunk and probably flirting with you.


• To The Babies of the Superbowl. For not being pregnant with one of you for 2011. (link)


• To A Sweet Little Girl In England. I’m sorry I called your pony ugly. Upon reassessing his appearance, I do believe he is the handsomest pony I laid eyes on in 2010. (link)

• To Regular Men Everywhere. For accusing you of not being as hot as Natalie Portman’s fiance. Some of you might be. (*side-eye*) (link)

• To Al Pacino. For Photoshopping Phil Spector’s hair unto your brilliant head in anticipation of your being cast in his life story.

• To Wendy’s. For not releasing a remix of “Chili Can Be Served With Cheese,” by far my favorite song of the year. (link)

• The 50 Creepiest Halloween Babies. You’re babies. You’re only slightly creepy during Halloween because your parents are likely super-creeps. “It’s not your fault.” — Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting (link)

• To Lifehouse. For getting to hungover to say goodbye to you at the airport following the Best Cruise Ever. Will make sure not to repeat my mistakes on this spring’s cruise. Consider this the 21st thing I learned: Do not get drunk on a work cruise. (link)

• To Dolph Lundgren. For calling you the David Hasselhoff of Swedish Television. You are way more wasted than he is. (link)

• To Jamie Foxx. For posting this GIF of you. (We kid, you should be thanking us.) (link)

• To Matthew Weiner. For repeatedly making light of your show Mad Men that clearly takes 9 soul-crushings to produce. For what it’s worth, I spent more time on my Mad Men recaps than my own college thesis. (link)

• REVERSE APOLOGY: To Matthew Weiner. For killing Miss Blankenship. Earth-shaking WTF.


• To Sal. For getting cut from Mad Men. Sure, it’s not my fault directly, but I think we all want to apologize for that bullsh*t. (link)

• The Fine People Behind the NewNowNext Awards. For wearing such a gothy gown to your stunningly fancy awards ceremony and then really blowing my perhaps only ever televised acceptance speech. I love you and thank you. (link)


• To The Many Animals We Mocked Via Animated GIFs. GIFs are no way for a dignified animal to be treated on the internet. Then again, when you’re a Horse Picasso or a brilliant Golden Retriever reenacting Children of Men, you really leave us no choice. Good luck to you guys, here’s hoping for a less Gary Abusey 2011. (link and link)

• To Aretha Franklin We posted a pun-inspired holiday card exactly one day before word broke that you have pancreatic cancer. We’re sorry for the bad timing, and want you to literally live forever and be a gospel singing OB-GYN robot delivering children in 3011. Make this wish of ours happen please. (link)

• To Ricky Martin. For making a Spanish-language cover of People Magazine announcing your sexuality. Have we mentioned we love you lately? No. We love you. (link)

• To Anne Hathaway For calling you “Man Hathaway.” (link)

• To My Mother. For sneakily writing down your every word following each episode of The Real Housewives to make the every-popular series “My Mother Recaps The Real Housewives.” (link)


• To The Real Housewives. For all the awful, horrible things my Mother said about you. (link)


• To My Mother Again. For filming you in Italy while enjoying a Kaka shirt and then posting it on the blog despite your protestations.

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HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! SEE YOU IN 2011!

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Sorry for the erratic updates this past week — we’ve been having some trouble with the site. But don’t worry, because dorks are coming to the rescue ASAP. In the meantime, enjoy these photos of Vanessa Hudgens leaving an aesthetician’s office with her mouth conspicuously covered with her hand. I’m gonna give her the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe she was Captain Morgan-ed over the holiday. I know last time I drank an entire bottle of spiced rum, I wound up with “I H8 COPS” across my forehead and a swastika on both cheeks.

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

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Spotted this license plate traveling on the 405 today:

What a genius website to collect church donations with.

GIFs are perfect. They are like little movie jokes, taking brief moments in time and memorialize them in a silent film aesthetic. 2010 has seen no shortage of fantastic GIFs. Let’s take a moment to look back on them.

1. From the Amazing Race:

2.) From Top Chef: You know Nany Pelosi loves that salad.

3.) Precious’s mom, on the other hand, has no interest in that salad:

4.) From Dancing With The Stars: Bristol Palin does this thing:

5.) The Raptors’ mascot ruins his face:

6.) A more satisfying and logical ending to Lost:

7.) This guy’s all “Whoops, Obama’s talking.”

