Celebrity Bathwater

In our endless quest to discover new and exciting ways to make your life more fun, we’ve come up with a saucy new spin on our beloved Shuffling Towards the Weekend feature. See, there’s only one thing we love more than shuffling our iPods and sharing the resulting 5 five songs, and that thing is booze. So in a moment of inspired drunken genius, we’ve developed a fun way to combine our two great loves into one awesome drinking game. Best part is you can play with friends or (if you’re like us and tend to do most of your drinking alone while surfing the Internet) all by yourselves! See how the game works after the jump, then knock yourselves out with it (maybe literally). But don’t forget to post your first five resulting songs in the comments section so people without iPods can play along too!

Further instructions for how to play can be found below, but basically you just take a drink whenever your shuffle results in a song that matches any of the following criteria:

• Any song you have never actually listened to prior this moment.
• Any song by a band you used to like, but now think is lame (drink twice if you just tell people you think the band is lame, but secretly still like them. Drink three times if it’s The Strokes).
• Any song whose title features the word “Love”, or any of its variations (drink twice if you hate that song).
• Any song you downloaded from a music blog (drink twice if it was Stereogum).
• Any song that’s supposed to be “ironic” (drink twice if it is Alanis Morissette’s song “Ironic”, and stop being so f*cking literal).
• Any song your parents have probably heard before (drink twice if they liked it).
• Any song from an album that you own in its entirety, but didn’t pay for (whether it was downloaded illegally or received free of charge).
• Any song that is the only one on your iPod by the band that performed it (drink twice if that band is Gnarles Barkley).
• Any song by a “jam band” (drink twice if the song is longer than 6 minues long, and take a shower you filthy hippie).
• Any song by a band whose name starts with “The” and ends in a plural noun (ie. The White Stripes, The Vines, The Shins, The Beatles, etc.)
• Any great song by a bad band, or any bad song by a great band.
• Any song you’ve ever put on a mixtape (drink twice if it is by Coldplay).
• Any song performed by anyone who’s ever been on TRL (drink twice if…wait a minute, you’re not old enough to be drinking!)
• Any hip-hop song performed by a white person (drink twice if it’s one of those stupid “acoustic covers” where some sensitive rock dude like Ben Folds is trying to be ironically funny).
• Any song you’ve paid more than $20 to hear performed live (drink twice if you were disappointed by the result).
• Any song released between the years 1980 and 1989 (drink twice if it happens to be Patrick Swayze’s “She’s Like the Wind” - and feel good about the fact that you’re just chillaxin’ with some brews and listening to an awesome tune).

SINGLE-PLAYER VERSION

For this bare-bones method of playing the game, all you need is booze, an iPod, access to this post and the ability to rationalize the fact that you’ll be drinking alone, on the Internet. Simply shuffle your songs over and over, taking a drink whenever the results match any of the above criteria. Hell, you don’t even need an iPod - simply apply the same rules to the songs readers have posted in the comments section of this post, then take a drink for every one that applies.

MULTI-PLAYER VERSION

Same as above, except everyone takes turns and you’re not drinking alone - yay!

LIGHTNING ROUND VERSION

If you have one or more friends hanging around and lots of drinking to do, you can also play a series of rotating one-on-one “lightning rounds”. The two combatants will simultaneously shuffle their iPods, then have their third friend act as a judge, determining which person has the superior song. The loser drinks, then the process is repeated over and over again until you’ve reached a point of violent intoxication that might endanger the judge, should his musical tastes continue to differ from your own. VERY IMPORTANT: We realize that there is a certain amount of subjectivity involved with one person determining which songs are superior to others, but that’s part of the fun. The judge is always right, no matter how much you think he or she is a moron. If you have enough people, try putting together a more diverse panel of judges to vote on each song - but if it’s just the three of you, remember it might not be the best idea to entrust judgement powers to that friend who’s really into Dave Matthews.

WARNING: Never, ever attempt operating a vehicle or communicating with anyone you used to date after playing the lightning round version of the game.

How could anybody not love Star Jones? She’s so beautiful and sweet and she’s such a victim. The poor woman has been through so much… how could you not feel bad for her? Especially with the way she’s been treated by the people over at the View. I mean, the nerve. Watch this clip from the Today show and feel bad for her, people. Feel very, very bad for her.

Poor woman. Poor, poor woman.

Dreamworks Pictures has launched the new “Transformers” teaser trailer. [Transformers Movie]

Winona Ryder and her boobs are back. [Popbytes]

I can’t get enough of watching Jessica Biel workout. [The Bastardly]

Courtney Cox’s kid pulls off her bikini top. You gotta love that kid. [Egotastic!]

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban enjoy their honeymoon in Bora Bora. [Bricks and Stones]

You don’t want to work today, do you? Of course not- it’s Friday! Here, let me help. DWMowery dropped this list of the Top 10 Worst Celebrity Music Video Crossovers, complete with YouTube videos for each of them. So forget about being productive- watch William Shatner, Don Johnson, Eddie Murphy & Patrick Swayze and a other big stars embarrass themselves. Come on. You deserve it. Here, start it with this one:

Got something of your own you want to share with us? Drop it now!

Look, all the fireworks and rock music this weekend are probably going to take a toll on your hearing, so why not try a little pre-emptive warm up exercise so that your poor ears can build up a bit of a tolerance to all the pain and suffering you’re going to inflict on them this weekend? Might I suggest turning up your volume and listening to “Turn It Up”, the latest leaked track from Paris Hilton’s forthcoming contribution to the pantheon of ill-conceived musical endeavors. Interestingly enough, if you put on headphones and listen to the song while watching the first three minutes of You Got Served, you will actually see God, and he will regretfully inform you that he is dead and life is meaningless. But hey, at least now you can finally stop listening to “Stars Are Blind” over and over.

What would we ever do without our good friend The Thighmaster? Well, for one, we’d never know that Michael Oliver, better known to you as the title character in Problem Child, is now working as a roadie for the band The Samples. If only John Ritter were here to see what a tattooed, long-haired, still problematic man his little guy has become.