Celebrity Bathwater

Pete Wentz shows you the manliest way to apply eye makeup. (Jossip)

Angelina Jolie is still prettier than you. (MollyGood)

Pete Doherty does rehab, take 5,935. (Celebitchy)

Who is the Sexiest Bastardly Woman in the World? (The Bastardly)

Kirsten Dunst’s sad boobies get a lift in “Spiderman 3.” (CelebSlam)

It’s common knowledge that only The Cure and Radiohead can ease you through a break up. (Pajiba)

• PREMATURE AGING: A computer expert puts a couple decades on celebs like Jay-Z, Donald Trump and Paris Hilton. That's assuming Paris even survives for a couple of decades... (NY DAILY NEWS)
• RAMBO: Prince Harry will be sent to serve with British troops in Iraq. He is a troop commander, but in Iraq will be better known as "chief target." (BBC)
• FAUX-MINDLESS RANT: A Paris Hilton impersonator had some paparazzi thinking they'd gotten the scoop of the night when she flashed her underwear then began babbling about her singing career. Her comments were so mindless they could have even come from the real Paris. (TMZ)
• GARAGE SALE: Courtney Love has announced she'll be auctioning off most of Kurt Cobain's old belongings. As if anybody's going to buy flannel shirts in the summertime. (Spinner)
• LAST CHANCE: The clock is ticking for anyone who wants to photoshop the picture of Stephen Hawking floating in zero G. Don't miss your chance to have fun at the expense of one of the modern age's greatest scientists!

Lindsay Lohan showed up at the Coachella Music Festival this weekend dressed like Waldo’s mongoloid cousin. His slutty mongoloid cousin. The one with the incontinence problem and a bad dye job and the low self-esteem. I couldn’t tell you first hand, because I don’t piss myself unless I’ve been drinking tequila, but I’m pretty sure those adult diapers would have stayed up even without the suspenders. But without the suspenders, those glasses would have just looked fucking stupid.

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We would like to take this chance to thank you, America, for finally FINALLY getting something really hilarious. Of course, I'm referring to the internet and Acceptable.tv hit sensation, Operation Kitten Calendar. And because last week we had already decided the winner, this week we were blessed with a reunion special, featuring Silence and Fatty Orange Tabby. For those of you wondering what was up with the end, Acceptable.tv is only on the air for another two weeks (boo!), so chances are they didn't want to kickstart an entire season for another 2 weeks. Still, we call bullsh! We voted for it anyway.

• To the person who put this baby orangutan in an empty pizza box: May God remember you when you reach the gates of heaven.
• To the person that stole David Byrne's bicycle: May the esteemed Talking Heads lead singer turn you away from the pearly gates once your time comes.
• To the person who finds him or herself interested enough in Hogzilla to actually go out and audition to be an extra for the movie about the giant swine: See you in line.
• To the person who slept with half of D.C. for cash and then has the nerve to not only reveal her list of clients, but name herself "Miz Julia" to boot: You are my hero. Good luck healing your brain from the things you have seen.
• To the person who can afford to spend $1,500 on an "Optimus Maximus", i.e. a f**king computer keyboard: Call me. I'm listed under "Miz Michelle."

Displaying that she has almost figured out what it takes to be famous in America, Victoria Beckham showed up at the LA airport wearing a sweater that clearly showed the outline of her nipples. (Posh, what are you thinking? They aren't going to let you on a plane when you're smuggling those bombs.) For more pictures, head to X17 Online. Especially recently, Posh and David Beckham have been trying to convince Americans that they're famous without actually doing anything to prove it. Posh, you were a Spice Girl a decade ago. The statute of celebrity limitations on that ran out last century. Getting some current scandalous pictures out there is a great way to try to reignite our interest, but we're going to need a lot more. Next time you show us some spice, try to get the rest of that bothersome fabric out of the way. And maybe incorporate some jiggle. On video. While you're having sex. That's pretty much the only way you're gonna crack the fame barrier in the States. Here's the deal: Achieving fame in America is like making a deal with the devil, and you won't even be able to read the contract unless you flash the high beams.

Don't ever say Martha Stewart doesn't push the envelope! At least, don't ever say that about her staff...