Celebrity Bathwater

See your favorite superstars of years past sell their images out to sell you beer, liquor and cigarettes.

Who is the shill?
orson welles

What are they hawking?
whiskey

Celebrity Bathwater™ — Because vice is the new virtue!

LATE NIGHT GIMMICK: Don't forget to catch Conan tonight -- it's in Skelevision! Take a shot of gin every time a Nicole Richie joke is made. (Jam! Showbiz [1]) HOT COUPLE: Ivanka Trump and Topher Grace spotted canoodling at her birthday party. Now, if they get married, what are the odds he'll change his name to Topher Trump? Cause we really like the sound of that. (The Superficial [2]) HALLOWEEN COSTUME: This year, Kate Bosworth dresses up in the classic "Someone Who Goes Supermarket Shopping" outfit. (A Socialite's Life [3]) PLINKOH-NO!: Bob Barker is leaving The Price Is Right!!! Hopefully, Pat O'Brien is up to the molesty challenge. (TMZ.com [4]) PREFERENCE: Paris Hilton prefers eating over sex. Things she prefers above eating: Shopping, Lying and Lying. (PR Inside [5]) [1] http://jam.canoe.ca/Television/TV_Shows/L/Late_Night_with_Conan_OBrien/2006/10/31/2185791.html [2] http://thesuperficial.com/2006/10/ivanka_trump_and_topher_grace.html [3] http://socialitelife.com/2006/10/31/kate_bosworth_avoids_interview.php [4] http://www.tmz.com/2006/10/31/bob-barker-the-price-is-no-longer-right/ [5] http://www.pr-inside.com/hilton-prefers-eating-over-sex-r24086.htm

Here are some of today's most memorable pictures. Click the orange "left and right" arrows to flip through them all.

I used to think Topher Grace was pretty cool, perhaps the only member of the cast of That 70's Show who might somehow be able to escape the on-set vortex of suck that resulted in the modern manifestations of Ashton Kutcher and Wilmer Valerrama (who's already a card-carrying member of The Daily D elite). After all, Topher was pretty good in his small parts in Traffic and Ocean's 11, and not altogether annoying as the star of In Good Company. He seemed affable, charming - maybe even a little witty. But then I read something like this [1], discovering that my boy T is actually dating purebred fame-whore Ivanka Trump, seen out "canoodling" together at some idiot-magnet nightclub called "Pure" for her 25th birthday while, perhaps worst of all, voluntarily hanging out with the aforementioned Wilmer Douche-o-rama, probably while f*cking K-Fed gave a live solo acoustic performance just for the three of them. I therefore have no alternative but to rule in favor of the D, and award Topher Grace the dishonor of being today's Daily Douche. [1] http://www.nypost.com/seven/10312006/gossip/pagesix/birthday_girl_pagesix_.htm

