Celebrity Bathwater

From STEREOGUM -- Indie rocker Chef Nutty TV personality, Rachel Ray is going to bring you all the indie music you can handle, with her tasty treats of Dunkin Doughnuts and various crackers. Check out these details, after the jump! Indie Music Lover Rachael Ray Reveals SXSW Party

Celebrity eater Rachael Ray has her own SXSW party taking place opposite ours. She's got Holy Fuck, we've got Fuck Buttons. She's got DJ Efren Ramirez (Napoleon Dynamite), we've got DJ Kevin Barnes (of Montreal). But we've got one major thing in our favor: Rachael Ray won't be there. Here's the 30 Minute Meal lady's event info, via sxsw.com:

Feedback With Rachael Ray
Saturday 3/15 12:00 pm to 6:00 pm
Beauty Bar (617 E. 7th St.)
Listen Records, Watch Entertainment and Everyday With Rachael Ray come together to bring you Feedback...a feast of hot bands and tasty foods, hosted by America's favorite cook and indie music lover, Rachael Ray. Join us at this merging of great food and even better music with performances by Autovaughn, The Ravonettes [sic], The Cringe, Scissors For Lefty, The Stills, and Holy *&%$. DJ Efren "Pedro" Ramirez from Napoleon Dynamite will be DJ-ing inside. Drinks on us and lots of Rachael's Tasty Recipies. Open to all SXSW badgeholders.

Actually, her party sounds tasty (they said so twice). Don't worry Anthony Bourdain -- you're still our favorite rock 'n' roll gourmand.

Meet Cindy, an eight-year-old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel whose family has ingeniously taught how to balance things on her little dog face and little dog hands and feet. Cindy's owners claim the dog enters a "trance-like" state which, according to us, equally evokes both "real doggy pain" and "secret genius eyes" at the very same time -- a true skill! All kidding aside, the following quote, along with those cheerios, brought real human tears of emotion to our eyes: "She is not in the best of health with a weak heart and arthritis. Her legs are strengthened with steel implants." Keep that sentence in mind while staring at the following photo of little Cindy after the jump, where she auditions to be an out of work actress/Cheesecake Factory waitress: IT'S TOO MUCH.

I haven't been watching a whole lot of American Idol this season, but god bless moments like this one, in which contestant Alaina Whitaker - having just discovered that America voted her off the show - breaks down into tearful on-stage hysterics that finally culminate in an agonized wail/hopeless confession that we were right, she can't actually sing. She'd been keeping this deep dark secret of hers for too long, ever since she first showed up and waited hours to audition for a nationally-televised competition to determine who is the best singer. (Video is after the jump, and can be seen by clicking the image or link below.)

From POPBYTES -- Sooooo, American Idol is still in it's top-whatever. Meaning, the uncomfortably-poor performances are done, and now we're voting off the karaoke singers. Check out these rejects, after the jump! four more idol hopefuls go home
good evening! it's been a super busy day which included a dentist appointment (ugh) and picking up my parents at the airport - they just got back from hawaii and will be spending a few days here in LA before heading back to NY! as soon as my mom got in the car she immediately had to know who was booted from american idol this evening - first jason yeager left who was the main guy i was hoping would go home - he was just way cheesy and awful! then alaina whitaker was given the boot - i think unfairly - that annoying girl kady malloy should have left yet ms. whitaker i think made a mistake by singing 'hopelessly devoted to you' - i do love 'grease' but if i never heard it again - i wouldn't miss it! out next was alexandrea lushington (great last name) who i really liked and was totally bummed about - i liked her whole peace out style! both girls out tonight looked visibly upset and with good reason - they should have stayed! the last one to go was robbie carrico - the whole wig scandal must have freaked people out - a confirmation of his suspected inauthenticity - he did have a certain rocker cuteness about him but i was spooked by the thought of him rockin' a wig too! i'm so glad tomorrow is friday - it's been a crazy week! popbytes over & out for tonight...xxoo!

