Celebrity Bathwater

• BOOZE NEWS: Can someone please tell me why there's an emaciated meth addict staring at me from the cover of every magazine in the country? (Idolator)
• INGRATE: Is Penelope Cruz following in Scarlett Johansson's footsteps as the latest ridiculously hot woman who's apparently not hot enough for Josh Hartnett? (MollyGood)
• WIFE PORN: Forbes' list of the 10 Hottest Billionaire Heiresses is almost as boring as the personalities of the people who make it up. (Forbes)
• MAGIC KINGDOM: Universal Orlando has decided to create a Harry Potter themepark so unspeakably attractive to children that begging and pleading will haunt the dreams of their parents for years to come. (AP News)
• FREQUENT FLYER: Here's more info about that now-famous Extreme TB Patient, otherwise known as The Jerk Who's Trying To Get Us All Killed (CBS News)

Enjoy the above clip of Lindsay Lohan giggling like a stupid twat while advising against the dangers of drinking and driving. Sure, the clip’s two years old, but now you can officially add hypocrisy and the powerful painkiller OxyContin to the ever-growing list of Lindsay Lohan’s vices. Her estranged father tells E! Online:

“I spoke to the people treating Lindsay, because I wanted to make sure she was getting the right care. And I’m satisfied they are… helping her detox from the [OxyContin]. And I learned they use the 12-step program, which includes a lot of lessons based on God’s teachings, so I was satisfied with that. First she needs to get clean, then she needs to let God into her life.”

Michael explained that after the detox period for alcohol and opiates, Lindsay would receive treatment and counseling for other drugs, including cocaine. He also said he wanted to make sure Lindsay would be getting religious counseling.

Well, Jesus might not mind tossing a drug-using drunkard a bone, but even the Savior draws the line at helping hypocrites. You remember the Seven Woes of the Pharisees (from Matthew 23):

[Jesus said] “Woe to you… you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean… you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.”

Has a more apt description of LiLo ever been written? Except for the “beautiful on the outside part,” I mean. My “Jesus for the Modern Teen” Bible offers this more contemporary translation: “You’re pathetic, you stupid skank! You are like the strippers at Scores, which have big tits on the outside but on the inside are full of cigarette butts and the spunk of countless men.” Thus saith the Lord!

Pop quiz, hotshots - which is creepier: a drunken old Peter O'Toole feeling up a teenage girl, a movie called Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds starring some guy who got thrown off the first season of American Idol, or movie audiences' hopeless obsession with endless movies about a cannibalistic serial killer? There is no wrong answer, but in this week's edition of I Like To Watch, our friend Brian Faas spends some time with Venus, Eating Out 2, and Hannibal Rising. As soon as you finish moving Eating Out 2 to the top of your Netlfix queue, check out his report!

• Scientists have discovered that the air in Rome contains particles of cocaine in it, not to mention caffeine and tobacco. A lesser woman would make some sort of crack about Lindsay Lohan having her 21st birthday at the Vatican, kickin' it with the Pope old style, but I am not that woman.
• The following sentence pretty much boils down the problem with today's justice system: "New York City police have found a public relations boost in a two-wheeled [Segway] scooter, welcome relief to a department criticized for suspected racism and excessive force." Wait 'til they start running over Chinese people at 3 mph.
• How amazing would it be if actor Fred Thompson actually got elected as Commander-in-Chief?! Might we suggest the nickname "President Hey-It's-That-Guy"?
• Thank God we weren't sitting next to the TB-infected lawyer Andrew Speakman, the man who may have infected dozens with deadly TB while flying back from Paris to Atlanta. We would have totally flirted, meaning now we'd be dead.
• Finally, we have some advice for this little kitty with a coin: Invest in a really expensive new friend, like this $22,000 housecat. For $22,000, that cat better find me a husband.

While the "Paternity Test Results And Subsequent Celebratory Craziness" is our absolute favorite thing about Maury, a similar revelation of paternity today on Judge Hatchett lacked all the cart-wheeling "in your face!" hilarity that makes ruined lives such a wonderful daytime TV gimmick. In fact, we actually felt a little sad for the poor guy who finds out the baby ISN'T his, then has a complete meltdown about it. And to make matters worse, the child's mother neglected to give us the loud, obnoxious Baby Daddy Victory Dance that brings the necessary amount of levity to these sorts of things.

I remember the early days of Late Night with Conan O'Brien, when friends and I would argue over who was his biggest fan while playing 4-sqaure in the 9th grade. While it seems like yesterday, and while the slap bracelets lining my arm are convincing me it wasn't that long ago, Conan has actually been on TV for almost 14 years now! Who would have guessed back then that the tall, skinny Harvard boy would end succeeding Jay Leno for The Tonight Show crown? Certainly, not the entire country of America, that's for sure. Somebody over at the TV Squad blog got their hands on a Beta-Max copy of the very first episode of Late Night, and it's incredibly entertaining. Bless them, they uploaded it to the internet! The internet - "What's that?" asks the 1993 you, right? Am I right? (hitting myself in face) Is this thing on? Anyway, enjoy this relic from your youth. (Oh, and if you don't have a spare 45 minutes lying around, the first 5 should be enough. But those die hard John Goodman fans should stick around, as he's the very first guest. p.s. Andy Richter 4VR.)
(via CC Insider)

While discussing his new film - an adaptation of children's fantasy best-seller Inkheart - with the MTV Movies Blog, actor Brendan Fraser siezed a rare and wonderful opportunity for thoughtful introspection on the experience of making his career masterwork, 1992's suburban caveman teen comedy classic, Encino Man. Says Fraser:

“It really was the end of a period in the genre of niche teen films,” said Fraser of the non-CGI pic, which co-starred Sean Astin and Pauly Shore. “It was just actors, [the] camera, [and] me with a squirrel screwed to my head. It was just having fun, really. And then after that it ushered in the whole period of CGI. That’s interesting…it’s the truth.”

Reading Fraser's insightful recollections of the summer he spent collaborating on cinematic greatness with Pauly Shore in those heady days before the advent of computer-generated effects, one almost gets a sense of what it would have been like to have a casual conversation with Michelangelo about what it was like painting the Sistine Chapel. Now, my weekly screening of Encino Man will be so much richer. ON AN UNRELATED NOTE: Anyone else notice the poster's quote? "If you liked Wayne's World, you'll love Encino Man!" - where in the hell did they come up with THAT!?!