Celebrity Bathwater

8:51 - First Jack Black chokes, and now Sarah Silverman does a sketch about Lance Bass‘ month-old confession of penis-love that ends up being about as funny as tortured kittens? Dane Cook must be lurking around back stage, rubbing his unfunniness onto the few talented performers MTV has suckered into this place. It’s the only explanation.

8:45 - Why the f*ck could Kelly Clarkson “not make it tonight” to accept her award? Since when is she that big/busy of a star? 50 Cent said he’d “hold on to it for her”, so I’d hate to know what she’s gonna have to do to get it back.

8:35 - The jackasses from Jackass 2, several of whom are inexplicably nude, perform an ill-conceived stunt in which one of them gets shocked and the others laugh, along with two stoned community college students tuning in from Pueblo, Colorado.

8:32 - Shakira is performing, and somewhere nearby NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg is unable to contain his agonized moans of longing.

8:18 - Having procured my six-pack of Sparks and some Tandoori chicken, I am now safely within the confines of Vh1 studios (yeah, we didn’t get invited to our own awards show), prepared to provide for you my up-to-the-minute thoughts on the 2006 Most Important Night In History. Sorry I’m late, so, what’d we miss? Jack Black somehow managed to not be funny. The Raconteurs and Lou Reed played the world’s shortest version of “White Light, White Heat”, someone let Lil’ Kim out of prison, and James Blunt just won an award. It’s gonna be an awesome night.

• TONGUE: Rosario Dawson’s. I think it may be larger than the pair of underwear she’s about to lick. (Celebutaint)
• EXCITING HEADLINE: Optimus Prime Finally Revealed. Who doesn’t get pumped up reading that? (Popoholic)
• TIMEWASTER: This will a) keep you busy for a while and b) make you think you’re artistically inclined. Don’t let it fool you. (JacksonPollock.org)
• IRONIC ‘YOU’RE FIRED’: Carolyn, Donald Trump’s assistant who helps him decide who to fire on The Apprentice got the ax. That must’ve been awkward. (A Socialite’s Life)
• PHOTOSHOP ENTRY: We had a ton of great ones, but this one (right) takes the poofy-coated cake. Congrats Tricia!

…Because talentless pop stars will once again be making a spectacle of themselves in exchange for your continued interest in them on the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards! Even though MTV doesn’t play music videos anymore, if there’s one thing famous people need more of, it’s self-congratulatory award programs! That’s right, kiddies - tune into MTV tonight at watch all the inanity live at 8pm. A few more of our rejected VMA ads can be found after the jump!

Alyssa Milano wants you to touch her. [The Bastardly]

Johan Travolta is ready to land in his pal’s butt. [Spank Cheeks]

Katie Holmes is plotting to leave Tom Cruise. [Celebitchy]

Aretha Franklin is not the hottie she used to be. [I’m Not Obsessed]

Now you can stop stealing designer handbags. [BagBorrowOrSteal]

Inexplicably ignoring their own rules prohibiting pornography, YouTube has allowed Paris Hilton to post the following video clip (Internet videos are her best medium), in which which she tries rather desperately to string together enough complete sentences to form a semi-coherent “buy my album” plea to all the teenage girls who tape themselves doing booty-dances to Chingy songs they later post on the video site. Behold the power of the internet, harnessed and manifest in the form of a poorly filmed plug from a spoiled pseudo-celeb shamelessly trying to pimp her joke of a music career! Of course, we’re only helping her…

It’s a known fact that Jennifer Love Hewitt’s once fabulous boobies are now nearly hitting the ground and they will probably never come out of retirement. So the quest for the new best rack in Hollywood has officially begun. Let me introduce you to “Entourage” star Emmanuelle Chriqui and her amazing rack, which showed up at the “Step Up” movie premiere. She’s a serious contender for the title, don’t you think?

More pics after the jump.