Celebrity Bathwater

8:51 - First Jack Black chokes, and now Sarah Silverman does a sketch about Lance Bass‘ month-old confession of penis-love that ends up being about as funny as tortured kittens? Dane Cook must be lurking around back stage, rubbing his unfunniness onto the few talented performers MTV has suckered into this place. It’s the only explanation.

8:45 - Why the f*ck could Kelly Clarkson “not make it tonight” to accept her award? Since when is she that big/busy of a star? 50 Cent said he’d “hold on to it for her”, so I’d hate to know what she’s gonna have to do to get it back.

8:35 - The jackasses from Jackass 2, several of whom are inexplicably nude, perform an ill-conceived stunt in which one of them gets shocked and the others laugh, along with two stoned community college students tuning in from Pueblo, Colorado.

8:32 - Shakira is performing, and somewhere nearby NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg is unable to contain his agonized moans of longing.

8:18 - Having procured my six-pack of Sparks and some Tandoori chicken, I am now safely within the confines of Vh1 studios (yeah, we didn’t get invited to our own awards show), prepared to provide for you my up-to-the-minute thoughts on the 2006 Most Important Night In History. Sorry I’m late, so, what’d we miss? Jack Black somehow managed to not be funny. The Raconteurs and Lou Reed played the world’s shortest version of “White Light, White Heat”, someone let Lil’ Kim out of prison, and James Blunt just won an award. It’s gonna be an awesome night.

See your favorite superstars of years past sell their images out to sell you beer, liquor and cigarettes.

Who is the shill?
basil rathbone

What are they hawking?
cigars

Celebrity Bathwaterâ„¢ — Because vice is the new virtue!

• TONGUE: Rosario Dawson’s. I think it may be larger than the pair of underwear she’s about to lick. (Celebutaint)
• EXCITING HEADLINE: Optimus Prime Finally Revealed. Who doesn’t get pumped up reading that? (Popoholic)
• TIMEWASTER: This will a) keep you busy for a while and b) make you think you’re artistically inclined. Don’t let it fool you. (JacksonPollock.org)
• IRONIC ‘YOU’RE FIRED’: Carolyn, Donald Trump’s assistant who helps him decide who to fire on The Apprentice got the ax. That must’ve been awkward. (A Socialite’s Life)
• PHOTOSHOP ENTRY: We had a ton of great ones, but this one (right) takes the poofy-coated cake. Congrats Tricia!

…Because talentless pop stars will once again be making a spectacle of themselves in exchange for your continued interest in them on the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards! Even though MTV doesn’t play music videos anymore, if there’s one thing famous people need more of, it’s self-congratulatory award programs! That’s right, kiddies - tune into MTV tonight at watch all the inanity live at 8pm. A few more of our rejected VMA ads can be found after the jump!

Alyssa Milano wants you to touch her. [The Bastardly]

Johan Travolta is ready to land in his pal’s butt. [Spank Cheeks]

Katie Holmes is plotting to leave Tom Cruise. [Celebitchy]

Aretha Franklin is not the hottie she used to be. [I’m Not Obsessed]

Now you can stop stealing designer handbags. [BagBorrowOrSteal]

Fine, we don’t know for sure that this will happen. Then again, when we caught wind of two new shows the divinely-entertaining/rent-paying VH1 plans on airing next Spring, it almost seems inevitable. Both Andrew Dice Clay and Tom Sizemore will be starring in their own Bonaduce-like reality shows, and strangely enough, both ideas make us want to 1. Set our Tivo’s to season pass these mf’s; and 2. Become secret cutters. Cameras will follow Clay around to various comedy clubs as he tries to regain some of the status and edge that made him a cult figure in the 1980’s, as well as footage from his rocky homelife. Leather jacket and Dep styling gel enthusiasts have never been more jazzed.

Sizemore’s show, however, won’t be all cotton candy and unicorns. The show will follow the troubled-but-now-sober actor to acting auditions and shooting locales, but will also “include flashbacks to his battles with drug and sexual addiction via tape he shot on his own.” Fourteen words: This is going to be hands down the best/most depressing show on television. And we’re not just saying that because the network puts food on the table (she says while taking a caviar bath.) And knowing Sizemore’s notoriously violent temper, odds are 3 to 5 that Tom strangles an incompetent intern within the first 4 weeks.

When the sad little emo rockers of Panic! At the Disco sauntered onto the stage at the Reading Festival in the UK, they probably thought they were pretty punk rock. However, they probably stopped thinking that somewhere around the time a large toothless soccer hooligan who resembles Vinnie Jones shouted, “Oy! What kind of tweedybird shite is this bollocks!?!” before throwing a half-full bottle of Boddington’s Ale at the lead singer’s face. Now THAT’S punk rock.

(via Rock & Roll Daily)