Archive for March, 2008

CAPTION THIS! Karl Lagerfeld Really Likes What You Are Wearing

h1 Monday, March 31st, 2008
Karl Lagerfeld.JPG
"Seriously. You look fantastic. It's so good to see you. How's your Mom doing? I love those jacquard culottes. Beep me, won't you?" -- Karl Lagerfeld If someone could tell me what's happening with that hair, that would be great.

?A Guide To Your Period? By The Kardashian Family

h1 Monday, March 31st, 2008
KIM KARDASH ORANGE.jpgNot since Tina Yothers' breakout best seller Being Your Best: Tina Yothers' Guide for Girls has a particular Hollywood moment done so much to help America's pre-pubescy little ones like Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Kim, who became famous thanks to that Ray J sex tape that has forever been emblazoned on our retinas, has taken it upon herself to teach her little sister the ways of puberty. While the easiest way to explain puberty would be to just show her sister her sex tape, a more sisterly way would be to start at a lady's "time of the month" or "moon cycle". Which is what she does... And let's just say, it's not everyday you hear the words "when blood comes out of the vagina" uttered by a 10 year old. Thanks again for the memories, Kardashian family and, of course, Bruce Jenner. Kim Kardashian's "Guide to Periods" after the cut.

Britney Gets Her Colon Cleansed

h1 Friday, March 28th, 2008

Britney Spears is bound and determined to get rid of all the crap in her life. Literally. The Mirror reports

The 26-year-old wants to look good on the inside too and is having regular colon cleansing sessions at a clinic in Beverly Hills. Our source at the clinic said: “Cleansing a few times a week gets rid of lingering stuff in the colon. Britney’s had the treatment before and says it makes her feel great.”

Nothing like the thought of a team of professionals Selma-Alabamaing Britney’s pooper to make you wish you hadn’t gotten up this morning. It makes those two bottles of Early Times and the face first trip down the stairs last night seem like nothing but a wonderful dream.

More of Brit heading to the dentist:


Hillary Clinton Related To Angelina, Obama To Brad Pitt, Jokes Wacky Genealogical Society

h1 Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
Clinton ObamaResearchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society released their semi-annual list of "quirky distant cousin facts about presidential candidates," and I personally think they went a little overboard this time. I realize that when we get into "distant" cousins, anything can happen, but if you connect someone to Kevin Bacon in like nine movies, can you even consider that a connection? Check this out:
Barack Obama is a distant cousin of Brad Pitt, and Hillary Rodham Clinton is related to Pitt's girlfriend, Angelina Jolie. Clinton, who is of French-Canadian descent on her mother's side, is also a distant cousin of singers Madonna, Celine Dion and Alanis Morissette. [Obama's] distant cousins include President George W. Bush and his father, George H.W. Bush, Gerald Ford, Lyndon Johnson, Harry S. Truman and James Madison. Other Obama cousins include Vice President Dick Cheney, British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill and Civil War General Robert E. Lee.
Last week, the following conversation took place: HEAD OF GENEALOGICAL SOCIETY: If we don't come up with some intriguing water cooler facts soon, people are gonna catch on that we've been blowing our funding on margarita pizza parties. EMPLOYEE: Why don't we dig up some crap about the presidential candidates? HEAD: Nah, that'd take too long. We got to get these facts out there quickly. Let's just make 'em up. EMPLOYEE: Well, Hillary Clinton is of French-Canadian descent, does that help? HEAD: Bingo! All right, take this down -- Hillary Clinton is very distant cousins with Celine Dion, Alanis Morissette, Sarah McLachlan, Neil Young, Rush, and the cast of SCTV. EMPLOYEE: Wait, slow down... HEAD: And Obama seems pretty presidential. He's related tooooo..... George Bush, Truman, um, Lyndon Johnson was all about racial equality, throw him in there. Kennedy? Nah, that's pushing it. Let's say Gerry Ford too. And what the hell, James Madison. EMPLOYEE: Hang on, I'm trying to get it all down. HEAD: And Robert E. Lee and Winston Churchill. [FINISHES MARGARITA] EMPLOYEE: That's a lot of people, I mean -- we're gonna have to call them really, really distant cousins for people to believe it, right? And then it'll barely matter? HEAD: Just for that, write down that Clinton is related to Angelina Jolie and Obama to Brad Pitt. EMPLOYEE: I'm not sure people are gonna buy that... HEAD: Also McCain to Hitler. Is that too far? Ahh... whatever. Pol Pot? Yeah, go with Pol Pot instead. EMPLOYEE: Um, yessir. HEAD: Also, Huckabee is related to Charlemagne, the second Darren from "Bewitched," and Lucy the hominid skeleton. EMPLOYEE [PRETENDING TO WRITE IT DOWN]: You got it...

Chicken Soup For The American Idol Soul?Seriously.

h1 Thursday, March 20th, 2008
From THE HATER -- What more must one say. It seems pretty self explanatory. The Chicken Soup series now has an American Idol version. Great. Now check out the commercial for it, after the jump! [note: please refrain from drinking, as you may spit out liquids on your computer.] American Idol Has Claimed Many Souls When American Idol first appeared in a cloud of smoke, trotting on cloven-feet all over pop culture and the leftover Who Wants To Be A Millionaire set, we knew it would only be a matter of time before the show began claiming certain viewers', contestants', and judges' body parts for its own nefarious purposes: Simon Cowell's spleen, Paula Abdul's mind, Ryan Seacrest's vocal cords (eventually replaced with perfectly modulated synthesizers), the Clay-Aiken-shaped hole in many female viewers' hearts.

But throughout the seven years American Idol has been on the air, snatching body parts in its gnarled, veiny hands, the show has also been systematically bargaining for a more celestial prize: human souls. So exactly how many souls has American Idol claimed? Apparently, enough for an entire book:

american idol soul

I know what you're thinking: how is an American Idol soul different than a Chocolate Lover's Soul or a Nurse's Soul? (Three words: Call in votes.)What is the precise topography of the American Idol Soul: its karaoke ridges, its cliffs of blandness, its trilling valleys? And can the American Idol Soul be saved?

Ugh. After watching this excruciating commercial for the book, probably not. People who find slow motion football tossing re-enactments staged by reality TV also-rans inspiring can't really be helped.

Britney’s New Video Is Here

h1 Thursday, March 13th, 2008

Here it is, boys and girls: Britney Spears’ anime masterpiece for her new single “Break the Ice.” Anime, of course from the Japanese for “anal mucous,” making it a perfect medium for this wet fart of a song. Enjoy.