Celebrity Bathwater

Unless you have short-term memory issues (read: smoke a lot of pot), you probably remember these pictures of Kristin Bell in a bikini. Well, here she is again, this time in lingerie in Maximal Magazine, which appears to be the poor Yugoslavian smelter’s version Maxim. Sama sebi škoditi! Only 300 dinars per issue! Come with free pohati and endemic nephropathy screening. Won’t you order today?

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Mischa Barton may technically be an albino. (CelebSlam)

Look out, Carrie Underwood — Lindsay Lohan’s after Michael Phelps! (Holy Moly)

Michael Jackson unveiled, creepier and paler than ever before! (MollyGood)

Vida Guerra attempts to out-whore Jodie Marsh. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Elisabeth Shue — NAKED!! (Mr. Skin)

If you thought they were bad before, try Tori Spelling’s tits from this angle! (Websters)

Apparently Vanessa Minillo stopped caring about her roots months ago. (Agent Bedhead)

Kevin Spacey is gay — and here are the pics to prove it. (The Blemish)

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Good thing they don’t give out medals for ass-banditry, because fourteen-time Olympic medalist Michael Phelps would have snagged another gold for snatching up a hot piece of Carrie Underwood. The Enquirer says

Michael was over the moon after hearing a rumor that the one-time American Idol thinks he is “cute.” According to celebrity tattles on-site at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics, the twentysomethings are frequently texting each other and have already begun planning a “quiet first date” near Carrie’s home in Nashville, Tennessee.

The 23-year-old athlete told Carrie, “I’m not so sure you’d want to see me eat! It might not make a great first impression.”

You wanna know what does make a really good impression on a first date? Home video of that time you danced Agamemnon at Jacob’s Pillow. Gets you to third every time. Wait, “third” is still “masturbating alone with your mom’s Cosmopolitan,” right? Yeah, third base, every time. Guaranteed.

In all his Olympic glory, for Laura:

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Leonardo DiCaprio has a point to make. So you better LLLListen up! (via Jezebel)

It's Ebola Friday! When we take random videos that we're absolutely positive are super dooper definitely going to go viral and release them on Friday afternoons (aka, Internet PRIME TIME). This week's video: Squeeze My Belly. Man, Batman Returns looks reeeally ridiculous when you go back and watch it now:

• KATE MOSS TOUCHED BY A MIDAS: An artist has created “the largest gold statue since Ancient Egypt” for the British Museum, modeled after Kate Moss. It makes sense - statues and Kate Moss have a lot in common. They're both made of stone, are lifeless, and occasionally people piss on them. (Scandalist)
• EVERYBODY'S OUT OF CONTROL: Michael Lohan said Samantha Ronson was using Lindsay for publicity. Then Samantha said Michael was out of control. THEN Michael said he goes to church and therefore couldn't possibly be out of control. If I was Lindsay, I'd show them. I'd release a cover of Janet Jackson's "Control" in response. Who's in control now? HUH? You go, girl. (Mollygood)
• THEY RAN INTO A DOORKNOB, THEY SWEAR: Holy Taco has an eye-popping list of celebrities with black eyes. Lucy Lawless is my favorite for sure...she looks like she's posing for a headshot, black eye and all.
• IS IT A FAUX PAS TO BREASTFEED MADONNA'S BROTHER IN PUBLIC? Madonna's brother, Christopher Ciccone, has mouth diarrhea again! This time he has claimed that one time Demi Moore squirted breast milk at him during a party. His lawyers wouldn't let him print it in his book, since it is "unverifiable." And the REST of this guy's book IS verifiable? (Queerty)
• THE MIRACLE OF PANDA BIRTH: Stop. What. You're. Doing. There's a video of a panda giving birth. (Jezebel)