Celebrity Bathwater

One time this guy at the mall told me I looked just like Kate Beckinsale. It’s true, I do. Well, technically, it might not have been a guy who said it per se. It might have actually just been me. To myself. In a mirror. And then I might have made six-shooters with my index fingers and told myself, “You look like Trouble with a Capital T, hot stuff!” and did these little pew-pew-pews with the finger guns and blew on the barrels and winked at myself. Yep, some days it’s all I can do not to kill myself.

In last month’s Italian Vogue:

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Jodie Marsh lets her tits hang out while kissing a snake. (Hollywood Rag)

Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox are porking each other now. (Bricks and Stones)

Transformers hottie Isabel Lucas wet and in a bikini. (Egotastic)

Video of Joe Jackson attempts to hawk his record label during Michael Jackson’s memorial tribute. (The Blemish)

Kendra Wilkinson’s sexy cleavage-y photoshoot. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Kellie Pickler and Kid Rock have been dating for over a year! Hope she likes Hepatitis C and Waffle House. (Right Celebrity)

More pictures of Lindsay Lohan looking like a bloated Ethiopian at her Vegas birthday party. (CelebNewsWire)

Kelly Brook in sexy lingerie. What more could you want? (Derek Hail)

The real reason behind Billy Mays’ death. (Celebrity Smack)

The first pictures of Cassie since her leaked topless photos hit the interwebs. (Bastardly)

Mariah Carey dressed as a dude again — this time, as a hotel doorman. (Socialite Life)

Anna Kournikova gets oral! (Hollywood Tuna)

Diane Keaton suffers a head injury while filming sumo wrestling scene! There’s so many things wrong with that statement. (Celebitchy)

Mischa Barton looks like complete ass. (Websters)

String together the last five minutes of 10 “Grey’s Anatomy” episodes and you’ve got yourself “My Sister’s Keeper.” (Pajiba)

Solange Knowles GIGANTIC camel toe. (Seriously? OMG)

Uh oh — someone forgot to retouch Madonna’s Max Factor photoshoot! (UseMyComputer)

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The latest issue of Empire magazine has the first pictures of Megan Fox as a demon-possessed cheerleader in Diablo Cody’s new movie “Jennifer’s Body,” in which Megan has a lesbian love scene with co-star Amanda Seyfried. Also included? Obtuse attempts at cultural relevance and painfully scripted witticisms. “That ain’t no etch-a-sketch. This is one doodle that can’t be un-did, homeskillet!” Ugh. Thank God for hot lesbian cheerleaders. Is there anything they can’t fix?

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Hey, Mariah — Donnie Wahlberg called. He wants to know why you made him look like such a faggot in your new video.

As an egomaniacal diva herself and a man in her new video “Obsessed”:

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“Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Danielle Staub was granted a temporary injunction today against the release of a sex tape in which she stars with her former boyfriend. Give it another two weeks and it’ll be all over the interwebs for free. TMZ says

Her lawyer filed a complaint alleging [former boyfriend] Stephen Zalewski, who also appeared on the reality show, invaded her privacy and has caused her and her young daughters emotional distress.

Zalewski told Star magazine, “I’m definitely weighing my options as far as selling [the tapes] and getting them out there … She cost me so much money, why shouldn’t I make a few dollars?”

In other slut-related news, you might remember that her ex-husband claimed Danielle worked as a prostitute before being arrested for her role in an extortion plot masterminded by her Colombian cartel dealing boyfriend, all of which she categorically denied. Well, hey, guess what:

The Smoking Gun has obtained copies of FBI court documents from that bust.

The documents state that [Staub] was working as an escort when she became involved with local cocaine kingpin Daniel Aguilar. In June 1986, Daniel had [Staub] take a kilo of cocaine to Carmen Centolella, who was supposed to sell the drugs to four men. When [Staub] arrived, she was accosted by the men [and held] at gunpoint before fleeing with the cocaine.

When Aguilar learned what had happened, he orchestrated Carmen Centolella’s kidnapping. Centolella was beaten while he was held at Aguilar’s house for three days, during which phone calls were placed to his father demanding $25,000 ransom. According to the documents, [Staub] placed the first call to the father, during which she “threatened injury or death” to his son.

The FBI made their arrests and two months later — facing a possible sentence of 20 years in prison — [Staub] agreed to plead guilty to a single felony count of extortion and received to five years probation, in exchange for testifying against Aguilar. According to the documents, he was later sentenced to 15 years behind bars.

You know, I always wondered what Ron Burgundy meant by the term “smelly pirate hooker.” I don’t wonder anymore.

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