Celebrity Bathwater

Today, Chocolate Skeletor herself Star Jones has finally admitted to having gastric bypass surgery 4 years ago, an operation which was kept secret, despite the ex-View talk show host looking more and more like a plum under a magnifying glass in direct sunlight with every passing day. She also tells People Magazine the secret behind her initial succes: "To compensate for my insecurities, I spoke louder and ate more." On second thought, she really didn't have to say that as we already kinda knew it. In any event, Star's secret-keeping power doesn't end there! Turns out she's letting loose a whole bevy of secrets that have been weighing down her breasts-like-sandwich-bags-chest. Here's a list of some other things Star Jones is finally admitting to:

• In 1998, Star saw a toddler sitting on a curb and crying. In the little boy's hand was an ice cream cone, and on the street, the scoop of now melted dessert. "Are you Ok?" asked Star. "No, my ice cream fe--" and before the little boy could finish what he was saying, Star snatched him up and ate him whole.
• Star's husband, Al Reynolds, does not like to have sex with her vaginally. Instead, he grabs their poolboy from the backyard, puts him over Star, and has sex with the poolboy. This arrangement worked out quite nicely until Star began her extreme weight loss, and her body became -- according to Pedro, the young handsome pool man -- "mush too boh-nee to lay down on. Like a matt-rress made out of un cadáver de los muertos."
• This isn't the first surgery Star has undergone. When she was a child, doctors had to be flown in from Asia to sever of what was referred to as "four additional devil teets" found on her abdomen.
• Star and Al once went to a clinic to have a pregnancy terminated before their wedding. When the doctor took a closer look, he discovered that Star had, in fact, just swallowed a chicken whole.
• Her hair? Totally fake.
• And her husband is gay.

(Photo via Getty Images)

• It's about time someone finally got around to figuring out how our astronauts can look hot and sexy in space. That way they won't have to get so drunk to have crazy affairs that end in wearing diapers and trying to kidnap each other.
• If there is really such a thing as Vegansexuals, I suppose next we'll have to prepare ourselves for Carnivorapists?
• Someone stole the identity of a prize-winning poodle. After an intense investigation by McGruff the crime dog, the culprits turned out to be teenage kids who had been peer-pressured into smoking pot, then subsequently thought it would be hilarious to steal a poodle's identity.
• Today's sad breast cancer annoucement might have put a little damper on Robin Roberts' "Good Morning" to America.
• Then again, maybe I shouldn't be pointing any fingers.

(pic via MIT News)

When Joan Rivers guest-hosting on "The View" this morning, you can count on her to say something a little racy and maybe get some carefree giggles from the lightheated "View" audience. Instead, this morning, she provided us with a mental image that would give our nightmares nightmares and our erotic dreams sooper-dooper nightmares. Am I being too dramatic? Decide for yourself:

If you're anything like me (read: finally lobotomized after weeks on end of polluting your mind with only tabloid news), Where's Britney?, the latest game over at World Series of Pop Culture, is just the kind of mindless entertainment you'll be looking for on a late Tuesday afternoon that seems like it's never going to end. The game is wonderfully, delightfully, even moronically simple - you just look at pictures of a whole bunch of people, then try to point out which of them are celebrities. So you can just sit there in your cubicle, slack-jawed and drooling, clicking on people you recognize from having wasted way too much of your life reading this pop-crusted little blog of ours. May the best person with a complete lack of applicable worldly knowledge win!

Yesterday we celebrated Lindsay Lohan's Big DUI of the Month with another round of our beloved monologue guessing game, What Would Jay Say? As always, the reality of Jay's genius completely outshone any hacky jokes your humble editors were able to devise, and our minds were utterly blown by the bonus video of Rob Schneider and Leno coming together to form a comedic juggernaut of unfathomable hilarity, which you will find after the jump! Deuce Bigelow No He Didn't!

From YEEEAH! - Or is that Serena Williams? We really can't tell. Find out for yourselves after the jump! Serena Williams Naked

Have you ever lain awake in your bed at night imagining tennis ace Serena Williams naked and clutching an artfully placed bouquet of flowers? No? Well, uh, what about Mike Tyson, then? A minotaur? Asiatic black bear? Michael Clark Duncan? Oh, come off it already. So maybe it’s not flowers covering her asscrack in your fantasy. Maybe it’s a tennis racquet and a feather boa. Or a tranquilizer gun and a strap-on. Whatever. The little details aren’t important. What’s important here is that I’m about to make all your dreams come true, baby, and I’m not even asking for your credit card number.

The entire probably LSFW shot from the last issue of Jane magazine. Remember, it’s still a naked lady with flowers over her crack, in case you work in a church office or something. Pervert.