Gwen Stefani in V magazine. And no, V doesn’t stand for “vagina.” (popbytes)

Fergie hates Lindsay Lohan. (Pretty Boring)

Kelly Osbourne and Kate Moss booze it up together. (Seriously? OMG)

In the parlance of our times, I think I just had a Coen-gasm. (Pajiba)

SNL goes blackface to play Barack Obama and everybody gets all huffy. (Jossip)

Mischa Barton boycotts pigment. (CelebSlam)

What would you get if you crossed Hillary Clinton with Amy Winehouse? (Celebrity Smack)

Enjoy a trio of singing virgins! (PopEater)

Karen from The Office manages to avoid a Michael Jackson anal rape but gets bitten by a chimpanzee instead. In a word: lucky. (Websters)

Kate Beckinsdale channels her inner angel at the “Snow Angels” premiere. (I’m Not Obsessed)

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Let's Do The Time Warp Again And Again And Again Last night's episode "The Constant" gave us some big-time insight into Desmond's strange future-predicting abilities and what kind of 'side effects' can be produced by leaving the island (all those who had their money on drymouth are out a couple bucks this morning). In mid helicopter flight, Desmond suddenly reverted back to his 1996 self, forgetting everything about the island, not knowing Sayid's name, and getting back into the Gin Blossoms, then continuing to oscillate between the present-day boat conundrum and wacky situations in Scottish "Private Benjamin". While in 1996, we see Penelope's father, Charles Widmore, winning an auction for the journal from the Black Rock slave ship currently sitting derelict on the island, whose contents have never been revealed to anyone besides the previous owner, thus giving Mr. Widmore exclusive access to passages like: Thayre be a mighty un usual nature in this place Age and Tyme shalle be beyond the grasp of the Mighty Lord Also what the f*ck is the smoke monster? Does this mean that Mr. Widmore -- the winner of last night's "Shady of the Week" Award -- sent Desmond on his sailing trip knowing he'd end up on the island and find the ship? Or was there another reason for sending his near son-in-law there? Did he just reeeeallly want to get Desmond out of his daughter's life? Either way, I have a feeling Mr. Widmore may be running into Sayid on a golf course sometime in the future... Like "Boat Trip", Only Funnier And More Gay We finally got to see the Other Others' ship this week, though still no word on who Ben's "inside man" is -- I really hope they're not expecting to shock us by revealing Michael to be the spy (and, possibly, the captain of the ship as well?), we've been hypothesizing that since like the third minute of the season premiere. Other theories have Sayid as the inside man, jumping through time (?) or Ben as the ship's captain somehow (wearing a mustache, I hope), or maybe the inside man is just some other weirdo character actor that we'll all kind of recognize and Harold Perrineau will unrelately just show up on the island again and say "hey". For the record, I love all these options. Anyway, the ship's crew is immediately angry that Frank the pilot has brought two island survivors to their crappy boat, but the alpha A-hole quickly becomes receptive to Desmond's memory problem (I love when Daniel says "it's not amnesia", like he was literally getting the show's writers off the hook from the ol' soap opera hacky plotline) and slams Des into the ship's sickbay down below. While there, Desmond encounters George Mintkowski, the ship's communications officer, who is experiencing a similar time-jumping problem after getting too close to the island, and he's already entered the stage of a nosebleed and a possible aneurysm. Why are these two (and another deceased) experiencing the shift and Sayid and Frank aren't? Daniel mentioned radiation exposure, likely relating to Desmond's hatch meltdown, but perhaps there's more of a Desmond's-destiny element to the whole thing? Aka, DEStiny? What will happen to the other islanders if they make the trip? Beatnik Daniel Don't have much to say about the 1996 Oxford scene other than I definitely went to school with a bunch of 1996 Daniels, even if they didn't talk quite as Beatniklike; I was half-ready for him to solve Desmond's problem by arrhythmically wailing on some drums. I didn't understand Daniel's comment about "you can't change the future," because that's pretty much exactly what they were doing the entire episode, or Daniel wrote "Desmond Hume is my constant" in his notebook before coming to the island and knew it was there the whole time and forgot ever meeting Desmond, which seems impossible. I was also expecting the 1996 conversation to end with Desmond and Daniel agreeing to swap hair. Couple Plotholes Two things about the episode that bugged me: 1) When Desmond jumps through time, his actual body in 1996 or 2004 goes catatonic for a longer period of time than the flash takes. This means that he was standing upright in the middle of his military peers for what, 30, 40 minutes, and they hadn't approached him, felt his pulse, and rushed him to the hospital? 2) I also wasn't totally buying it when every single wire in the control room had been ripped out of the wall, but Sayid managed to MacGyverly hook up a phone to reach the mainland, and Desmond called and immediately reached Penny back in the UK. Even if Sayid does have amazing phone-making-work abilities, have you ever tried calling internationally?? It's soooo difficult, am I right people?? And another thing, when my wife uses the bathroom, she takes so long!!! Bitches Got More Literary Allusions Than Librarian Houdini First the obvious (oh please, like anyone could have missed it -- *puffs pipe*) I Googled "unstuck in time" to see if it was a real phrase outside of Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five and turned up sparse results. I'm sure other sources have used it in the past too, but that's as on-the-nose as literary references get. Expect Sun to visit Tralfamadore in the coming episodes. The name "Desmond David Hume" is based on the Scottish philosopher David Hume, who sought to differentiate a connection between how humans perceive things versus how things "are" or "must be." And before you puff your pipe this time and tell me "duh", I'll have you know, later in his life, a semi-senile Hume sometimes would leave a room, shut the door, then open the door back up real fast to see if the room had suddenly changed, sticking with his philosophy that we can never really say "this is how things must be," we can only perceive them. Sounds a little like what happened to Desmond last night, doesn't it? This would be a bit more revelatory if every character on the show weren't also named after nine philosophers. Finally, as this post mentions, last night's episode was awwwfully similar to the "Star Trek: TNG" series finale, when Picard jumps through time and even visits Commander Data at Cambridge. I really, really hope "Lost" ends with all the characters getting together to play poker in space. It'd be so much more satisfying that whatever they have planned. As always, throw your own thoughts / crackpot theories in the comments!