In front of me I have a brand new, recently purchased, bright and shiny copy of Kevin Federline's debut rap album Playing With Fire. The disc is 49:32 long, contains 13 listed tracks plus a bonus track titled "Middle Finger", and it was all mine for the low low price of $13.99 at the local Virgin Megastore. Those are all facts and they cannot be argued. This morning when I woke up I decided I was going to do something daring. I decided I was going to listen to Playing With Fire from beginning to end, no breaks, and keep a running diary throughout the entire thing. Co-workers called this decision "brave", "terrifying", and "absoutely f**king retarded." I agree with them all. But I'm going to do it because somebody has to. And I'm going to do it with an open mind, too, because honestly; it can't be that bad, can it? Can it? There's only one way to find out. Wish me luck. 4:00:12 - "Grandpa, grandpa, can you tell me a story about what it was like when you were young?" That's how it all begins, hinting that this album (or at least this song) actually comes FROM THE FUTURE! Deep! I'm crossing my fingers that music from the future doesn't completely suck. 4:02:30 - So far in the first 2:30 I've learned a lot. I've learned that Kevin doesn't give a f**k what we all think, the media tends to enjoy f**king with him and he has a f**king black gat in his backpack. Or a black cat. Either way, he's dangerous. I think. 4:02:47 - K-Fed announces that Young Jeezy told him the world was his. So if this album turns out to be as bad as everybody says it is, I'm blaming it on Mr. Jeezy. He's on notice. 4:05:31 - We're into the third track now and K-fed just compared himself to a tsunami. Five minutes into the CD, I've enjoyed both equally. 4:06:12 - You know, I'm kind of liking the piano on this track. Honestly, I've heard worse. If the Beastie Boys released this track it'd be better than most of To The 5 Boroughs. Actually, that's not saying much. 4:07:19 - We're up to the fourth track, "Snap." In case you haven't been paying attention, He hates haters like the paparazzi. This one kind of sounds like Pharrell. 4:08:30 - Ok, this doesn't just sound like a Neptunes track, it actually IS "Drop It Like It's Hot." I love that song, so by default I can tolerate this one. Believe it or not, we're 4 tracks in and I still don't want to kill myself (people have been placing bets on when that's going to happen; the over/under is track 8.) 4:10:03 - K-Fed is hotter than a pizza oven. I just thought you should know. 4:11:10 - Oh s**t! Time for the first single! Lose Control! You know how sometimes when you get a new album you can't resist the urge to skip over the tracks you don't know so you can listen to the single. Yeah, that didn't happen. 4:12:03 - Uh oh. I just had my first "I'm not enjoying this at all" moment. It was a flash, but it was real. "Lose Control" may be the song that makes me... lose control. Man, that K-Fed is prophetic. 4:13:10 - K-Fed announced that he's "not here to brag." But then he proceeded to say he's worth more than my 'budget' and rides around in Ferraris. Somebody might have to explain to him what "bragging" is. 4:14:55 - Alright, track 6, "Dance With a Pimp." Based on the title, this is the track I was most looking forward to. 4:15:30 - "Dudes hate K-Fed. Girls love K-Fed. It don't matter to me because K-fed stay fed!" WOW! Hold the phone! Stop the presses! K-Fed just blew my F**KING MIND. 4:16:30 - My mind is still reeling from the "K-Fed/Stay fed" line. Kids, I'm begging you- if you're in high school make this your senior quote. Seriously. I know you think your senior quote is supposed to be this big deep thing that defines your high school career, but it's not. If you use this K-Fed line I guarantee you that 10 years from now everybody will remember you as the hilarious kid that ironically quoted K-Fed in the yearbook. I promise you. So please do it... make the K-Fed/Stay fed line your senior quote. For me. 4:17:38 - Alright, the thrill is over. His rapping is beginning to wear on me a little. Although I did learn that if Kevin is ever missing, Britney can either find him in VIP holding a blunt or where there's "jumpin" at. So that's good to know. 4:18:52 - It's time for "Priveldge" featuring Bosko. The whole black guy/ white rapper "chocolate milk" joke is going to have to wait because I'm a little upset right now. I immediately recognized this song because it's the one that he peformed on the Megan Mullally show this morning. i hate myself for knowing that, and I kind of hate my life right now. 4:19:41 - I just had that moment you get when you're on the treadmill and you look down and realize you still have a half hour to go. This isn't going to be easy. 4:20:05 - I just caught myself singing along. You know, if 50 was singing this song and if the beats hit a little harder and if the lyrics weren't so stupid and if they didn't have that annoying little guitar lick repeating over and over again in the background, i bet it'd be a huge hit. If. 4:22:45 - It's time for "Crazy" featuring Britney Spears. "And they say I'm crazy for loving you for feeling you. And maybe I'm a little crazy but they don't know all the things you do." Am I the only one who doesn't want to know? 4:24:31 - I'm pretty sure he just compared himself to Tupac. I'm going to pretend that didn't happen. 4:26:10 - Track 9: "A League Of My Own. Turns out this isn't about the movie starring Geena Davis and Rosie O'Donnell. I think it's about how much money he has and how girls love him and how we shouldn't judge him. You know, for a change. 4:27:45 - Alright, it's happening. The initial amusement has worn off and I'm ready to agree with everybody else on the planet: This is bad. I'm shifting around in my chair and starting to get really tired. 4:29:00 - K-Fed just helped me understand why I'm not enjoying this by declaring that he's on another level that we'll never reach. Whew. For a minute I thought it was me. 4:30:52 - Ok, the title track is killing me. There are too many annoying things going on right now. I think there's a lute, a synthesizer, drums, and Kevin's rapping about pancakes again (note: I can't believe I've gone a half hour without mentioning this- the man loves rapping about pancakes. Seriously. I hope it's not a metaphor.) 4:32:48 - K-Fed is "coming out like Janet's titty at the Superbowl." Sadly, not like Lance Bass. 4:34:10 - I can't do this anymore... i need a break.. oh, Thank God, it's time for an interlude. That means 56 seconds of no rapping. Thank you lord. I don't even care what they're babbling about right now, it's a welcome break. 4:35:23 - And he's back. S**t. 4:39:00 - Okay, we're almost there. Last track... then the bonus track. 4:39:50 - K-Fed makes another pancake mention. He must really be banking on an IHOP endorsement or something. If he says "pancakes" one more time I'm only eating eggs from now on. 4:40:10 - Okay, he just made me laugh out loud. As I was writing that last update he yelled "Pancakes Pancakes!" like an excited autistic boy. He just made me love pancakes again. That was a close call. 4:42:04 - Still yelling about pancakes. It's almost endearing. 4:42:56 - Okay... it's over. All that's left to conquer is the bonus track. I have a couple of minutes now to relax before it starts. i'm gonna check out the linear notes. For the record, this CD is so fly there are 2 booklets, not 1, and 14 pictures of K-Fed. Including a pull out. Wow. 4:44:24 - In the linear notes he thanks "the haters. Without you this wouldn't have been possible." So that means that, in a way, this has all been my fault. By hating Kevin Federline, I've been responsible for his subsequent success. So all the pain that listening to this album has caused me could've been avoided by loving him. This would make a great John Hughes movie. 4:45:48 - I'm dreading this next track like a conversation with an ex-girlfriend who "really needs to talk about something." 4:46:38 - It still hasn't started. Maybe it's a joke... maybe there is no.. 4:46:44 - S**t. 4:47:22 - Ah, "Middle Finger." I'm glad he's using this bonus track to address issues he didn't during 13 tracks on the CD. You know, issues like how much money he has, how much people love him, how he hates the media. It's about time he shared his thoughts on that. 4:48:30 - I wish he would've ended with the Pancake! Pancake! song. 4:49:36 - And I did it. It's over. I listened to K-Fed's Playing With Fire in it's entirety. I'd like to wrap everything up with a fun little antecdote, or a cute "what I learned", but honestly I don't think I can. I'm a beaten man. I've been through a war. I'm tired, I'm bruised, I'm hungry and I'm alone. And I can really go for some f**king pancakes.

