Archive for December, 2007



Best Night Ever: New Year?s Eve Edition!


h1 Monday, December 31st, 2007

Break out your noise-makers, party hats, and smoke machines! Michael Cyril-Creighton and Shea Hess are here to count you down their favorite moments of 2007! Get ready for champagne, The Sopranos and Sanjaya!

Quickies: Annus Horriblus


h1 Monday, December 31st, 2007
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Blanket exacts his revenge on Jacko with a punch to the face. (Pretty Boring)

Finally, a movie that encapsulates a Colbert-like truthiness and sense of levity. (Pajiba)

Frankie Muniz can’t keep a job or a house. (Jossip)

The many faces of Homer Simpson. (CityRag)

Paris Hilton tries to work her disease magic on K-Fed. (Seriously? OMG)

Nicky Hilton! Bikini! (The Grumpiest)

Pics of Mischa Barton leaving jail dressed as a babushka. (Evil Beet)

MERRY LISTMAS: Alex?s Life-Changing Things Of 2007


h1 Monday, December 31st, 2007

Merry Listmas!So let’s pretend you’re Zach Braff and I’m this impossibly quirky-but-troubled indie chick who just stumbled into your life at the most unexpected time, and as you’re trying to figure me out, I hand my big headphones over to share with you the songs, movies and TV shows of 2007 that will CHANGE YOUR LIFE. I suggest standing in the rain and crying while you read this.

***The Top 10 Songs That Will CHANGE YOUR LIFE***

dr-dog-we-all-belong.jpg10. “Pace Is The Trick” by Interpol – I feel like this album sort of got unfairly written off, but then again I might be the only one who still enjoys Droning Sleazy Subway Rock as a musical genre.

9. “Nothin’ No” by David Vandervelde – Trying to sound like Bowie is a dangerous proposition for even the most talented artist, but David Vandervelde infuses just enough originality in his homages to 70’s glam rock to keep things awesome.

8. “My Old Ways” by Dr. Dog – As the first three selections (this one included) on my list demonstrate, sometimes there’s nothing wrong with being derivative. Dr. Dog sounds like the best parts of The Beach Boys and The Beatles, and this song makes me feel like I made the right choice by becoming a boring old yuppie.

7. “Heart Made Of Sound” by SoftLightes – This is one of those songs that most of my friends have never heard, but whenever it comes on, they all want to know who it is. A bit Braffian maybe, but the song sounds too good to hold that against it.arcadefireneonbibleendlist.jpg

6. “Hurt Me Soul” by Lupe Fiasco – Attention: obligatory hip-hop song on a white indie rock nerd’s year-end music list! But seriously, this track is amazing and I listened to it a million times this year.

5. “The Well and the Lighthouse” by Arcade Fire – I could have put any of the songs from Neon Bible on this list, because the album is that good, but I chose this one because I like the way this morality fable (whose message is vital to our apathetic generation) is told in such a toe-tapping, snappy manner.

4. “Poison Cup” by M. Ward – This is simply one of the best love songs I’ve heard in a long time.

3. “I Made A Resolution” by Sea Wolf – Just in time for New Year’s Eve!

goodarrows_large.jpg2. “New York I Love You” by LCD Soundsystem – This goes to show how much of a cranky misanthropic asshole I am, to pick the sad piano dirge about the death of culture in New York City among an entire album’s worth of brain-exploding party anthems.

1. “Bullets” by Tunng. – I literally cannot stop listening to this track on repeat, which I don’t think I’ve done since “November Rain” came out when I was 12. My constantly listening to this would probably be driving my fiancee and friends crazy if it wasn’t such a f*cking amazing song.

**Alex’s Top 5 Movies of 2007 That Will CHANGE YOUR LIFE**

5. The Lookout – No big stars, no big fuss, just a great little movie with style and suspense to spare. Netflix this one if you missed it in theaters.
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4. I’m Not There – Granted, I’m Not There will likely be enjoyed only be the most hardcore Dylan fan (and the inexplicable, totally unnecessary Richard Gere portion by no one at all), but I am that fan, and despite its aforementioned Gere problem, I loved this movie for its daring, unconventional method of examining the life of the most inscrutable rock genius of our time. And Cate Blanchett deserves every ounce of the awards buzz she’s getting for this.

3. Into the Wild – Seeing as how it happens to be my own private fantasy to one day stop writing this bullsh*t for you guys, sell all my worldly possessions, donate the money charity, then disappear to live a more natural life of simplicity in the mountains, I was particularly drawn to the subject matter of this film, which was directed by Sean Penn, but amazingly lacks his ham-handed political soap-boxing. The performances are all amazing, and despite being incredibly sad, the story was relentlessly entertaining.

2. No Country For Old Men – I’m in perfect agreement with everything my blogging cohorts have already said about this film. It’s about as close to perfection as the-assassination-of-jesse-james.jpgone can expect from the cinema these days, and the badass badassitude of Anton Chigurh alone all but makes up for that “Ladykillers” blemish on the Coen Brothers‘ 20 year-long pristine directorial resume.

1. The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford – The stunning cinematography, the innovative soundtrack, the devastating performances, the tension and excitement of story about a group of best friends who are also merciless killers, and that story being told in a manner that is almost poetic? Everything about this movie worked together like a perfect equation for total awesomeness. Not to mention that it has one of the coolest movie titles I’ve heard in years.

