Celebrity Bathwater

I hope all you sluts and perverts have a safe and happy New Year’s Eve, and assuming I have enough cash stuffed in my thong to make bail, I’ll see you back in this joint next year.  Kisses!

Kim Kardashian does one thing well. (IDLYITW)

Amy Winehouse is in the hospital.  Again. (LitelySalted)

Brad Pitt at Dave & Buster’s with his sons Maddox and Pax. (Celebitchy)

Heh.  John Mayer has bitch tits. (GB)

Owen Wilson is Kate Hudson’s love crutch. (ASL)

Draco Malfoy is on the beach. (HollywoodRag)

I don’t want to shock you or anything, but it turns out that Tyra Banks is an egomaniacal, superbitch diva. (DListed)

Tracy Morgan has a Motion Lotion emergency. (CelebNewsWire)

Sophie Howard has a top on for once (sort of), but it’s still impossible to focus on anything but her ginormous boobs. (Egotastic)

Jessica Alba is on vacation. (JustJared)

Celebrity gender-bending look-a-likes.  Some of these are astonishing. (CityRag)

Domino’s Pizza does not heart Snooki from “Jersey Shore.” (EvilBeet)

The Jonas Brothers are breaking up. (Allie)

Nicole Richie will guest judge the season premiere of “Project Runway.” (ICYDK)

The year-end list-making frenzy is eating the innerwebs alive right now, but I know how you pervs operate so the only list we’re going to pay any attention to is the Daily Mail’s list of Most Desirable Celebrity Bodies.  From People:

While there remains no shortage of Hollywood starlets whose stick-thin frames continue to appear in magazines and on the red carpet, it seems now more than ever ordinary women are tiring of the look — and the possible extreme measures it takes to achieve that near-impossible standard. A recent survey, which polled 2,000 women aged 18 and over, found that stars with curvier, healthier figures were more desirable, reports the UK’s Daily Mail.  Could the era of too-too-skinny starlets be coming to an end?

I don’t agree with everyone on this list, but the top three — Kate Winslet, Kelly Brook and Halle Berry — are inarguably beautiful, and it certainly would be nice if people would quit trying to convince us that looking like an emaciated refugee or a cartoon character is sexy.  Kate Moss looks like she died at least four years ago, and that’s more “hot mess” than actually hot.  Katie Price isn’t scrawny, but she’s so shiny and orange and plastic and I just want to dress her up and put her in funny poses in shop windows.  I love Victoria Beckham because she’s delightfully insane, but let’s face it, she’s a bony alien with basketballs bolted to her chest and I don’t think that’s sexy.  So for the most part, I think this is actually a pretty good list.

The Daily Mail’s list of Most Desirable Bodies:

1. Kate Winslet (16% of votes)

2. Kelly Brook (15%)

3. Halle Berry (12%)

4. Cheryl Cole (10%)

5. Beyonce (6%)

6. Megan Fox (5%)

7. Lily Allen (4%)

8. Keeley Hazell (2%)

9. Kate Moss, Katie Price, and Victoria Beckham (tied at 1% each)

Remember the kid from Billy Elliot? Well, I bet you don’t remember him looking like THIS.  Dancing does a body good, you guys.  This is Jamie Bell, and he’s all kinds of grown up in these production stills from The Eagle of the Ninth.  The movie also stars Channing Tatum, but until Mr. Tatum takes his shirt off, I’m way more interested in young Mr. Bell over here.

In some kind of ass-backwards attempt to convince us that Robert Pattinson isn’t smelly and disgusting, Bryce Dallas Howard told New York Magazine that his teeth are so brittle and rotten that they fall apart when string touches them.  From E!:

Apparently, using dental floss can be dangerous. Just ask Robert Pattinson.

The Twilight hunk supposedly chipped his tooth making sure he had healthy gums and could properly deny reports of being stinky, according to Eclipse costar Bryce Dallas Howard.

“Actually, he’s incredibly hygienic,” the actress told New York magazine at the premiere of her latest film, The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond. “He told me this story that made me crack up. He was like, ‘Oh, I have to go to the dentist.’ And I was like, ‘Oh no, what happened? Just a checkup?’ And he was like, ‘No, I chipped a tooth.’ And I was like, ‘How?’ And he was like, ‘Flossing.’ ”

Before she could be handed an award for storytelling, she admitted, “I don’t even floss. So he’s hygienic. Trust me.”

…um.  Whatever, crazy lady.  Normal people’s teeth don’t fall apart during flossing, so I’m still pretty solidly convinced that Robert Pattinson is gross.  Also, it’s gross that Bryce Dallas Howard doesn’t floss.  Is there anyone from the cast of the Twilight who isn’t gross?  Jesus, it’s like everyone who gets within a square mile of that franchise just gives up on life and starts behaving like a vagrant.