Celebrity Bathwater

This week's I Like to Watch brings us 60 Seconds of Hancock, the most gay porny sounding Will Smith movie to exist after Six Degrees of Penetration. So for those of you curious as to how bad the CGI effects were, but who weren't brave enough to bust $10 to find out, consider this a small Thanksgiving present from us to you.

Remember me, Justin Guarini, the man who lost the first ever American Idol to Kelly Clarkson? Well you better remember. I know where your family lives. Would be a damn shame if something were to happen to them. You read me buddy? You pickin' up what I'm puttin' down? Haha, Happy Thanksgiving, I'm just pullin' your chain. Or am I? Justin was at the Thanksgiving Day Parade in Philadelphia. And no, I don't know why.

I don't know about you, but Gay Lance Bass always brings a ray of sunshine into my life. Put your funglasses on and check out Lance showing off his Dancing with the Stars' moves on The View this week. Has anyone ever looked happier doing anything in the history of smiles? Rarely to never.

We've all seen enough talk show animal encounters to feel the tension just before an animal runs amok through the studio and forces the hosts to either duck for cover or run around squealing, so when this Today Show segment began with "this woodpecker has anger management issues..." we all pretty much knew where it was headed. The clip also includes bonus cameos by Beaver and Turkey!

Every year I try to reflect on the things that I am thankful for, in my gratitude journal, of course. Here's what I've got so far: My Gratitude JournalNot only does it lock, but the pen really helps me express myself. This Horse Tribute Video Set To Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend"I'm also grateful to Jordan at Urlesque for finding this amazing video in which a horse's leg prances perfectly to the beat of a song that has absolutely nothing to do with horses. The Fact That Heidi And Spencer Are, Legally Speaking, Not Married YetAfter people pointed out that Heidi and Spencer's secret marriage in Mexico would probably not be legally recognized in the U.S., Spencer has said that they are in fact "really" married and that they will work out the details later. Hahaha. I'm sure they had a lot of the production details worked out with MTV though, who was there filming the whole thing for The Hills. Ugh. BUT! The institution of marriage, for right now, is still sacred. So I'm thankful for that. Rosie O'Donnell's Thanksgiving Variety Show Scored Lowest In The Ratings & Included Alec Baldwin Putting His Head On Her Boobs For No ReasonSo we'll probably never have to see that sh*t again. Thank GOD. This Fine Young GentlepupI was going to post a picture of my brother's dog in a chicken costume, but the pictures didn't come out and I thought this would adequately convey my gratitude to people who find Thanksgiving to be an occasion on which you would dress up your dog in a costume. What else should I add? HAPPY BLACK FRIDAY EVERYBODY! BUY SOMETHING YOU DON'T NEED TO HELP THE ECONOMY! (Because it's your fault.)

Remember last year at this time, when Britney Spears was mmmbaaazigally losing her mind? We never in our bald minds thought that she would get herself back into A+ shape. Well, here's another thing to give thanks for in 2008: Britney's Comeback. She looks as fly as ever, she's got a pretty good album ("Circus") coming out on Dec. 2, and while we're positive she's still crumbling on the inside, at least she got her weave together. For any of you doubting Britney's comeback, we offer you her performance at yesterday's Bambi Awards. Here she is singing "Womanizer." OK, so she's still a little dead in the eyes... and that clown face background will remain in our Thanksgiving nightterrors for years to come. But what an improvement, eh?

Wow! That was quite a slate of NFL games yesterday -- both day games were so neck-and-neck and thrilling, I considered skipping Thanksgiving dinner and putting fingers in my ears so my family wouldn't divert one single second of attention away from the spirited athletic competition that I felt truly privileged to be watching. Just kidding!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLL The opposite of all of that was true the games were not good at alllllll!!!!!!!!!! Alright, seriously -- I'll refrain from ripping on the Detroit Lions and whether or not they technically count as a professional sports franchise, but I was highly amused when the Lions were trailing 35-10 going into halftime, the fans at Ford Field were booing restlessly, God knows how many people across the country were pissed off they had to watch this 23-car-pileup of a game, and then, the perfect rub-it-in-everyone's-face moment: Pissed-off primarily-male NFL fans aged 20-55, please welcome Jesse McCartney! As for the Dallas / Seattle piece of sh*t, a friend of mine from Seattle was arguing that being a fan of Seattle sports right now is the single worst time to be a fan of any city's sports franchises, and I can't really disagree. The Seahawks are 2-10, the Mariners finished 61-101 (dead last in the American League after trading their top prospect in the preseason), the University of Washington went 0-11, and the Seattle Supersonics, the only Seattle team ever to win a title in its respective sport, moved to Oklahoma City. As often as I've dismissed pissed-off Mets fans with cries of "at least you're not a frickin' Pirates fan," I do believe that Seattle fans currently have the right to tell whining fans in any other city to shut the hell up. Eagles/Cardinals seemed like a decent game but I missed it because, like everyone, don't get the NFL Network at my parents' house. I'm sure my Philly friends are all really excited about the Eagles' determination to finish 8-8 so they're exactly not good enough to make the playoffs but also not bad enough to make any serious changes. Wait, sorry, I mean they'll finish 6-6-2. Next Thanksgiving, to get some more evenly-matched games, I feel the NFL should allow the Lions to use the Barry Sanders / halfback toss play from Madden '93 that automatically gains 30-100 yards every play, and instead of a Cowboys game Fox should just show the last boxing match from Million Dollar Baby, which will be a little more even than the Seattle game. What was on tv during your Thanksgiving gatherings, readers? Anyone else have to sit through this crap? Too bad Charlie Brown Thanksgiving didn't come on til 8...