A 76-year-old man claiming to be a doctor went door to door in Miami offering to give women free breast exams. At least two women accepted the offer, both in their 30s. One of the women reportedly called the police when the old man started conducting an ungloved “genital exam” on her after feeling her boobs.

First of all, nobody likes a door to door salesman. I’ve been known to yell at those door to door Methodist kids who show up every other Saturday morning to ask me if I’m sure I’m going to heaven, so if an old man came by asking to feel me up, he’d get a swift kick to the crotch, followed by a spray of mace in the eyes, followed by two more kicks to the crotch, followed by a call to the police. I’m not sure if I believe this story, because anyone who lets a random old guy feel them up is probably too stupid to call the police herself. The story looks reputable, so I’ll assume that she was mentally handicapped and her helper monkey actually phoned the police while the exchange was taking place.

smackmaster “wyamrd”

In the midst of this the whole Duke-stripper-rape allegations, Duke University’s lacrosse team has been suspended for the season, and it’s uncertain whether it will continue next season. This is shocking news, as I thought they were talking about basketball this whole time.

It seemed like pretty big news to me that a university’s entire basketball season would be suspended, but the even bigger story here is that, not only do people play lacrosse in the 21st century, but that there are people who actually care. I suggest that Duke University cancel the lacrosse program and use the extra money on some educational videos to teach spoiled, rich white boys that raping people is bad.

smackmaster “wyamrd”

LADY PUNCH: I don't know what this woman said, but lord knows she's regretting it now. (Google Video)

PROOF BLONDS WHO TURN A VOWELS HAVE MORE FUN: Vanna White gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. That's Vanna 1, Pat 0.(Celebrity Terrorist)

GIRL GONE WILD: Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model May Anderson was arrested today for being disruptive and hitting a flight attendant on an airplane. I have a feeling she was treated a lot better by customs officials than the guy they caught with an expired passport.  (Miami herald)

BEST GOSSIP ITEM: Laura Flynn Boyle has vehemently denied rumors that she has arthritis. I'm still not convinced.  (imdb)

• Denise Richards accuses Charlie Sheen of threatening her and putting their kids at risk with his porn and prostitution fetish. So she's just going to give up on what they have?
• Tom uses a decoy to smuggle Katie and baby Suri out of the hospital. Then uses it to take over the world.
• Lenny Kravitz is being sued over an overflowing toilet. It's full of sh*t.
• Page Six fires gossip scribes. But when you have a really practical skill, you can always find more work.
• Matthew McConaughey saved a kitten. That's the best his pr people could come up with after details of those false rape allegations?
• Tara Reid's nipple is back and it's badder than ever. Seriously, it's bad.

If you haven't seen Lucky Number Slevin, the new "stylish" thriller starring Josh Hartnett and Bruce Willis, you're probably in the majority. That's why the Weinstien Brothers are luring an audience by giving away the first 8 minutes of the movie for free on You Tube. Now all you have to do is sneak into the theater for the last 102 minutes and you'll save the $10.75 for RV.

  That's right, you're looking at Patrick "McDreamy" Dempsey's first wife, Rocky Parker. The Grey's Anatomy stud married her when he was 21 and she was 48, 27 years his senior. Parker was the mom of Dempsey's best friend Corey Parker, and apparently a MILF MHLF. The couple divorced in 1994 after 7 years of marriage. While I don't totally understand how this bizarro love-match could have happened, I guess she just ordered the pizza with extra anchovies.

(celebrity sailing via ONTD)

• MI3's J.J. Abrams is set to produce and direct the next Star Trek movie. Something about working with Tom Cruise got him in the mood for more aliens.
• Pete Doherty has been released on bail following yesterday's arrest for possession of Class-A drugs. Just to save time, let me be the first one to report this: Pete Doherty has been arrested again for possession of Class-A drugs.
• Nick Lachey re-enacts his split with Jessica in his new music video. But not for publicity, it's totally just a way to work things out in his head. Definitely not for publicity. Definitely not for publicity.
• Robin Williams is not gay. In fact, he tells GQ magazine that he's "a big fan of the puss. Always addicted to puss." Suddenly Mrs. Doubtfire just got a whole lot creepier.
• Pink says she's so in love her with her husband that he could pee in his hand and give it to her and she'd still think it was a masterpiece. It'd have to be if he was able to hand it to her, don't you think?
• 73% of people would not let their children play with Britney & Kevin's baby. The other 27%? Celebrities.