Celebrity Bathwater

For decades, I’ve been searching for the perfect early morning pick-me-up rap song to cause me to feel like a champion til well after the sun sets. Drinking Chivas Regal at 7 am just doesn’t have the same bling to it (kill me) when it’s set to “Jagged Little Pill.”

So thank you, Superbowl XLIV, for giving us the following mash-up, which will serve as a nice replacement to our former Prince-Akeemesque live chamber orchestra alarm clock. It’s Jay-Z & Rihanna meets the CBS NFL theme song (performed by the delicious sounding Posthumus Zone.) It makes me want to make a floor-length fur out of the Puppy Bowlers (separate show, about puppies bowling), and march up and down these city streets for hours on end.

This is how I will begin every morning. For your own sanity, I suggest you do the same.

Super Bowl XLIV was last night, and I could really give two shits that the Saints won, so here are some pics of Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively in a bikini with her main gay Chace Crawford instead. And speaking of Chace Crawford, enjoy the above video of someone who could totally beat Chace’s ass with one wrinkled hand tied behind her back: the illustrious Betty White in the above Snickers Super Bowl commercial. Hell, I’d put my money on the rapping grandma from “The Wedding Singer” before I’d bet on Chace Crawford hitting anything other than a man’s ass with the backside of his balls.

A few more commercials after the jump.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

You know, for a Wild West whore, Megan Fox sure is wearing a lot of clothes. But you have to remember that back in olden times, showing a bit o’ ankle and an uncovered neck was enough to be considered sexy. Just one more reason to be glad you don’t live in the olden times. Well, that, and typhoid and amoebic dysentery. If it’s largely eradicated communicable diseases you want, just try visiting India. The CDC says they got a lot of that over there.

With Josh Brolin:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Jennifer Aniston jetted off to Los Cabos, Mexico to celebrate her 41st birthday with her standard crew of dried-up old birds this past weekend, but there was something different this time… something with a penis. Gasp! People Magazine says

She had a surprise birthday guest: Gerard Butler, her costar in the upcoming comedy, The Bounty Hunter.

Aniston flew a large group of pals including Butler, Courtney Cox and Sheryl Crow to the One & Only Palmilla resort Thursday evening where the group is staying in a beautiful waterfront villa.

There’s a name for the fine line between “perinnial bachelorette looking for a fling” and “hiring a male prostitute because you’re a lonely divorcée who divides her time between mahjong and canasta with the girls and drawing mustaches and horns on pictures of your ex-husband’s new wife,” and that name is Gerard Butler. Frankly, it’s all downhill from there.

Lots more pics after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

There’s no denying that a sex tape starring presidential hopeful John Edwards and former campaign worker Rielle Hunter exists — Big Brother has gotten its hands on it. The NY Post says

The tape shows Edwards in a sexual encounter with a pregnant woman believed to be Hunter.

According to an affidavit filed by [Edwards' longtime aide Andrew Young] last night, the original sex tape is in an Atlanta safety-deposit box. Another copy has been turned over to the FBI.

And right there, boys and girls, are your tax dollars hard at work. Operative word being “hard.” Bow-chicka-wow-wow!