Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 31st, 2008
Happy New Year, bitches! Don’t mix wine with hard liquor (or if you do, be sure to vomit only on the people you don’t like) and try not to get arrested because everyone you know will probably be too drunk to come bail your ass out. We’ll be back in 2009 — most likely with a roundup of more DUIs, unfortunately, because famous people never learn.
Also wishing you a Happy New Year is Kelly Brook’s rack. These aren’t really higher resolution than the ones from earlier today, but they’re bigger and there are more of them. There’s also a whole lot more of What’s-His-Face, but he’s not really fug or anything. If you’re not into dudes, I have perfect faith in your ability to ignore him:
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5. "El Azteca" by Man Man
This 2-minute pseudo-instrumental from Philly-based indie jazz(ish) quintet Man Man is ridiculously catchy and ridiculously ridiculous and will be the first track on my 2008 celebrity iTunes mix the minute I become famous enough for my opinion on such affairs to suddenly matter. Maybe I'll try to save someone's life in the subway tomorrow.
4. "Victoria" by Jukebox The Ghost
I don't know why more modern bands don't feature pianos -- perhaps because of some electric-car like conspiracy executed behind the scenes by greedy, influential guitar companies, perhaps because pianos are bulky and difficult to tour with (I'm guessing it's the former) -- but Jukebox The Ghost always seem to have more fun and pack more musicianship in their piano-happy ditties than your average five standard pianoless indie groups combined.
3. "You! Me! Dancing!" by Los Campesions!
Move over, Panic! At The Disco, !!!, and NEU! -- this group of Welsh seven-year-olds may be the most deserving-of-exclamation-points exclamation point band yet! Additional Fun Fact about the song "You! Me! Dancing!": The line "If there's one thing I can never confess, it's that I can't dance a single step" is actually an audio sample of me talking to my high school drama teacher after I was cast as the lead dancer in Kiss Me, Kate. I receive royalties whenever someone downloads this song.
2. "Time To Pretend" by MGMT
Never has the dream life of shooting heroin, star-f*cking and dying young been put so eloquently or as naively believably as in this weirdly optimistic youth-anthem. Unless you count the secret backwards messages on Miley Cyrus records.
1. "Living Well Is The Best Revenge" by R.E.M.
My lazy writer instinct wants me to type something sh*tty like "R.E.M. truly goes back to their roots on this rocker..." but to be completely honest, I don't think I've ever been stuck on an R.E.M. song quite like this one. I never went through Murmur or Automatic For The People phases in college (opting to skip straight from Pink Floyd to 70s punk), I never felt compelled to listen to "Losing My Religion" beyond its 10-plays-per-day MTV quota, and yet, here's this three-minute song in 2008 aggregating every positive trait from a legendary 28-year-old group and receiving near-daily iPod plays during my subway commute. Perhaps...this continued relevance and adaptability exhibited by R.E.M. is the mark of a truly great band after all? Oop, crap -- that lazy writer instinct ended up kicking in after all.
5. "Hometown Glory" by Adele. I know I have a 
2. "Mrs. Officer" by Lil Wayne. Weeyooweeyoowee, weeyooweeyoowee!!! I've spoken at length 
Alright, simple Open Thread -- what are your New Year's resolutions for 2009? I'll kick things off:
Yo yo yo yo yo yo, my man Brody Jenner premiered his new show on MTV, Bromance, and it's off the chain, you guys! Seriously, this show is ridiculous. It's basically the guy version of Paris Hilton's My New BFF. Actually, let me put it this way, it's a show geared towards teenage girls about guys. Because honestly, what guy would sincerely watch a reality competition show about a dude finding himself a new best friend? No offense to any of my man friends out there who watched it, but seriously, is this what you're planning on watching on Monday nights after The City? No. It's not. Unless your girlfriend makes you, in which case you have an excuse. Anyway, let's get to it. The episode contained all the basics of a reality competition show: introduce the contestants, wake them up at 5 a.m., put hoods on them a la Abu Ghraib prisoners, and throw them into a van. Bring them to the Bro-mansion. They meet Brody, get their first challenge (get two hot chicks to come to lingerie party and whoever brings the hottest chicks, wins), either win or lose the challenge, then one person gets sent home. These dudes are amazing, and all seem to have that special quality that all reality contestants have: mild retardation. Let's look at some of the best quotes from the premiere.
Michael, the only gay contestant: "We weren't in The Hills, we were in Compton."
Luke, on describing what kind of chicks he is going to try and pick up: "I just need someone with a pulse that's hot, no I'm joking!" (But you can tell he's totally not joking.)
Chris F., on what it was like to get into a hot tub with Brody for eliminations (yes, they are holding eliminations in a HOT TUB): "The awkward level went up from 5 to 28"
Femi: "Talkin to hot girls, dude that's what I do in my sleep." Yes, because literally, that is the only time a hot girl would talk to you - in your dreams. Note, this cocky guy failed to get any girls to show up to the party.
Chris F.: "Boobs were my friend today." This and other comments that Chris F. made during the show led me to believe that Chris F. might be a virgin.
Jacob, while trying impress the ladies: "I'm actually Frederick's of Hollywood's business neighbor." So if you're going to try and impress the ladies with your mad business connections, maybe try not using the phrase "business neighbor"?
I cannot remember who said this, but I wrote it down (the "bro" puns are OUT OF CONTROL on this show): "I consider myself a little bit bromosexual" Other great puns from the show: "I'd like to propose a broast," confessionals taped in the bathroom are called "can-fessionals," and Michael describes his ability as a gay man to attract ladies as "it's like a moth to a flamer."
SIDE NOTE: Sleazy T is a little bit hot, no?
Michael: "Brody's eyes bulged out of his head...and he has small eyes."
Femi, describing his breakdancing skills: "I can spin on my head, i can spin on my arm, i can spin on my d*ck." That sounds...painful.
Not a quote, but this moment was by FAR the best from the entire show: Michael, having realized that the show is not just like The Hills (he actually says this several times, "I thought this was going to be like The Hills), decides to go home. At one point during his conversation with Brody, he says "I really hope you and Lauren will get back together" and he crosses his fingers like a school girl. Wow. You know the producers just let him get on the show to see what would happen. He's an obsessed Hills fan, not someone who wants to play a game. I wish he had stayed, because he was hilarious.
And for the best quote of the show:
Brody, in the hot tub: "If there's one thing I am - it's real." The only thing that could have made that quote better would have been if he said "If there's one thing I am - it's bro-real." Maybe next time.
Did I mention that I believe the main audience for the show will be teenage girls? This is a terrible, terrible sign for our future.