STEP 1: Before donating anything to anyone in front of the paparazzi, specifically the needy, it helps to make sure your rack is hoisted as high and prominently as possible. Today is your time to shine in the wondrous rays of the philanthropic sun. No need for your breasts to be left out of the fun! STEP 2: On your way to locating the neediest, poorest person of nil repute on Rodeo Drive, it helps to make a quick shopping stop in order to clear your mind for the amazing and generous act of kindness you are about to bestow. Stop at a local store, say... Gucci, and pick up something small, say... a diamond-studded chinchilla toilet brush, just as a little reminder to yourself that you, Kim Kardashian, are one of the lucky ones. After the jump, the rest of our guide to properly donating money to The Homeless! STEP 3: At this point, it helps to pause and make sure the paparazzi are still following you. After all, you're basically an overprivileged porn star. Casually flash them your best asset -- in this case, your miraculously rotund ass -- and remind them who the hell you are. You are Kim F**king Kardashian, and you, lady, are about to donate money to a homeless person. And don't ever forget it, OK! Magazine. STEP 4: Once you have "The Perfect Homeless Person" locked in your Donatey Laser Beams, gather up the pied paparazzis and whip out the second largest bill in your wallet: a Tenner. Positioning your buttocks to the camera, keep your eyes averted downward (you don't actually want to, you know, possibly peer into the soul of the needy), and tuck your crisp bill into their "begging cup". Pretend not to notice when said cup is full of a Skinny Starbucks Latte, and when it turns out that said "homeless person" is actually just a regular man in a fancy wheelchair. According to those photos, you, Kim Kardashian, are a great person! You've just properly donated money to the homeless in front of the paps. Congrats! APPENDIX A: If the homeless man you just slipped a tenner to asks you to dispose of his personal waste matter, just slip your sunglasses on, grab your nearest Louboutin box, and don't make a scene. (Photos via INF Daily)