Celebrity Bathwater

Celebrity Bathwaterâ„¢ encourages you to put your favorite celebrities in a place where you can ogle them constantly without fear of anyone seeing (except for maybe the person who uses the computer to the left of you at work)

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Celebrity Bathwaterâ„¢ — Being an enabler to your staring problem

Celebrity Bathwaterâ„¢ encourages you to put your favorite celebrities in a place where you can ogle them constantly without fear of anyone seeing (except for maybe the person who uses the computer to the left of you at work)

1024×768

Celebrity Bathwaterâ„¢ — Being an enabler to your staring problem

Julia Roberts is pregnant again, possibly with a “Melvin” or a “Horatio,” or my personal favorite, “Olanrewanju.”  (MollyGood)

Jennifer Hudson gives up on Burger King.  Not eating there, singing there.  You know girlfriend still loves her a Whopper.  (PopBytes)

Victoria Beckham wonky nipples.  (Hollywood Tuna)

Lindsay Lohan makes nice with the “cunts and whores” by getting naked at Scores.  (Egotastic)

Nikki Taylor ties the knot.  (Socialite Life)

Jeff Goldblum could do some serious damage to “baked-on residue” and “hard to remove rust spots” with that hair of his.  (Seriously? OMG)

Megan Fox is the only thing making the new “Transformers” movie watchable.  (Fatback)

Meg Ryan has some sad, sad boobies.  (Starfruit Gossip)

No, really, it takes true talent to make you laugh instead of vomit at the simultaneous neck break/eye gouge/impaling.  “Black Christmas” is pretty much genius.  (Pajiba)

Too bad Christmas is over, because I just found the gift of a lifetime.  A genius on eBay created his very own “Paris Hilton toilet paper” — black and white images of the heiress printed on your regular run-of-the-mill Charmin.  Although the auction ended earlier today, you could always scoop up that “Paris Hilton douche bag and tubing” I saw at the mall last week.  Because nothing says “vagina funk” and “not-so-fresh feeling” quite like Paris Hilton. 

10. I, Jamie Foxx - Do hereby resolve to ratchet up my Unending Attention Whoring Tour even a few more notches by making myself available to perform the refrain from "Golddigger" at store openings, birthday parties, bar mitzvahs and any other event featuring more than four people who will look at me. 9. I, Rush Limbaugh - Do hereby resolve to continue talking out of my ass day in and day out on my radio program for people who lack the capability of even the most basic forms of rational thought. I will make every attempt to use my ignorant, uninformed opinions to appeal to the fragile emotions of the weak and fearful, and take great care to callously belittle and humiliate all those whom I have deemed "evil" or an "enemy" of my flawed ideals, even if they are beloved actors and activists who have suffered more in a single hour than I will in the entirety of my gluttonous, pharmaceutically anesthized waste of a life. 8. I, Clay Aiken - Do hereby resolve to stay in this closet, where it is nice and warm, forever. 7. I, Zach Braff - Do hereby resolve to continue my divine destiny of giving a voice to my generation by symbolizing all of the complex feelings of insecurity, angst and regret that a person younger than 30 years of age might or might not experience. I will do this through a combination of overwrought screenwriting, self-indulgent "artsy" camera angles, and a bunch of songs too mainstream for The OC as my soundtrack (which will then be sold at Target with "hand-picked by Zach Braff" marked on the packaging, in order that the twelve year-old girls who buy it will know that they are in the expert hands of a person who reads SPIN Magazine). Also, in my next movie, I will have my character deem Arcade Fire the lynchpin holding together all constructs of reality, and the very secret of human existence. 6. I, Lindsay Lohan - Do hereby resolve to continue utilizing the mobile communication capabilities of my T-Mobile Sidekick to ensure that every tabloid journalist in the world is up-to-date on every single paranoid delusion I might be experiencing on a given late-night coke binge. I will string together sprawling missives of incoherent ranting, puzzling references and knee-slappingly hilarious naivete, and have absolutely no fears about sending these incriminating messages to the very sleaziest of celebrity publicists. I will be adequite in the way of the future-Howard Hughes. 5. I, Kevin Federline - Do hereby resolve to successfully maintain a Fresno-representin' career based entirely on absurd rapping dreams, energy drink endorsement appearances, and being fake bodyslammed on Monday Night Wrestling. If I work hard and stay focused, one day I will be able to retire to Daytona Beach Florida, where Vanilla Ice and I will party with B-list Hooters girls every day until we die. 4. I, Madonna - Do hereby resolve to sink to the deepest of depths in order to regain the attention and relevence I enjoyed in the 80's. Since the self-crucifixion and poor-people adoption thing hasn't seemed to work, I will attempt the following in 2007: spray-painting the word "c*nt" onto the Mona Lisa in orange neon, having threeway sex with the Pope and that gay guy from the "Justify My Love" video, and rubbing poop all over my face at the Oscars. 3. I, Jared Leto - Do hereby resolve to launch a shock and awe campaign of Douche the likes of which the world has never known. Aside from getting into idiotic fights with bloggers and Elijah Wood, and pretending to be "dark and edgy" despite my predilection for dating bimbo fame-whores like Lindsay Lohan and Tila Tequlia, I will make pretentious statements whenever there's a microphone in front of me, continue mistaking my sh*tty mall-punk for art, and just act like an all-around jerk-off everywhere, all of the time. Maybe I'll even have a child with Avril Lavigne. 2. I, Donald Trump - Do hereby resolve to punch Rosie O'Donnell in that fat, poor, gay, loud, stupid, poor, fat face of hers. 1. I, Britney Spears - Do hereby resolve to keep up the good work.

Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson was arrested this morning in Arizona for cocaine posession and driving under the influence. TMZ reports:

… Tyson told [the arresting officer that] he had been using illegal substances in the past few days. Cops say they stopped Iron Mike after he ran a stop sign and almost almost crashed into a sheriff’s vehicle around 1:45 AM. Police say Tyson was cooperative and acted like a gentleman.

By “acted like a gentleman,” I guess the cops meant “didn’t force his penis into anyone’s vagina or bite off somebody’s ear.” A regular cavalier, that Mike Tyson. He should really carry around a perfumed hanky and start wearing a boutonniere on his lapel. Maybe a top hat and guilded cane, too. And they say chivalry is dead. I guess they just haven’t met Mike Tyson.

Celebrity Bathwaterâ„¢ encourages you to put your favorite celebrities in a place where you can ogle them constantly without fear of anyone seeing (except for maybe the person who uses the computer to the left of you at work)

1024×768

Celebrity Bathwaterâ„¢ — Being an enabler to your staring problem