Celebrity Bathwater

The (awesome) British punk/postpunk group Wire happens to be coming to New York today for a free concert. I mention this not only to break this news to all you Wire fans who didn't already know this but happen to be checking BWE at 4:30 on a Friday, or to recommend this band to those of you unfamiliar with the group, but, mostly, as a forced segue into the following really awkward interview clip that I saw for the first time earlier this week. Three things you need to know: 1 - Suzanne Somers used to host a talk show. 2 - Wire is a very sarcastic punk band with ragingly English humor sensibilities. 3 - Someone thought it would be a good idea for the two to exchange banter. Skip to 4:23, kick back, and take in some sweet "Why does this exist?" awkwardness for the weekend:

QUIZ: How Does Gwyneth Paltrow Stay So Thin? Does she: a. Eat air souffles washed down with water enemas? b. Mow her lawn every day? (That lawn being Central Park.) c. She doesn't do anything: She's been that thin ever since she was born to a family of anemic crickets. or d. Work out for 3 hours a day? (Answer after the jump) The answer is D! Us Weekly reports:

Want Gwyneth Paltrow's body? Brace yourself. "I think she works out three hours a day - which is one of the keys to success," chef Mario Batali told Usmagazine.com at the opening of the Uncle Ben's Kids Café in Carson, California, on Wednesday "If we all did that, we’d all look like Gwyneth Paltrow," he said. "Or at least closer." He added that the Iron Man actress, 35, "loves to eat ... and, you know, she never puts on a pound!"

Well, it's not rocket science I guess. How do you guys stay so thin? Pro-Anas, Lemme hear ya moan!!

When asked if he'd ever consider doing a sequel to the "Sex and the City" movie, producer/director Michael Patrick King fed Variety this disturbingly open-ended line:

"I wrote that movie with a beginning, middle and end because I didn't want to leave the audience unfulfilled," he said. "The actresses are great, and if the gods smile and people are still interested, why not?"

...Which means we're about a year away from the following trailer: For Carrie and Big, it was a marriage made in New York heaven... [Shot of Carrie, played by Cameron Diaz, and Big, still played by Chris Noth] BIG: I love you, baby. CARRIE: I love you too... baby??? [looks down at stomach, realizes she's pregnant] [RECORD SCRATCH -- MUSIC: "Baby love, my baby love..."] CARRIE (at lunch): I hate these pregnancy tests, I can't just... pee on something. SAMANTHA: I refuse, unless it's the guy's birthday! [CARRIE CAN'T FIT THE CRIB IN HER APARTMENT] BIG: We're gonna need a bigger place. Unless you turn your shoe closet into a nursery. CARRIE: We're gonna need a bigger place. [RECORD SCRATCH -- MUSIC: "In a big country, dreams stay with you..."] This Summer, Carrie's finding Sex in the... COUNTRY??? STEVE BRADY (now played by Jamie Kennedy): I can help you raise the barn, I grew up on a farrrrr-- wha whaa whoaaah!!!!!! [PULLS BARN TOO HARD, PIECE OF LUMBER BREAKS OFF AND HITS HIM IN THE NUTS TO A 'DOING!' SOUND EFFECT] CARRIE: At least it's not Brooklyn. Sex and the City 2: Carrie That Baby CHARLOTTE: How's living in the country? [SHOT OF CARRIE FIGHTING A RACCOON WITH HER STILETTO HEELS] CARRIE: At least there aren't any cockroaches. TITLE SCREEN: Coming May 2010

Nothing much happens in the beginning part, but it gets you nice and warmed up for the amazingness that takes place beginning around the 1:20 mark. I have no idea who or what Lil Markie is, or where he's from, but you simply must know him. (via CultrVultr)

In this week's installment of I Like to Watch, the all-too-fresh-faced (seriously, did he get a chemical peel?) Michael Cyril Creighton is back to walk us through this week's brand new DVD releases. And oh, what a bloody selection: Rambo, Diary of the Dead, and Cassandra's Dream. Warning: The following video features some extremely unsavory images: Blood, gore, a deaf Amish Man... but if you can make it through to the end, you get a shirtless Ewan McGregs, looking as hairless as the day he was born. Stay Strong.

• A photo has surfaced of the alleged "other woman" in the Shania Twain split. On the right is this "other woman" that Shania's genius husband cheated on her with; on the left, the woman he will likely never have sex with again because of this. High-five, buddy.
• Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder are supposedly dating, meaning we must have walked through some kind of tabloid wormhole all the way back to 1988.
• Shia LaBeouf says he's trying to get his old man to move out of his garage. I'd usually agree with whatever the The Beef thinks, but this IS the man from whose loins sprang The Motherf*cking LaBeouf, so I think some respect is due and dad should be allowed to live in the garage if he wants. Your call though, Beefster.
• Jury duty sucks, especially when that jury duty involves watching a tape of R. Kelly having filthy sex with a teenage girl.
• Forget groundhogs, you know spring has truly arrived when Sharon Stone decides it's time to air out the old vajooj again.