Archive for May, 2007


h1 Thursday, May 31st, 2007
  • BOOZE NEWS: Can someone please tell me why there's an emaciated meth addict staring at me from the cover of every magazine in the country? (Idolator)
  • INGRATE: Is Penelope Cruz following in Scarlett Johansson's footsteps as the latest ridiculously hot woman who's apparently not hot enough for Josh Hartnett? (MollyGood)
  • WIFE PORN: Forbes' list of the 10 Hottest Billionaire Heiresses is almost as boring as the personalities of the people who make it up. (Forbes)
  • MAGIC KINGDOM: Universal Orlando has decided to create a Harry Potter themepark so unspeakably attractive to children that begging and pleading will haunt the dreams of their parents for years to come. (AP News)
  • FREQUENT FLYER: Here's more info about that now-famous Extreme TB Patient, otherwise known as The Jerk Who's Trying To Get Us All Killed (CBS News)

Lindsay Lohan is a Pill Popping Hypocrite

h1 Thursday, May 31st, 2007

Enjoy the above clip of Lindsay Lohan giggling like a stupid twat while advising against the dangers of drinking and driving. Sure, the clip’s two years old, but now you can officially add hypocrisy and the powerful painkiller OxyContin to the ever-growing list of Lindsay Lohan’s vices. Her estranged father tells E! Online:

“I spoke to the people treating Lindsay, because I wanted to make sure she was getting the right care. And I’m satisfied they are… helping her detox from the [OxyContin]. And I learned they use the 12-step program, which includes a lot of lessons based on God’s teachings, so I was satisfied with that. First she needs to get clean, then she needs to let God into her life.”

Michael explained that after the detox period for alcohol and opiates, Lindsay would receive treatment and counseling for other drugs, including cocaine. He also said he wanted to make sure Lindsay would be getting religious counseling.

Well, Jesus might not mind tossing a drug-using drunkard a bone, but even the Savior draws the line at helping hypocrites. You remember the Seven Woes of the Pharisees (from Matthew 23):

[Jesus said] “Woe to you… you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean… you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.”

Has a more apt description of LiLo ever been written? Except for the “beautiful on the outside part,” I mean. My “Jesus for the Modern Teen” Bible offers this more contemporary translation: “You’re pathetic, you stupid skank! You are like the strippers at Scores, which have big tits on the outside but on the inside are full of cigarette butts and the spunk of countless men.” Thus saith the Lord!

I LIKE TO WATCH: Brian Faas Is Your Venus

h1 Thursday, May 31st, 2007
Pop quiz, hotshots - which is creepier: a drunken old Peter O'Toole feeling up a teenage girl, a movie called Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds starring some guy who got thrown off the first season of American Idol, or movie audiences' hopeless obsession with endless movies about a cannibalistic serial killer? There is no wrong answer, but in this week's edition of I Like To Watch, our friend Brian Faas spends some time with Venus, Eating Out 2, and Hannibal Rising. As soon as you finish moving Eating Out 2 to the top of your Netlfix queue, check out his report!


h1 Thursday, May 31st, 2007
segway cop 2.JPG

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Paternity Tests Aren?t As Funny On Court Shows As They Are On Maury

h1 Thursday, May 31st, 2007
While the "Paternity Test Results And Subsequent Celebratory Craziness" is our absolute favorite thing about Maury, a similar revelation of paternity today on Judge Hatchett lacked all the cart-wheeling "in your face!" hilarity that makes ruined lives such a wonderful daytime TV gimmick. In fact, we actually felt a little sad for the poor guy who finds out the baby ISN'T his, then has a complete meltdown about it. And to make matters worse, the child's mother neglected to give us the loud, obnoxious Baby Daddy Victory Dance that brings the necessary amount of levity to these sorts of things.

What Better Way To Start Off the Week? (Heyyyy)

h1 Monday, May 14th, 2007
Last week came the end of one of our favorite shows,, our weekly fix for some of the most random comedy happening on TV right now. It was a grab bag of hilariousness, offering up 5 different short vids, many of which would have made amazing full-length shows on their own (cough*OperationKittenCalendar*cough). Last week season finale (and we hope to got it's not the series finale), didn't disappoint, with a hysterical new installment of the gameshow I'm Not Racist, and a short cartoon called The Kosbees (aka "I like the way the pudding tastes in my mouth, Theo, yasee!") Is the show finished? What is going to happen to original Kosbee?!!? While we sort out our feelings on this one, let's pay our respects to the brilliance of the show with a third (and final?!) installment of the peppiest and most fabulous cartoon ever, Planet Unicorn. Best way to start off a Monday.