Celebrity Bathwater

• REALITY SHOW: With all the countless reality shows about the inane adventures of J-list pseduo-celebs, could we please get a camera on Anna Nicole? (E! Online)
• BACHELOR PARTY: Now that his divorce from Denise Richards is official, Chuck Sheen will continue banging lots of the same whores he did when he was married. (TMZ)
• COOKIE MONSTER: 50 Cent called Oprah an Oreo, then went to go dip himself into some milk. (Page Six)
• GOOD NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO HATE LAUGHING: Having achieved total domination of unfunniness on television, SNL is turning their hilarity-lacking sights towards the realm of the Internets. (TV Squad)
• FEEL GOOD MOVIE: A documentary about man-horse sex was selected for competition in the Sundance Film Festival, and added to my own list of this year's "must-see" movies. (Seattle Times)

"As far as music is concerned, I feel like I've given it my best. When I see how desperate people are for that chance, I realize I've had my turn and now I have to let it go." And just like that a true visionary says goodbye to the world of music. Geri Halliwell-- the one-time Ginger Spice and the all-time greatest-- announced she is retiring from the industry. Take a moment to collect yourself. What does this mean, you're probably asking yourself. Well, for starters, it means the Spice Girls will not be reuniting. It means there will be no Spice World 2. It means your children's children's children will never experience the joy of seeing The Single Greatest Band To Come Out Of England Ever Ever (tm) live in concert. And it means that Geri Halliwell will probably have her Wikipedia page deleted in 3 or 4 years after being deemed "un-noteable." So take a moment to tip your drink and pour some out for Geri Halliwell and the Spice Girls. Because today's the day... that two... become none. Ziggy zig-ah indeed.

1. This inevitable blockbuster combines America's deep-seeded love for penguins with its burning passion for movies about CGI-animated animals who sound like celebrities, resulting in an unholy alchemy of powerful forces colliding together to create a movie so magnetic that every man, woman, and child in this country has no choice but to see it - $42.3 million 2. "The name's Bond. James Bond." "Uh, yeah, that's cool - but if you're not a computer-generated penguin named Flippy who sounds like Gilbert Gottfried and slips around hilariously on ice a lot, we don't really give a sh*t" - $40.6 million 3. On the food chain of outraged people trying to sue Borat, we're down to...racist rodeo clowns and Mothers Against Not Using Penguins In Movies - $14.3 million 4. F*ck Santa Claus, you know who else lives in the North Pole? Penguins - $8.2 million 5. For the sequel, the producers are already conducting extensive research to determine whether or not penguins could realistically exist in underground sewer cities - $6.8 million

By now you've all undoubtedly heard plenty about the big Orange Juice Simspson hypothetical confession coming up on FOX - but what you might not have heard about is the business behind turning this unnecessary and disrespectful bit of sensationalism into must-see-TV. First, one must ask themselves, why would OJ ostensibly come right out and admit to committing a brutal and unforgivable murder? The answer, obviously, is money. You see, a leisurely lifestyle that consists mostly of golfing and partying does not come cheap, and having already failed at the obligatory Celebrity Sex Tape method of shady cash-making, OJ and his team of morally upstanding business associates are turning to the old Salacioius Tell-All Auto-biography scheme. As reprehensible as this may be, why even bother directing your outrage at The Juice? He doesn't give a sh*t - this is a guy who MURDERED two people. So who IS to blame for this blight upon human decency? Well, understanding the essential marketability of the media phenomenon that resulted from OJ's crime (who could forget the "Trial of the Century" that dominated our televisions and newspapers for what seemed like most of the 90's?), book publisher Judith Regan - of Regan Books, which you should now be boycotting - knows that she can make more than a little blood money by publishing Orenthal's post-accountability (he can't be re-tried, see) murder confession. What Regan did is so scummy that she's had to make a confession of her own, pathetically trying rationalize the motivations of her actions with transparently absurd lies such as, "I thought the money would go to his children". As she represents everything that is wrong in the world, and makes money from publishing it, this grave-robbing vulture can write a book about being today's Daily Douche.

Top Chef. It's sort of like Project Runway, but for heterosexuals. Well, bi-sexuals at least. The point is this "meat & potatoes" culinary competition show is every bit as entertaining and addictive as its fabulously flamboyant, stylishly sequined Bravo counterpart. Yet for whatever reason, I never seem to hear anyone talking about it, which makes me worry that people are missing some of the best TV available right now, which is why I've compiled this list of 5 reasons you should be watching Top Chef: 1. The Show Is Like Porn For Your Stomach - Who cares who can design the best Futuristic Pant Suit, no real person would ever wear that sh*t. But I guarantee you that I would murder Cliff's Fish Sticks and Mac & Cheese faster than you can say "tartar sauce". 2. Tom Colicchio Is the Most Loveable Asshole I've Ever Seen - No matter how funny his voice might be, Tim Gunn is a pansy. But like a white, balding Rick James, NY restauranteur and celebrity chef Tom Colicchio has such an arrogant "I don't give a sh*t about you" kind of attitude that you can't help but love him. Watching my man T. Clicks relentlessly belittle the blundering chef wannabes with his passive-aggressive nature and his smug little smile is truly one of television's great pleasures. Also, he's an even crankier blogger than I am. 3. Padma Lakshmi Is One Hot Masala - After last season, the producers made the wise decision to replace original eye-candy host Billy Joel's Wife (aka "Dead Eyes") with Salman Rushdie's Wife, a host who manages to be as intelligent as she is stunning. I never agreed with the Muslims' fatwa on Salman until I saw his wife...naked (NSFW, sorta). 4. Michael the Frat Dude Is Amazing - Now I don't watch a lot of reality television because I don't find the idea of dumb people desperately competing for attention to be particularly appealing, but dammit if I don't love Michael the Frat Dude. This completely out-of-his-league Sacramento suburbanite - with his startling lack of self-awareness, adorable threats to fight Colicchio, and incessant use of the words "Dude" and "Bro" - is a bonafide Champion of Reality TV Programming, and stuns me week after week with his inexplicable ability to not get voted off the show. 5. The Absurd Cooking Challenges - Whether it's cooking for surprisingly picky firemen, Stifler's Mom's dinner party, or a bunch of teenage girls at a fat camp (seriously), the show's producers manage to continually outdo themselves with their ridiculous scenarios in which the contestants must compete. I'm still waiting for the "Pizza and Ice Cream for the anorexic models backstage at Project Runway" challenge.

• People Magazine names George Clooney the Sexiest Man Alive. All of America wakes up assuming they've secretly time-travelled back to 5 years ago when Clooney mattered, while Patrick Dempsey is put on a suicide watch.
• What better book to read on the toilet than a book featuring women making toilet?
• Michelle Rodriguez is outed as a lesbian. But don't mention it to her or she'll beat the living sh*t outta you.
• And in totally, completely, definitely unrelated news, Eva Longoria will not be playing a lesbian in Sofia Coppola's Tipping the Velvet.
• Because we realize this is turning out to be the most depressing day for straight men everywhere, we'll throw you a bone(r): Check out this video of Queen Elizabeth walking the red carpet at the Casino Royale premiere! HAWT. xoxo Teasa Gibbons.