Celebrity Bathwater

(Note: This post will be much more enjoyable if read while wearing your favorite 1989 Meshach Taylor/Summer School sunglasses.) The Mayercraft Carrier so far is going swimmingly... not literally, of course, as in that case we would be sinking. On Saturday, the boat docked in the Bahamas, and the BWE crew took a break from the slowest internet connection on the planet to head over to a pretty spectacular beach in order to work on our sunglasses tan. On the way over to the beach, we shared a van with two soccer-mommish ladies from Lincoln, Nebraska, who were in better moods than we had ever been in our entire lives. The conversation began innocently enough -- talk of locations, cruise food, etc. -- but quickly devolved into the most base of exchanges: What Does John Mayer's Ass Look Like? The gals from Nebraska quickly intimated that his ass is probably kind of flat, while I personally took the high road, instead discussing what Jon Bon Jovi's ass looks like (two baby apples in a pleather sack, for the record.) Nebraska Mom #1 settled the argument by saying "Who cares what his ass looks like? It's what those lips can do that I care about!" and then shrieked with laughter for the remainder of the trip, while the rest of the van learned the definition of "collective shudder." 4 hours of beach time tucked firmly under our sunburns -- and 15 minutes of myself and Brian Faas realizing that "Ocean Trampoline" is actually code for "Quick and Bloodless Death" -- we realized we had to get back to the ship in order to prepare for our most anticipated event of the weekend... THE 80s PROM! When I first learned that there was to be an 80s Prom on board the Mayercraft, I immediately broke down sobbing, got into a fight with my best friend, ate 300 hors dourves off the nearest table, and promptly lost my virginity to the captain of the lacrosse team... THAT is how excited I was! And folks, the people on board did NOT let me down -- folks broke out their most convincing, mind-boggling puff-sleeved dresses and tuxedos in order to remember just how unflattering that decade was. Check out this group of people eating dinner next to us: It was the Bat Mitzvah I never had, but always dreamed of! The festivities were to commence later that night in the cruiseship's nightclub. But before the party, the Best Week Ever crew stopped by to see a familiar face work his undeniable charms on hordes of eager young ladies... that gentleman of course being... Sherrod Small! Yes, BWE's dear Sherrod killed in front of a standing-room crowd of at least 300 people who laughed at all of his various slurs, whether it be about Asians, Blacks, Whites or Asians. Sherrod was on fire and our laughs were the gasoline that fueled his flames and, apparently, my extended metaphors. But the comedy didn't end there folks! That's because, following Sherrod's killer performance, and directly after roughly 294 people exited the theater, it was time for something called Joke-E-Oke! Like karaoke, only you tell jokes, and then bomb without any music behind you. So clearly, we had to stick around for it! It ended up being a blast -- Brian Faas hit the stage doing Roseanne Barr jokes (including some riffs about DJ trying on a training bra), and I went with my old favorite, Chris Rock. And here's the funny thing about Joke-E-Oke!: It seems like the more alcohol you have... the funnier you'll be. I say this because I had no less than 6 apple martinis before getting on stage, and ended up killing with the 8 drunk people in the crowd brave enough to stick around. Me and the Joke-E-Oke! host, who is also very likely the heir to the Party City! fortune. Lo and behold, I made it to the finals, where I went up against an amazing girl named Star, who had killed with her Monique performance. Star and I, being ladies, refused to berate each other with "Yo Momma" jokes, as we both very much love our mothers. We opted instead to tell some less popular "Yo Uncle" jokes... which slayed! Following the Joke-E-Oke! antics, the Best Week Ever crew headed over to the "Big Event", i.e. 80's Prom. And the outfits... oh, the outfits... We found the long lost twin brothers of William Zabka... We took unflattering photos of people without them knowing... Oh, and here's something weird... WE FOUND JOHN MAYER! We're not sure what the guy leaning on Sherrod is offering Mr. Mayer, but whatever it is, it seems like fun! Yes, John Mayer made a surprise appearance at The 80's Prom, causing a near riot in the cramped, dark space. John happily obliged to pose in photos with his fans, and seemed in good spirits regarding the whole Gang Riot happening before his very eyes... Mayer gives the masses a taste of their own well-meaning yet still invasive medicine. Brian Faas and I tried to silently get his attention by making our best "bedroom eyes" in his general direction... But John paid us no mind. But through all this mass hysteria, through all the throttling intensity of seeing a MAJOR CELEBRITY in a Carnival Cruise nightclub, there was one guy who just couldn't be bothered with all the mass Mayer-steria. That man being... The Bongos Guy. Man, was he having a time or what Check back later today for more updates from The Mayercraft Carrier!