Celebrity Bathwater

• APRIL FOOL'S: Did Heath Ledger father a love child while he was in school? I see your hugely farfetched gossip story that's more fun to reprint than fact-check and raise you this one: the child is JAKE GYLLENHAAL. (Sun UK)
• RENAISSANCE WOMAN: Britney Spears is back in the recording studio to work on a new album, but her dad apparently wants her to concentrate on her tv career. Um, hello? Ever hear of a little music-related show called "Singing Bee?" Two birds with one stone. (NY Post)
• ROMO DISTRACTION: Jessica Simpson has been hospitalized for a kidney infection. A kidney infection??? What an airhead!!! (People)
• STEAL: U2 signed a twelve-year deal with concert promoter Live Nation, which won't expire until Bono is 59 years old. Not to be outdone, the Rolling Stones signed an exclusive fifty-year deal to just have Martin Scorsese around them a lot. (Paste)
• TAKE TWO: Ashlee Simpson was turned down by SNL in her attempt to return to the show as a musical guest, as she was apparently a "pain" the first time she was on. Unlike most celebrities and musicians that you hear about, ever. (CC Insider)
• OPENING DAY III: And finally, the 2008 Major League Baseball season is officially underway, with most teams holding their regular season openers today, except for the Yankees, who got rained out. (Thanks a lot, A-Rod). Feel free to leave your World Series picks in the comments -- for the tenth straight year, I gotta go with these guys.

Two Playboy leading ladies get arrested, unjustly according to them, for starting a fight.

I was watching that "Pedophile Beards" sketch on Collegehumor earlier today and couldn't help but notice that their bearded, glasses-wearing "typical rapist" character sure looked an awful lot like a bearded, glasses-wearing BWE Blogger: Rather than jump the gun and simply hand Blagg over to authorities, I gave my co-blogger a three-minute head start before calling the SVU. Watch the video after the jump and agree with me:

"Seriously. You look fantastic. It's so good to see you. How's your Mom doing? I love those jacquard culottes. Beep me, won't you?" -- Karl Lagerfeld If someone could tell me what's happening with that hair, that would be great.

Not since Tina Yothers' breakout best seller Being Your Best: Tina Yothers' Guide for Girls has a particular Hollywood moment done so much to help America's pre-pubescy little ones like Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Kim, who became famous thanks to that Ray J sex tape that has forever been emblazoned on our retinas, has taken it upon herself to teach her little sister the ways of puberty. While the easiest way to explain puberty would be to just show her sister her sex tape, a more sisterly way would be to start at a lady's "time of the month" or "moon cycle". Which is what she does... And let's just say, it's not everyday you hear the words "when blood comes out of the vagina" uttered by a 10 year old. Thanks again for the memories, Kardashian family and, of course, Bruce Jenner. Kim Kardashian's "Guide to Periods" after the cut.

A movie about Blackjack earns a lot of money and wins the box office this weekend? How are headline-writers gonna come up with something clever to say about that? '21' Beats The Odds To Take Box-Office #1 The card-counting blackjack geniuses who served as inspiration for "21" wouldn't be happy with a 23, but... "21" brought down the house — and the box office — with a $23.7 million haul. "21" Didn't really beat any odds, it was clearly the box office frontrunner this week against the R-rated "Stop Loss," "Horton" in its third weekend, and (thank frickin' God) a weak-performing "Superhero Movie." Awesome opening line to the article, though -- blackjack players definitely love the number "21" so much, they hate it when dollar amounts go over $21 million. '21' TAKES THE CHIPS AGAINST 'SUPERHERO' AND 'STOP LOSS' AT THE BOX OFFICE "Takes the chips" isn't an expression -- it's a sentence that people might say occassionally, but no one's ever like "The dinner was really good, but that dessert totally took the chips!" My point is, let's make this an expression, immediately. '21' comes up aces What's good in cards? Aces, right? Ok, the movie was that, then. Film about blackjack scheme hits jackpot Nice and slow, in case you weren't following those ones that didn't explain what the movie was about before making the "jackpot" pun... A gamble wins at the box office, but revenues down Alright, we're gonna take a gamble here, people. We'll put money into capturing the illusion of movement, and that's gonna set us back a bit, but we'll also allow people to see the movement we have captured in various "motion picture theaters" around the country in exchange for currency. Seuss folds to big opening for '21' Come on, Seuss, you pussy -- call his bluff! Also, why are you folding in Blackjack? '21' Aces Out Competition At Box Office PERFECT. I salute "21" for acing out the competition, much as this headline totally aced out all the other headlines with its ace aceness. Aces are playing cards but also ace means good at something.

Brendan Fraser is officially terrifying. (MollyGood)

Janet Jackson’s belt really detracts from her balls. (Websters)

Ashton Kutcher is going to pay dearly for that wayward ass-gloss-over. (pretty boring)

A flatulent rip in the space-time continuum — and if you smelt it, you dealt it. (Pajiba)

Jenna Jameson and Aubrey O’Day — see if you can pick out which is a fifteen year veteran of the porn industry and which is a post-op tranny with a coke problem! (Hollywood Rag)

Something scary is growing on Paris Hilton’s foot. (The Blemish)

Pamela Anderson practically spread eagles it in a sweater dress at a basketball game. (The Grumpiest)

Lindsay Lohan continues her foray into “unspeakably shitty movie-dom.” (CelebNewsWire)

The good, the bad and the ugly at Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards. (Jezebel)

Paris Hilton wipes out and busts open her chin. Not the first time her chin’s been busted on, if you know what I mean! (Rad Report)

Why is Kate Bosworth hiding her vagina? No, wait — let her explain it to you. (Seriously? OMG)

Share This