We caught a performance form the band Young Love [1] last night, and were impressed that lead singer Dan Keyes was able to sound so Cher-like without the aid of electronic equipment and/or a feeathered-headress. In any case, they're catchy like the herps. Enjoy two of the songs off their upcoming album right now: Find a New Way [2] and Discotech [3]. And now! Four Halloween Playlists, sure to keep your party alive until people fall into insulin-induced comas. First up, Zeon's Music Blog [4] puts together a Halloween mix with enough trendy songs and ironic 90's rock (i.e. Cranberries) to put a smile on even the deadest of ironic slutty prosties. The main reason we're including Instrumental Analysis [5]' catchily morbid list? We were DJ Jazzy Jeff for Halloween last year. Red Blondehead [6] rounds up a handful of the greatest songs with the word "monster"/"witch" in the title. The results are terrifyingly harmonious. And the appropriately titled Heart on a Stick [7] blog compiles 10 morbidly themed songs you've almost certainly never heard of before, unless of course you're a fan of the band Cult of a Psychic Fetus, in which case we really underestimated you. [1] http://www.myspace.com/younglove [2] http://www.bestweekever.tvYoungLove-FindANewWay.mp3 [3] http://www.bestweekever.tv/bwe/images/2006/10/YoungLove-Discotech.mp3 [4] http://zeonmusic.blogspot.com/2006/10/zeons-halloween-mix.html [5] http://instrumentalanalysis.blogspot.com/2006/10/happy-halloween.html [6] http://tracemyface.blogspot.com/2006/10/happy-halloween-from-gruesome-twosome.html [7] http://heartonastick.blog-city.com/hey_boo.htm

Caption This! brought to you by Stranger Than Fiction [1], in theaters November 10th. This is pretty much the greatest pumpkin we've ever seen. Well other than The Great Pumpkin [2], of course. Leave your thoughts and captions in the comments. (via CC Insider [3]) [1] http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/strangerthanfiction/ [2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Great_Pumpkin [3] http://ccinsider.comedycentral.com/cc_insider/2006/10/the_truth_is_sc.html