Archive for February, 2009



BEST OF THE BWE: We Were Also Robbed By Sean Penn


h1 Friday, February 27th, 2009
Don't forget to check out the Best Week Ever with Paul F. Tompkins Oscar Special tonight on VH1 at the special time of 10:00 ET. It's Slumdog Millionaire approved! SPOILER ALERT: Tool Academy sweeps. Meanwhile, over on The Net... Lohan Bulemes

Have a Great Weekend Everybody.


h1 Friday, February 27th, 2009
It's Friday, and the only stories crossing the wires are all uber-depressing: One of the Slumdog kids was hit by his father on camera, and our beloved Cash4Gold star Ed McMahon ending up in hospital ICU in very grave condition. (Pray for Ed, he's a treasure.) To quote Wes Bentley from the classic movie American Sadness: "Sometimes there's so much beauty sadness in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." So in lieu of ruining what's shaping up to be a pretty fun weekend, allow us to offer you this:
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Tiny Horse Big Dog Besties!! Please click for our new life inspiration.
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OMG Horse eyeballs = new fetish. Have a great weekend!

AD WIZARDS: Attention Fans Of Both Doritos And Vaginas?


h1 Friday, February 27th, 2009
I know sex sells, but I don't believe this Doritos 'bikini' ad qualifies as "sex":
Doritos Bikini
So wait -- the message is "Doritos: They'll cover your vagina?" Or, "Doritos: They're near a vagina and we know you love those!" Or, "Doritos: We all love to eat....hey lookatthetime!!! Can't finish this joke, gotta run. Man, time flies on a Friday afternoon when you're looking at flavored corn chip genitalia, as Will Rogers famously never said. After the jump, the accompanying Dorito Boobs:
Dorito Boobs

S.S. Megan Fox is Show and Tell


h1 Friday, February 27th, 2009

Sexy Megan Fox Pictures

Look what Brian Austin Green’s kid got to bring in for show and tell yesterday — Megan Fox. She was okay, I guess, but my alphabetized collection of leaves of the Southeast River Basin had real scientific labels and diagrams and everything. I’d like to see Megan Fox try to illustrate the difference between semi-deciduous and marcescent foliage! Advantage: North American Boxelder.

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BWE.tv Recasts the Total Recall Remake


h1 Friday, February 27th, 2009
RECASTING-TOTAL-RECALL-2.jpg News has surfaced that Columbia Pictures is in the process of finalizing a remake of the 1990 masterpiece Total Recall, where Arnold Schwarzenegger takes a nice, relaxing, face-exploding vacation to Mars. Based on a short story by Philip K. Dick, Total Recall is, in a sentence, one of the best sci-fi movies ever made, due in large part to Arnold, a hilarious script, and unbelievable, ass-blowing visual effects.

So who should be recast in the Total Recall remake? Here are BestWeekEver.tv's picks:
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Douglas Quaid = Eric Bana. Let's face it: Schwartzy is irreplaceable. But if we're being FORCED to pick a replacement, then by all means let it be Eric Bana. The man can morph himself into anyone and anything, as evidenced by his starring roles in Chopper and Munich. Plus, he's hot as.

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Melina = Maria from Sesame Street. This isn't technically recasting as they are actually the same person.

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Johnny Cab = Spencer Pratt. Eyebrows are raised when producers actually leave Pratt in the Johnny Cab when it hits the wall and explodes.
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Benny = Robert Downey Jr. RDJ has already proved that he's a skilled blackface performer. Just make sure you're not in the same room with Cuba Gooding Jr. when news of this recasting breaks. Cause you will probably die.

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Kuato = Peter Dinklage. Before you call this pick insensitive, why don't you just open your mind. Open your mind. Open your mind. See? It makes perfect sense. Also? This.

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The Two Weeks Lady = Kirstie Allie. It's the role she was food to gorge. If poor Priscilla Allen, the original Two Weeks Lady, was still alive, we wouldn't even recast this part. No one can possibly top one of the best scenes in cinematic history.

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Dr. Edgemar = Kevin Spacey. Edgemar was responsible for one of the best scenes in the original: "It won't make the slightest difference to me Doug, but the consequences to you will be devastating. In your mind I'll be dead, and with no one to guide you out, you'll be stuck in permanent psychosis. The walls of reality will come crashing down. One minute, you're the savior of the Rebel cause, next thing you know you'll be Cohaagen's bosom buddy. You'll even have fantasies about alien civilizations as you requested, but in the end, back on Earth you'll be lobotomized! So get a grip on yourself Doug, and put down that gun!" (cue sweat bead) (cue gunshot) You know who's real good at the dramatic single sweat bead take? Probably Kevin Spacey.

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Mr. Cohaagen = JK Simmons. Frankly, cast JK Simmons in any of these roles and we'll be jazzed. Especially Melina. Meeow.

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Lori = Rachel McAdams. This was the role that singled out Sharon Stone as a blonde femme fatale. We've seen McAdams play nearly every starlet role to date: Mean girl, romantic, girl next door, snarky sister... but this is the part that could launch the girl into A-list mega stardom. Until she shows her snatch. And then all bets are off.

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The Three-Boobed Mutant = Helen Mirren. The only way to guarantee this movie is a success: Give Helen Mirren a third boob. Plus, you know this dirty bitch would be down for it.

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Quaid on Mars = Jim Cramer. "Call Industrial Light & Magic. Tell them we don't need their services anymore."

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Midget Prostitute = Peter Dinklage. Look, he's already on set... might as well get a day's wortha work outta the guy...

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Mutant Mother = Brian Peppers. You're welcome! Let us know if you agree with these choices, or who you would cast instead. Also, Dear Hollywood? Please don't go through with this.

Brintey Spears Suffering from Panic Attacks


h1 Wednesday, February 4th, 2009

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Britney Spears’ much-hyped Circus tour might not ever get its feet off the ground if Britney can’t manage to get a handle on her recent panic attacks. A source close to the singer told The Sun

“Britney is in danger of not going on tour as she has been having paralyzing panic attacks. Britney screams and cries and locks herself in her room. She has been telling her doctor she feels under pressure and ill when she thinks about touring. She… fears that her performance will be branded a flop.”

You know, I used to suffer from panic attacks, too. But then I stopped drinking an entire bottle of Robitussin before going to Mass with my folks. It really did wonders for the ol’ psyche.

Rehearsing for the tour in between episodes:

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