Movies I Haven’t Seen Yet But Suspect Might’ve Made The List: There Will Be Blood, The Diving Bell & The Butterfly, The Savages, Michael Clayton, The Bratz Movie

Honorable Mentions: Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead, Zodiac, 300, Paris, je t’aime, , American Gangster, Ratatouille

**Alex’s Top 5 Television Shows of 2007 That Will CHANGE YOUR LIFE**
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5. Paula’s Party – If the Food Network is like pornography for your stomach, this is the filthiest, sexiest, steamiest stomach porn you can find. It’s all butter-fried crispy cheese & bacon, which I could never actually bring myself to eat, but somehow savor when the world’s friendliest gradma is shoving it into people’s mouths on television. I watch it secretly, alone, with the volume on low, like some kind of pervy truck driver sneaking into a nudie booth at 2 in the morning.

4. Heroes – I try to look past people’s problems and see the best in them, which is how this show still made it onto my list despite blowing my sky-high expectations for it with a bunch of lame teen romance subplots and a hopeless addiction to adding more and more characters. The show started to show some promise towards the latter part of the season, which was cut short because of the strike, meaning that it was effectively saved by the bell. You’d better impress me in ’08, Heroes, or you’re going back on the bench.

story.jpg3. 30 Rock – Sorry Scranton, but my TV office of choice happens to be right here in Manhattan.

2. Friday Night Lights – As someone who openly hates sports, I would never have expected that one my favorite television shows would end up being about a high school football team in rural Texas. And the irony is that dorky Blue State blogger-types like myself seem to be the only ones watching this show, while the middle-American suburb-dwellers who stereotypically tend to enjoy things like football and cheerleading are, for some reason, not tuning in. Weird.

1. The Wire – You’re probably sick of people like me saying this to you, but this is the greatest television show in the history of the medium and you owe it yourself and to me to get on board and watch it already.

Constatine’s Still Got It


h1 Monday, December 31st, 2007

You might remember I brought you a little taste of American Idol cast off Constatine Maroulis rocking out in an Ohio Steinmart last month. Well, don’t think the party stops there, my friends, because it doesn’t. The crazy train makes a stop at a “To Be Announced” and then a Borders bookstore late January, after having finished a two-month stint calling bingo in a casino in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Oh, yes. Bingo. I’m pretty sure the next two rungs on that ladder of success are “singing the jingle for Simon’s Septic Tank Uncloggers” and “amateur gay porn shot in your mom’s basement.” I say 2008 is the year of the Maroulis!

Lindsay Lohan Pulls a Hat Trick


h1 Monday, December 31st, 2007
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Lindsay Lohan spent the weekend slutting it up at a film festival in Capri, and the paparazzi captured it all on film for your judging pleasure. Female First says

First she was pictured kissing Italian waiter Alessandro Di Nunzio soon after arriving on the island on Friday, before sharing a kiss with actor Eduardo Costa the following day. The 21-year-old actress was then caught on camera yesterday morning canoodling with actor Dario Faiella.

An onlooker said: “Lindsay is really enjoying herself in Capri. She wasn’t content to just share a kiss with one man – it seemed like she was on a mission. She doesn’t seem to have had any time for anything but men since she got here.”

That’s just the ones the photographers caught her groping. God knows how many slipped into her leggings unnoticed. That Lohan can sniff out an unsuspecting penis from a hundred paces — even the dark and blindfolded. I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that Native Americans used her vagina to divine for semen and aborted fetuses hidden among the deltas of the mighty Mississippi. Every good Choctaw knows there’s nothing like a couple of chunks of baby floating in a bucket of ejaculate to appease the great Hushtahli from withholding the rain, and Lindsay Lohan can’t turn around without stepping in one. And then, when it finally does rain, the firecrotch makes a great makeshift tent to shelter the entire tribe from the storm. Form AND function, boys and girls. It’s kinda like how the Native American used every part of the buffalo, even down to the intestines and hooves. After Lindsay had sex with it first, of course. Ancient talismans always get first dibs!

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Scarlett Johansson Sues Us Weekly


h1 Wednesday, December 5th, 2007
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Scarlett Johansson is lashing out against tabloid giant Us Weekly for their cover story alleging the actress underwent a nose job. Her rep tells OK! Magazine

“US Weekly’s cover story regarding Scarlett Johansson and its clear implication that she has had plastic or cosmetic surgery on her nose is an outrageous and defamatory fabrication lacking any conceivable basis or proof, despite vehement denials by Ms. Johansson prior to publication. Not surprisingly, US magazine cannot provide the dates when she supposedly had this surgery, who performed the surgery, or what was supposedly done — all because there simply is no truth to the story. The publication made a pathetic attempt to validate its story by using two cover photos of Scarlett that were taken years apart with obviously different make-up and lighting, and then relying on an “expert’s opinion” (based solely on looking at the two photos) on what “might” have been done. It wasn’t.”

And Scarlett herself has this to say to OK!:

“I have always been straightforward with the press regarding my body image and I am very concerned that my fans (and perhaps even my employers) will feel mislead. Thus, I feel compelled to take immediate legal action against US Weekly.”

“Plus, I work really hard at my craft!” she continued as she climbed up on the trampoline and pulled off her shirt. Her agent nodded in agreement as he handed her the jump rope, adding “People respect her for her talent!” Then he winked at me and held his hands out in front of his chest and made honking sounds.

Scarlett on the set of “He’s Just Not That Into You” last month:

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