Celebrity Bathwater

Miss Tyra Banks recently held a very special episode where she took people to charm school to teach them manners. And number one on her list: Girl, you best hold your farts in in front of your man!! In this clip, Tyra explains the aftereffects of holding your farts in too long, and questions aloud whether you got one of them "Rat-A-Tat-Tat" farts or your more robust "Hawwwnk-Hawwwwnk" kinds. Have such an awesome weekend, you guys.

Somebody needs to take Diddy down a peg. (Mollygood)

Hilary Duff is aging like a fine wine. (Popoholic)

The new season of The Office kicked off with rabies, nipple chafing, and dead cats. (Best Week Ever)

Who wants to watch Mariah take a leak? (The Blemish)

Paris Hilton dresses up like a Barbie to promote her new perfume, which is fitting since it probably smells like plastic commingled with ripe herpes sores. (Celebitchy)

Or if that’s not appealing, you could always go with something a little more “Taco Bell bathroom mixed with Cigarette Butts.” (Celebslam)

Y’know what’s always fun? Laughing at other peoples’ ideas and dreams. (Pajiba)

But watching small children get pwned is a close second. (timekiller)

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(Note: Possible spoilery things ahead.) Like most other gals of a certain age and IQ level (72, for the recky), I regard Wes Anderson as a God. Rushmore might be one of my favorite movies of all-time, and Royal Tenenbaums and Bottle Rocket follow closely behind. Then Life Aquatic happened, and it seemed that Wes had not necessarily lost his touch, but rather exaggerated it, confusing "whimsy" for "plot." Which would maybe explain why my expectations were fairly low for his latest movie, The Darjeeling Limited, a 90 minute journey through India by way of a train decorated with all the bells and whistles of a Wes Anderson mode of transportation, including, but not limited to, many many words and signs written in Futura font. Three brothers, played by my beloved Owen Wilson, the clutchable Jason Schwartzman, and the "Doesn't Look Related to Either of Them" Adrien Brody. They are travelling deep into India on a "spiritial journey" or sorts, a trip planned by Wilson's character Francis, who has another agenda in mind. The first half of the movie is enjoyable and strangely humorous in typical Wes Anderson fashion. But about halfway through, a plot twist throws the film's tone on its ass and expects us to just go with the flow. Darjeeling is one of those movies that has a perfect ending... about 20 minutes before the actual "let down" ending. The movie also contains plenty of ham-fisted symbolism -- one they are booted from the train, the film literally gets completely off-track; and a montage towards the end where actual baggage is used to represent the emotional kind. People who enjoy racism theories will certainly appreciate this article. Visually, however, it's a treat (I've been eating Saag Paneer ever since). Overall, I enjoyed it enough to recommend it to others. However.... Here is the one major gripe I have with The Darjeeling Limited: THE ENTIRE THING IS ONE REALLY COOL, REALLY SEXY APPLE COMMERCIAL. Really. It's amazing Steve Jobs wasn't added as a fourth bro. In fact, the first 13 minutes of the movie has been chopped off, removed from the film and made into a short called Hotel Chevalier, which can be downloaded on -- you guessed it -- Itunes! The movie features Jason Schwartzman, Natalie Portman, and an Ipod (with a Bose speaker dock, of course) getting busy in a Parisian hotel room. Portman looks fantastic in most of it -- note to the fellas, you see her bare ass -- though we were a bit disturbed at one shot that had her perched on the edge of a stool looking like a greyhound in need of some water. Really, those ribs. Her performance is good, and roughly 48 percent less annoying than in Garden State (blame Braff.) And let me tell you, if you were planning on seeing Darjeeling without catching this short beforehand, you will spend about 15 percent of the movie having no idea what's going on. It's essential to the plot. Don't have Itunes? Here's the good news: You can download it! Thank God for that. Little Mr. Ipod is used as a story device throughout the film -- and get this, he actually CHANGES throughout, from a second generation model (with the little red lit buttons) to a more "modern" fourth gen click wheel version. Also, you will notice that Owen's assistant in the movie uses a pretty sweet looking Apple laptop to coordinate their trip. In a movie that goes out of its way to evoke a very specific retro cool look, the Apple product placements stand-out like the PC guy on a Milan runway. But will anyone bitch about it? Of course not. Because Apple is "cool" and "hip" and "now". You bet your ass if once every ten minutes Adrien Brody pulled out a Swiffer WetJet, people would have a problem - especially if half the movie premiered on Swiffer.com! (An excellent site, trust.) The point: It seems like Wes Anderson bowed to some kind of promotional financial pressure to sever an essential part of the film in order to direct people over to Apple's Itunes. Which just seems wrong and against his Indie film roots. And it did kind of ruin the movie in a way. But blatant movie advertising aside, The Darjeeling Limited is an enjoyable and fun but ultimately forgettable film that relies on superficial character traits and a literal freight train to drive the story along. Which is our way of saying: Check it out!

Bright lights and cool nights can only mean one thing; it's time for premeire week! The only thing better than new TV is new undies! Join Brian Faas as he watches new programing on his Best night Ever! Bust out your red carpet and enjoy the best moments from Monday night television, including Chuck, The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Dancing with the Stars and Heroes! Because after programing this good you might mess on your self! Which is why a new pair of undies is the next best thing!

• FINALLY, A VH1 SHOW WE CAN GET BEHIND: We are happy to hear that our Papa Station, VH1, is resurrecting the career of Dr. Drew Pinsky, our youngest sex advice crush. And it's about Celebrity Rehab! If it's half as good as Intervention, consider us addicted. (Variety)
• CAUSTIC SURGERY: We're not so much thankful that Marcia Clark possibly got a minor facelift or three... we're just grateful she dropped the Soul Glo style! Feelin oh so healthy new. (NY Post)
• EVEN THE PRECOGS WOULD AGREE: O.J. Simpson's new girlfriend might not be a huge slut, but she's almost certainly going to end up murdered. (NY Daily News)
• UNSUBSTANTIATED CHILD PREGNANCY RUMOR: Billy Ray Cyrus' 15-year-old daughter Miley is not, in fact, pregnant. Which is a real bummer -- we were really looking forward to that mini-mullet! (People)
• LOOKS LIKE MY "MISS THING" PILOT DIDN'T GET PICKED UP: This fall, TV is about to get a million times less fabulous! Boo on that. (Reuters)

Mariah Carey attended the VH1’s Save the Music gala Thursday night, and although she’s looking somewhat slimmer than recent appearances — she wants us all to know that we don’t have to worry about her losing that sweet, sweet Carey badunkadunk! From People:

But there’s no chance of Carey, 38, losing her womanly curves. “I don’t feel like you have to be a size zero. We should all just embrace who we are physically,” she said. “I’m not supposed to be a stick figure girl. It’s just not me.” Last year, the singer first confessed her “bleak” diet consisted of “basically soups and fish prepared really blandly.” And Carey couples the nutrition plan with arguably the most well-traveled trainer in town.

First of all, I’m not worried about Mariah Carey dropping to a size zero because I don’t think Mariah Carey’s skeleton is a size zero. Second of all, fish and soup my ass. I have it in good faith that Mariah Carey’s real “diet secret” consists of a daily trip to the “all you can eat buffet” down at the Ponderosa chased with 2 boxes of Krispy Kremes and two fingers down the gullet. Throw in a titanium strength corset, and presto — instant diet!

More of Mariah in all her retarded, butterfly ring wearing glory, after the jump.

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