Celebrity Bathwater

Unless you have short-term memory issues (read: smoke a lot of pot), you probably remember these pictures of Kristin Bell in a bikini. Well, here she is again, this time in lingerie in Maximal Magazine, which appears to be the poor Yugoslavian smelter’s version Maxim. Sama sebi škoditi! Only 300 dinars per issue! Come with free pohati and endemic nephropathy screening. Won’t you order today?

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Mischa Barton may technically be an albino. (CelebSlam)

Look out, Carrie Underwood — Lindsay Lohan’s after Michael Phelps! (Holy Moly)

Michael Jackson unveiled, creepier and paler than ever before! (MollyGood)

Vida Guerra attempts to out-whore Jodie Marsh. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Elisabeth Shue — NAKED!! (Mr. Skin)

If you thought they were bad before, try Tori Spelling’s tits from this angle! (Websters)

Apparently Vanessa Minillo stopped caring about her roots months ago. (Agent Bedhead)

Kevin Spacey is gay — and here are the pics to prove it. (The Blemish)

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Good thing they don’t give out medals for ass-banditry, because fourteen-time Olympic medalist Michael Phelps would have snagged another gold for snatching up a hot piece of Carrie Underwood. The Enquirer says

Michael was over the moon after hearing a rumor that the one-time American Idol thinks he is “cute.” According to celebrity tattles on-site at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics, the twentysomethings are frequently texting each other and have already begun planning a “quiet first date” near Carrie’s home in Nashville, Tennessee.

The 23-year-old athlete told Carrie, “I’m not so sure you’d want to see me eat! It might not make a great first impression.”

You wanna know what does make a really good impression on a first date? Home video of that time you danced Agamemnon at Jacob’s Pillow. Gets you to third every time. Wait, “third” is still “masturbating alone with your mom’s Cosmopolitan,” right? Yeah, third base, every time. Guaranteed.

In all his Olympic glory, for Laura:

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It's been a great last hurrah of the summer, hasn't it? We hope you all have a great weekend - and be absolutely sure to take a break from your Labor Day plans to check back on Monday, because we will be handing over the site to a VERY SPECIAL, AND INCREDIBLY FAMOUS, GUEST BLOGGER!!! Do not miss this! Until then, relive some of the laughs we had this week. We're growing up so fast, aren't we?

• Dan slipped into a virtual black hole and discovered that there is a Little Man Dancing At The Center Of The Internet.
• I was shocked and horrified to learn that some people think that, when a friend suffers a miscarriage, it is appropriate to send the Worst E-Card Ever.
• Alex pissed off some Miley Cyrus fans when he pointed out an extremely unfortunate product design with the package of Hannah Montana Gummi Innuendos.
• Dan made me feel extremely uncomfortable looking up the 30 Porniest American Apparel Ads. It's okay though, I left him a "surprise" in his desk for later (poo).
• Speaking of poo, I made a video that illustrates a common feature found in Kung Fu movies. Everyone looks like they have to take a giant dump. Watch it: Kung Poo.
• Alex did some hard-hitting political analysis of the latest Diddeo to hit the internet: Diddy had to fly commercial and has something to say about it. I wonder what the presidential candidates are going to do about Diddy's oil crisis?

Leonardo DiCaprio has a point to make. So you better LLLListen up! (via Jezebel)

It's Ebola Friday! When we take random videos that we're absolutely positive are super dooper definitely going to go viral and release them on Friday afternoons (aka, Internet PRIME TIME). This week's video: Squeeze My Belly. Man, Batman Returns looks reeeally ridiculous when you go back and watch it now:

As we mentioned this morning, David Duchovny has checked himself in to a rehab facility for his sex addiction. Now, I'm no expert in either addiction or sex, and I certainly don't have the credentials of someone as experienced as, saaaaaay, Dr. Phil, but I think I've come up with the perfect 12 step plan for Duchovny to follow. If he spends exactly 1 week in a room alone with EACH of the following 12 people, in the EXACT order I have laid out here for him, he will be permanently cured. Warning: NSFYB (Not safe for your boner): just reading this post may lower your sex drive.
STEP 1Bernann McKinney, The Dog Cloner / Misery-Style Man Napper STEP 2Madonna. There will be lots of sex, yes, but it will not be the kind Duchovny's hoping for. STEP 3The Liver Fluke Monster from The X Files. I hear this guy really likes salad. STEP 4Rosie O'Donnell. She willl teach him how to write poems about his feelings. STEP 5They cancel each other out. STEP 6Everytime Duchovny thinks a sexual thought, Spagett will jump out and ruin his boner. STEP 7Part of the recovery process is finding ways to express your emotions - why not try songwriting with Pogues lead singer Shane McGowan? STEP 8The landlady from Kingpin. Does it smell like tuna in here? STEP 9Bobo and Lil' Debbull from Nothing But Trouble STEP 10Pizza The Hut. STEP 11Tyra Banks. STEP 12FREE FLESH-COLORED MOUSTACHE RIDES!!!! It will be a long 12 weeks, but isn't getting your family back worth it, David Duchovny?