8.) From our own Michelle Collins, the Awreatha Franklin Holiday GIF:

9.) The Kanye Shrug:

10.) And another Michelle Collins GIF: Mad Men’s Mrs. Blankenship looks BALLER.

Thanks to @gingerchildren, @joemande, and @ejlowe for tips.

1. True Blood Rolling Stone Cover. The blood. The touching. The lack of shirts. Skarsgard, why so modest? Paquin’s thigh can support itself. Paquin, cover up. Show some decorum. Moyer, you’re good.

2. Mark Paul Gosselaar’s Sex Scene on Weeds. This is a personal favorite. A water shed moment in television history. Wherein Mark Paul Gosselaar, everyone’s favorite Preppy, takes Mary-Louise Parker and does her in/on a bar. I recommend watching it again. This still hardly does it justice. NSFW.

3. Any photo of Benjamin Millepied shirtless. A star is born. A shirtless star. Sure, he’s been famous in his own right as a principal dancer at The New York City Ballet for quite some time, but when Natalie Portman deems you worthy to procreate and marry, it’s a whole new ball game. It’s like Millepied’s life went from the straight to DVD release of Center Stage: Turn It Up to the big screen release of Center Stage. PS nice ab tattoo.

4. Patrick Schwarzenegger Is All Growns Up. Michelle put it best in her post about Patrick Schwarzenegger saying it would be awful to oogle an almost 18 year old in such a manner, but OMG WOULD YOU LOOK AT HIM. PS Taylor Lautner has no problem being shirtless and I think he’s younger. Or similarly under age. I’ll get the Best Week Ever fact checkers on that one. Photo courtesy of Michelle.

5. Matthew Morrison in Vogue. I’m no Glee enthusiast. But I am an abs enthusiast. And Matthew Morrison has them. So, by the transitive property, I suppose now I am a Glee enthusiast. In addition to tanned abs, Morrison also excels in smoldering looks directed at super models. I’m sure this was the worst shoot of his life.

6. Stephen Dorff On The Cover Of VMan Magazine. Dan Hopper found this gem. Stephen Dorff, his career resurrected by Sofia Coppola, shows his happiness by denying himself a shirt. So happy. So shirtless.

7. Tom Cruise doing shirtless stunts for Mission Impossible 4. Personally, this shirtless Tom Cruise isn’t so much as attractive as fascinating. As my friend Keith observed, “He looks like a tube sock filled with oddly-shaped blocks of wood.” He then added, “Dude looks like a pug with abs.” Though this may be true, I appreciate his dedication to fitness and doing his own stunts.

8. Zac Efron Shirtless On The Beach. Kid gets a haircut, frequents strip clubs, takes off his shirt, and he graduates to Person It’s OK To Lust After Now.

BONUS EFRON!

9. Yoann Gourcuff, French Soccer Player. During the World Cup, Portugal’s Cristiano Ronaldo got a lot of attention, hotness and talent wise. However, my attention was trained on France’s Yoann Gourcuff. And, although France quit the World Cup, because they’re annoying, Yoann Gourcuff and his lack of shirt is not.

10. Shirtless Jared Leto Looking At A Photo Of Himself Shirtless. This literally came to my attention today. A friend directed me to 30 Second To Mars’ epic 13 minute video, “Hurricane,” wherein, (spoiler) dynamic front man Jared Leto is shirtless. And is presented with photos of himself sleeping (shirtless).

HONORABLE MENTION: Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway on the cover of Entertainment Weekly for Love and Other Drugs. I find that Entertainment Weekly has a penchant for awful covers. But this is a good one. This isn’t so much an abs as an arms situation.

Just an FYI, your parents might have been pandas dressed in human suits when you were growing up. That is, if we subscribe to this model, wherein humans dress as pandas to care for tiny panda cubs before they are reintroduced into the wild.

Reports Metro UK:

The four-month-old cub is the first to be trained for reintroduction into the wild by the Hetaoping Research and Conservation Center for the Giant Panda in Wolong National Nature Reserve in Sichuan province, China.

But for the baby panda to be reintroduced successfully, the cub’s environment must have absolutely no human influence, which is where the panda outfits come in.

So you’re saying that these suits are less traumatizing than actual humans? I suppose you’re the scientists so-GAH!

That is one step removed from Frank the Rabbit in Donnie Darko. “Why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit?” “Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?” Or Howard the Duck. Or any number of weird movies featuring creepy animal mascot characters.