Celebrity Bathwater

• METHOD ACTING: Did Sienna Miller and Hayden Christensen actually go all the way during their sex scene? I don't know, but I definitely went all the way watching it. (NY Daily News)
• CAN'T BE BOUGHT: K-Fed turned down Britney's $25 million divorce settlement offer. Because K-Fed can't be bought! Or sold. (A Socialite's Life)
• OUR KINDA GIRL: Lindsay Lohan texted Brody Jenner that all she wants is "McDonalds and sex." From rehab. I can't wait to bring her home to mom. (Us)
• BOSTON SUCKS: Name another city that could be brought to its knees by Meatwad, Master Shake and Frylock? (Pop Candy)
• ESSENTIAL MOVIE WRAP-UP: The Oscars? Yeah right. Everything you need to know about 2006 is right here, assuming you can understand what he's saying. (Thighs Wide Shut)

"But of course he's seen a talk show!" you say. Then I'm like "Really? That's funny, because check this out!" And then you're all "Click play": We know he's busy, but what did he just save? Like 5 seconds? On second though, that's about $4 million in Bill Gates time. Ne'er mind. (With thanks to Valleywag)

Famke Janssen can slap cuffs on me anytime she wants. (Fatback)

Sienna Miller works some granny panties and tights. Nice. (Metadish)

Britney Spears wants Justin Timberlake back. (About: Celebrity Gossip)

K-Fed gives the finger to $25 million. (A Socialite’s Life)

Kiefer Sutherland’s action figure probably fights Christmas trees and pulls down its pants in public. (CelebNewsWire)

In case you haven’t had enough of Paris Hilton… (UseMyComputer)

Britney Spears’ titties continue to disappoint. (I’m Not Obsessed)

Ryan Phillippe has a new girlfriend. (Celebitchy)

Hugh Grant doesn’t make Elizabeth Hurley’s wedding guest list. (Gabsmash)

Posh doesn’t want skinny bitches modeling her jeans. There’s irony for you. (Seriously? OMG)

“Catch and Release” teaches us that there’s nothing more romantic than drawing a dragon on your lady’s hand after you’ve finished doing the nasty. (Pajiba)

We've learned that yesterday's rumor about the producers of American Idol reaching out to Courtney Love and offering her Paula Abdul's vodka-soaked chair at the judges table was in fact false. But it did get us thinking - who else WOULD be a satisfactory replacement for the reality juggernaut's most sobriety-challenged judge? Here's who we came up with: Nominee: Whitney Houston Pros: She's the reason all these contestants believe they're future. Also, she could use the cash. Cons: She would mostly likely use the cash to buy crack. Nominee: Lindsay Lohan Pros: She's shares Paula's love of the drink and has first-hand knowledge of how to record and put out an album despite not having any discernible musical talent. Cons: The rehab thing is a big question mark. Nobody wants to watch her break down in tears once an episode so she can "make amends" with Simon. Nominee: Tara Reid Pros: With the exception of the occasional "dry-hump gangbang" here and there, she seems just about ready to get her "smiling and trying to look pretty on camera" career back on track. Cons: Idol's idea of "judging qualifications" are pretty loose, but come on. Nominee: MC Skat Kat Pros: Amazing rapping/dancing skills, not to mention the ability to defy all known laws of physics. Cons: Does not exist outside of Paula's drug-induced hallucinations. Nominee: George Michael Pros: He's the gay male version of Paula Abdul - a popular musician in the 80's who's become a drug-and-alcohol addled parody of themselves. Cons: Would likely be too busy fantasizing about getting Simon Cowell into a dark public park to actually pay attention to the Idol performers.

Only a few weeks ago, we discovered the endless beauty that is Zarf, the only transgendered character on daytime tv's All My Children. We were never soap opera people, but somehow Zarf/Zoe pulled us into a world of sensitivity and misunderstanding. When he was being accused of murdering various townspeople, we knew he was innocent. When he was locked up in jail, we made little "Free Zarf" signs, glued them onto toothpicks, and stuck them in our lunchtime paninis. When he sang, we wept. And when Adam kicked the ess outta him, we, too, bruised. But it seems that ABC is slowly writing Zarf out of the show. While the rest of the cast hunts the town killer, it seems the writers are looking to move Zarf to an outside location to avoid any unnecessary attention. Well if it's unnecessary attention you don't want ABC, it's unnecessary attention we will give. Because, as God is our witness, if you continue leaving Zarf off the screen, we will be forced to stop watching the show altogether. Do you want ABC to "Bring Back Zarf"? Then do us a favor: Then post it to your blogs. Add it to your Livejournals. E-mail it to friends and family. IM it to your Mom. Together, we can make a difference. Together, we can bring back Zarf. Click Here to Sign the Petition! And click here to familiarize yourselves with the man... er, person... if you haven't already.

I'm sorry, but doesn't anybody know how to do cocaine anymore? In the past week we've seen Nicole Richie lick it, some fat dude pour it on his chest, and now Pete Doherty is injecting it into his arm. Call me old fashioned, but I could've sworn it was supposed to go up your nose. Of course, in all seriousness, you shouldn't be doing coke in the first place because if Johnny Dakota taught us anything it's that "there's no hope with dope." And besides, after looking at people like Paris, Nicole, the fat dude and Pete Doherty... I couldn't possibly think of a better anti-drug commercial. (Video kinda NSFW and kinda disturbing) Vid via WWTDD

Mere days after Kate Moss and Pete Doherty’s Buddhist blessing in Thailand earlier this month, Pete managed to land himself on videotape shooting up cocaine with some skanks in a hostel. London’s The Sun reports

Junkie rocker Pete Doherty injects himself with cocaine in a grubby Thai hostel — as he tells worried lover Kate Moss he is “fine” on the phone. Bare-chested Doherty shot up several times after joining three girls in a backpacker’s £8-a-night room. He clasped a mobile between head and shoulder as concerned model Kate asked him where he was and what he was doing. The out-of-it Babyshambles singer replied: “What’s the matter? I love you.”

Jess Lea, a backpacking student, had invited him to her room to party with her and two female friends. She asked Doherty if rumours he had married Kate were true. He replied: “No, I love her but I wouldn’t marry her if she was the last woman on Earth. She’s too paranoid.” Jess said she witnessed Doherty injecting coke at least three times between 1.30am and 4am. She added: “It was a bit mind-blowing. He asked us if we minded. Initially we were like, ‘OK, go for it’, but as time went on we began to get nervous.”

And yet Kate Moss checked herself into rehab yesterday right alongside him — presumably to keep a watchful eye on him — fully intending to stay with this loser. The whole situation reminds me of the time I tried to spell my name in the snow with tinkle. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make it past more than an “A,” and even then it only looked like an A if you were looking at it upside down. I tried everything I could think of — removing my pants entirely, peeing into a funnel, holding my pee for four hours, anything — but it never worked. I just couldn’t urinate my name. It turns out you need a penis for that sort of thing. And no matter how long my clitoris might have been, it still didn’t work like a penis. Same holds true for Kate here. No matter how hard she tries, she’s not going to grow a penis either. Or make Pete Doherty get sober. It’s just a fact of life.

To watch the actual video footage of Pete injecting himself with cocaine, click here. It’s a real scream.