Celebrity Bathwater

Pete Wentz shows you the manliest way to apply eye makeup. (Jossip)

Angelina Jolie is still prettier than you. (MollyGood)

Pete Doherty does rehab, take 5,935. (Celebitchy)

Who is the Sexiest Bastardly Woman in the World? (The Bastardly)

Kirsten Dunst’s sad boobies get a lift in “Spiderman 3.” (CelebSlam)

It’s common knowledge that only The Cure and Radiohead can ease you through a break up. (Pajiba)

• PREMATURE AGING: A computer expert puts a couple decades on celebs like Jay-Z, Donald Trump and Paris Hilton. That's assuming Paris even survives for a couple of decades... (NY DAILY NEWS)
• RAMBO: Prince Harry will be sent to serve with British troops in Iraq. He is a troop commander, but in Iraq will be better known as "chief target." (BBC)
• FAUX-MINDLESS RANT: A Paris Hilton impersonator had some paparazzi thinking they'd gotten the scoop of the night when she flashed her underwear then began babbling about her singing career. Her comments were so mindless they could have even come from the real Paris. (TMZ)
• GARAGE SALE: Courtney Love has announced she'll be auctioning off most of Kurt Cobain's old belongings. As if anybody's going to buy flannel shirts in the summertime. (Spinner)
• LAST CHANCE: The clock is ticking for anyone who wants to photoshop the picture of Stephen Hawking floating in zero G. Don't miss your chance to have fun at the expense of one of the modern age's greatest scientists!

Lindsay Lohan showed up at the Coachella Music Festival this weekend dressed like Waldo’s mongoloid cousin. His slutty mongoloid cousin. The one with the incontinence problem and a bad dye job and the low self-esteem. I couldn’t tell you first hand, because I don’t piss myself unless I’ve been drinking tequila, but I’m pretty sure those adult diapers would have stayed up even without the suspenders. But without the suspenders, those glasses would have just looked fucking stupid.

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We would like to take this chance to thank you, America, for finally FINALLY getting something really hilarious. Of course, I'm referring to the internet and Acceptable.tv hit sensation, Operation Kitten Calendar. And because last week we had already decided the winner, this week we were blessed with a reunion special, featuring Silence and Fatty Orange Tabby. For those of you wondering what was up with the end, Acceptable.tv is only on the air for another two weeks (boo!), so chances are they didn't want to kickstart an entire season for another 2 weeks. Still, we call bullsh! We voted for it anyway.

• To the person who put this baby orangutan in an empty pizza box: May God remember you when you reach the gates of heaven.
• To the person that stole David Byrne's bicycle: May the esteemed Talking Heads lead singer turn you away from the pearly gates once your time comes.
• To the person who finds him or herself interested enough in Hogzilla to actually go out and audition to be an extra for the movie about the giant swine: See you in line.
• To the person who slept with half of D.C. for cash and then has the nerve to not only reveal her list of clients, but name herself "Miz Julia" to boot: You are my hero. Good luck healing your brain from the things you have seen.
• To the person who can afford to spend $1,500 on an "Optimus Maximus", i.e. a f**king computer keyboard: Call me. I'm listed under "Miz Michelle."

It’s baffling, but somehow Britney Spears dressed like a cowgirl hooker is an improvement from last week. And the week before that. Just not having three or four extra chins and a beer gut is a huge step in the right direction for Britney. That said, you try walking around at night dressed like a rodeo prostitute without getting urinated on by a hobo or picked up by the cops. I give you less than an hour before you wake up in a sewer drain with a bleeding anus.

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