Celebrity Bathwater

Too bad Christmas is over, because I just found the gift of a lifetime.  A genius on eBay created his very own “Paris Hilton toilet paper” — black and white images of the heiress printed on your regular run-of-the-mill Charmin.  Although the auction ended earlier today, you could always scoop up that “Paris Hilton douche bag and tubing” I saw at the mall last week.  Because nothing says “vagina funk” and “not-so-fresh feeling” quite like Paris Hilton. 

10. I, Jamie Foxx - Do hereby resolve to ratchet up my Unending Attention Whoring Tour even a few more notches by making myself available to perform the refrain from "Golddigger" at store openings, birthday parties, bar mitzvahs and any other event featuring more than four people who will look at me. 9. I, Rush Limbaugh - Do hereby resolve to continue talking out of my ass day in and day out on my radio program for people who lack the capability of even the most basic forms of rational thought. I will make every attempt to use my ignorant, uninformed opinions to appeal to the fragile emotions of the weak and fearful, and take great care to callously belittle and humiliate all those whom I have deemed "evil" or an "enemy" of my flawed ideals, even if they are beloved actors and activists who have suffered more in a single hour than I will in the entirety of my gluttonous, pharmaceutically anesthized waste of a life. 8. I, Clay Aiken - Do hereby resolve to stay in this closet, where it is nice and warm, forever. 7. I, Zach Braff - Do hereby resolve to continue my divine destiny of giving a voice to my generation by symbolizing all of the complex feelings of insecurity, angst and regret that a person younger than 30 years of age might or might not experience. I will do this through a combination of overwrought screenwriting, self-indulgent "artsy" camera angles, and a bunch of songs too mainstream for The OC as my soundtrack (which will then be sold at Target with "hand-picked by Zach Braff" marked on the packaging, in order that the twelve year-old girls who buy it will know that they are in the expert hands of a person who reads SPIN Magazine). Also, in my next movie, I will have my character deem Arcade Fire the lynchpin holding together all constructs of reality, and the very secret of human existence. 6. I, Lindsay Lohan - Do hereby resolve to continue utilizing the mobile communication capabilities of my T-Mobile Sidekick to ensure that every tabloid journalist in the world is up-to-date on every single paranoid delusion I might be experiencing on a given late-night coke binge. I will string together sprawling missives of incoherent ranting, puzzling references and knee-slappingly hilarious naivete, and have absolutely no fears about sending these incriminating messages to the very sleaziest of celebrity publicists. I will be adequite in the way of the future-Howard Hughes. 5. I, Kevin Federline - Do hereby resolve to successfully maintain a Fresno-representin' career based entirely on absurd rapping dreams, energy drink endorsement appearances, and being fake bodyslammed on Monday Night Wrestling. If I work hard and stay focused, one day I will be able to retire to Daytona Beach Florida, where Vanilla Ice and I will party with B-list Hooters girls every day until we die. 4. I, Madonna - Do hereby resolve to sink to the deepest of depths in order to regain the attention and relevence I enjoyed in the 80's. Since the self-crucifixion and poor-people adoption thing hasn't seemed to work, I will attempt the following in 2007: spray-painting the word "c*nt" onto the Mona Lisa in orange neon, having threeway sex with the Pope and that gay guy from the "Justify My Love" video, and rubbing poop all over my face at the Oscars. 3. I, Jared Leto - Do hereby resolve to launch a shock and awe campaign of Douche the likes of which the world has never known. Aside from getting into idiotic fights with bloggers and Elijah Wood, and pretending to be "dark and edgy" despite my predilection for dating bimbo fame-whores like Lindsay Lohan and Tila Tequlia, I will make pretentious statements whenever there's a microphone in front of me, continue mistaking my sh*tty mall-punk for art, and just act like an all-around jerk-off everywhere, all of the time. Maybe I'll even have a child with Avril Lavigne. 2. I, Donald Trump - Do hereby resolve to punch Rosie O'Donnell in that fat, poor, gay, loud, stupid, poor, fat face of hers. 1. I, Britney Spears - Do hereby resolve to keep up the good work.

Actress and collagen-enthusiast Lara Flynn Boyle has seen the ups-and-downs of love... mostly downs. We can't imagine the sort of images burned into the girl's memory, from Jack Nicholson's claw hands copping a feel to her being the "big spoon" in post-coital cuddling with David Spade. Which is why we are pleased to report that Lara has gotten married... and her new husband is not some comedic Hollywood persona, but instead the rather bland sounding "Donald Thomas of San Antonio." Bo-ringgg. A source at the honeymoon hotel (read: Bellhop who was tipped a little too much) told Star Magazine that Lara looked "thin and pretty", adding "She had big lips, but they didn't look weird." Nice touch, paid source. Glad to see the Restalyne finally evened itself out. Congrats to the happy couple!

Mix one part classic R.E.M. video, two parts Rushmore, one part Joan of Arc and just a touch of The OC, and you'll have yourselves the brand new video for The Shins' forthcoming single, "Phantom Limb".

Celebrity Bathwater™ encourages you to put your favorite celebrities in a place where you can ogle them constantly without fear of anyone seeing (except for maybe the person who uses the computer to the left of you at work)

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Celebrity Bathwater™ — Because a picture can’t tell your staring at it

Hollywood’s most boring non-couple-turned-couple Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are going their separate ways after nearly a year of non-relationshipness together.  People magazine reports

… Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have decided to part ways. “After Jennifer’s trip to London several weeks ago, Jennifer and Vince mutually agreed to end their relationship but continue to be good friends today,” [said] reps Stephen Huvane and John Pisani.

I was somewhere on I-40 between the Bucksnort Trout Ranch and Chattanooga when I heard the news about Vaughniston and had to pull the car over.  It was like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest.  I could barely catch my breath — I felt all light-headed and dizzy — not Vaughniston!  And then I realized it was the Jager and the mescaline I was feeling and that I wasn’t even driving a car at all.  I was actually at Cedars of Lebanon park, on a see-saw, covered in vomit.  And anyway, I hate Jennifer Aniston.